theaardvark semi-professional wastrel

paul@theaardvark.co.uk


2015, Apr-

The Collected Laws of Murphy and Others

MURPHY’S LAW
AND
OTHERS
The origin of Murphy’s Laws, which are very often misquoted and interchanged, are reputed to date back to the end of the Second World War, when industrial safety was becoming important in the USA. Legislation was being enacted and prosecutions were following. One large employer needed a way to allow his employees to remember the law and to appreciate the consequences of ill-considered or daft actions. He found a recently demobbed cartoonist who he employed to draw pictures of these actions and to apply a moral. The cartoonist's name was Lieutenant Murphy.
SHORT COMPILATION OF THE VARIOUS LAWS AFFECTING HUMAN LIFE
SODD’S LAW
1. Inanimate objects act in a manner which is inversely proportional to the desirability of that action except when the law is subject to proof.
OR
2. If anything can go wrong, It will.
Corollaries:
3. Where there is a possibility of more than one component going wrong, the one to go wrong will be the one which causes the greatest damage or disruption.
4. Where there a 'n' ways for disruption to occur and these have been circumvented, an n+1 way will promptly occur.
5. Every solution breeds new problems
6. Where any project requires 'n' components, there will always be 'n- 1' in stock.
7. Any material cut exactly to size will prove to be too short.
8. Identical units tested under identical conditions and giving identical results will not be identical in the field.
9. A device selected at random from a group known to have 99% reliability will be a member of the 1% group.
THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY
10. Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
O'Toole's Commentary:
11. Murphy was an optimist
THE HARVARD LAW
12. Under rigorously controlled conditions the device under test will do as it damn well pleases.
MURPHY’S 1st LAW
13. Where an item can be incorrectly assembled, sooner or later it will be.
GUMPERSON’S LAW
14. Events occur in the inverse ratio of their desirability.
JENKINSON’S LAW
15. It'll never work.
Corollary
16. It'll never fly
NEWTON’S SEVENTH LAW OF GRAVITATION
17. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Stapp's ironical paradox
18. The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle
SELECTIVE LAW OF GRAVITATION.
19. A dropped object will land where it will do most damage.
CRAPPER’S LAW OF REVERSE GRAVITATION
20. Water will splash to a height in excess of the drop height of the object causing the splash.
CRAPPER’S OBSERVATION
21. Leakproof seals will.
HORNER’S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
22. Experience gained varies directly with the amount of equipment lost or ruined.
CAHN'S AXIOM
23. When all else fails - read the instructions.
CHISOLM’S LAY OF INTERACTION
24. When things seem to be going better, you have forgotten something.
FINANGLE’S CONSTANT
25. That number which when added to, subtracted from, multiplied by or divided into the answer obtained gives the answer which should have been obtained.
CRUMBLE’S POSTULATE
26. The more innocuous a design change, the further will its influence extend.
Corollaries:
27. The necessity for design changes increases proportionately with the approach of completion.
28. The probability of a dimension having been missed from a plan or drawing is directly proportionate to its importance.
29. The quality of a delivery date is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
FINANGLE'S FOURTH LAW
30. Once a project is fouled up, any action taken to improve the situation will only make thing worse.
PRINCIPLE OF ORDERING
31. Items necessary for today's work must be ordered no later than tomorrow.
LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSE
32. The one item not included in the shipment is the item supporting 90% of the work to be undertaken.
SIMON’S LAW
33. Sooner or later, every assembled object will fall apart.
MURPHY’S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
34. Things get worse under pressure.
35. A can of worms, once opened, may only be re-confined by using a larger can.
36. An Easter egg, once unwrapped, may never be re-wrapped by the same wrapper, no matter how much has been eaten.
NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
37. Negative Expectations yield negative results.
38. Positive expectations yield negative results.
PUDDER'S LAW
39. That which begins well, ends badly:
40. That which begins badly, ends badly.
HELLER’S LAW
41. The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson’s Corollary
42. Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere in the organisation.
THE PETER PRINCIPLE
43. In any hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.
Extensions:
