theaardvark semi-professional wastrel

paul@theaardvark.co.uk


2015, Apr-

In which Cadbury takes a leaf from the Coke Dealer's notebook

Scene: Kraft / Cadbury Board Meeting a few years ago

Kraft CEO Scrooge McFuck: Gentlemen! We have a problem.

Audible groans are heard from around the extremely large boardroom table along with a slightly too loud whisper of "fuck, not this shit again."

SMcF: We are not making enough money on our chocolate! We need to make this crap for less and sell it for more! And if we don't do it by the end of this week you lot are all being reassigned to the Dairy Lee Dunkers assembly like. Got it?

Cadbury's new 22 year old MD Tarquin McFuck1: I have an idea!

SMcF: For the last time, we are not putting smack into our chocolate to make it "a little more more-ish". Focus group tests showed that customers who became hooked on smack stopped buying chocolate so it's not a long term bet.

TMcF: No, no. I have a different idea. We can do what my coke dealer does.

SMcF: What, offer free product in return for sexual favours?

TMcF: No! And that's not true! He really loved me. He just had too much love to restrict it to just the one person..... Anyway, no. All we have to do is to cut out chocolate with something else that's cheaper to buy.

Cadbury R&D Boss Josephine Mangler: We've already tried that. The British public are whiney bastards. Any hint of a drop in quality of their dear-beloved Cadbury Dairy Milk crap and they're all over Twitter like mustard gas on a poppy field.

TMcF: Aha! What you have to do is convince them that it's a good thing. When I was over in Hollywood laying low whilst daddy was buying off the girl in that sexual assault thingy, all the kids of rich, out-of-work actors were all buying Strawberry Coke by the half-ounce. They loved it. It was coke that smelt and tasted like strawberries. But only cos the dealers were cutting their regular coke with Strawberry Nesquick.

SMcF: Holy shit kid, maybe your mum's sub-par IQ genes haven't totally messed any chance of you achieving something! That could actually work. Josephine, my sweet chocolate bitch, what do we produce that's cheaper than chocolate but which those walking piles of tooth decay and type-2 diabetes lap up with equal vigour?

JM: Only fucking everything. Sweets, candies, jellies, honeycomb and, for some fucked up reason, Turkish Delight! Oh, and they're really into that old shit from the 80s that we're scraping off the floor of the derelict warehouse at the moment.

SMcF: Superb. Take a load of that, stir it into as little chocolate as you can get away with and start shipping it immediately. Oh, and get those soulless copyright-ignoring bastards in marketing to give a name and packaging that makes it sound marvellous!

And that, ladies and blokes, is how we ended up here:

Cadbury's Marvelous Creation



  1. Tarquin McFuck is the youngest ever MD at Cadbury having achieved this position immediately after getting a 2/2 in his Harry Potter Studies degree at Durham University. He earned this position totally on merit and the similarity in surname to Kraft's Scrooge McFuck is entirely coincidental, caused as it is my Scrooge being his father. 


2/4

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