44. In time, every post will be occupied by an employee, who is not competent to carry out his duties.
45. Work is only accomplished by these who have not achieved their level of incompetence.
45. "The Dilbert Principle". Promote people to where they can no longer do any harm.
46. A successful business only promotes the second best candidate.
PUTT'S LAW
47. Technology is dominated by two types of people:-
48. Those who manage that which they do not understand.
49. Those who do not manage that which they understand.
H.L.MENKEN’S LAW
50. Those who can, do - those who cannot, teach.
Martin’s Extension.
51. Those who cannot teach, administrate.
BARTH'S DISTINCTION
52. There are two types of people: those who divide into two types and those who don't.
SMITH’S LAW
53. The man who smiles when all around him is converted to chaos has just thought of someone on whom to lay the blame.
SATTINGER’S LAW
54. It works better if you plug it in.
TRUMAN’S POSTULATE
55. Where it is not possible to convince the opposition, confuse them.
THE MILITARY AXIOM.
56. Any order which could be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Hyde's Extension.
57. The order which cannot be misunderstood has not yet been given.
WEILER'S LAW
58. Nothing is impossible to the person who doesn’t have to do it.
MILLER’S LAW
59. It is impossible to determine the depth of a puddle until you have stepped into it.
MALEK’S LAW
60. The simplest of ideas will be worded in the most complicated of ways.
COOPERS METALAW
61. The proliferation of new laws merely creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
JONES POSTULATE
62. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
McGlaughry’s Codicil
63. To make an enemy, do someone a favour.
THE PENNY POSTULATE
64. You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but only a idiot will try to fool the wife.
THE FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS
65. Celibacy is not hereditary.
THE BIEFIELS PRINCIPLE
66. The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is in the company of:-
- a date,
- his wife,
- a better looking and richer male colleague.
PARKINSON’S SECOND LAW
70. Expenditure always rises to meet income.
JOHN’S COLLATERAL THEORY
71. In Order to obtain a financial loan, it is first necessary to prove that you do not need it.
HARTLEY'S OBSERVATION
72. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you have got something.
CLARK’S LAW
73. Every revolutionary idea in the field of human activity evokes four stages of reaction, which may be summed up as:-
- Impossible - don’t waste my time.'
- Yes, possible, but not worth the effort.
- 'A good idea, that.'
- 'A good idea of mine, that.'
ETTORE’S OBSERVATION
78. The other queue always moves faster.
LEWIS'S LAW
79. No matter how much research is put into the purchase of an item, it will always be available at a lower price subsequent to the purchase.
LEWIS’S SECOND LAW
80. An item subject to delayed purchase will no longer be available.
BOOB’S POSTULATE
80. A lost item is always found in the last place searched.
LAW OF TRANSPORTATION
81. The probability of transport being late corresponds with the probability of the connection being on time or early.
YTTLEEV'S CONSIDERATION
82. To err is human, to really foul things tip needs a computer.
THE BOG ROLL THEORY OF STRUCTURES FAILURE
83. A material will tear at any point other than where it is so designed to tear.
Borat Accounts Law of tax returns #1
79. If is think client is disappear, client is always come back begging on 30 Jan
MISCELLANEOUS
84. Never eat prunes when famished,
85. Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
86. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
87. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
88. The little you do, you do do well.
89. Nobody's life, liberty or possessions are safe when the legislature is sitting.
90. If you play around with anything for long enough, it is inevitable that you will screw it up.
91. A dropped tool will always roll to a point beyond reach.
92. If it won't move, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
93. If it didn't move, the hammer wasn't big enough.
94. Towers which withstand the gales are radically over engineered.
95. 'Sealed for life' is just that.
96. A level crossing never is.
97. Interchangeable won't.
98. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
99. There is always one more bug.
100. All warranties expire on payment of invoice.
101. Anything being repaired will always take longer than thought.
102. The repairer will never have seen a model like yours.
103. A broken appliance will always function perfectly when demonstrated for the repairer.
104. The transistor will protect the fuse by blowing first.
105. If you are not part of the solution, you must be part of the problem.
106. Create a system which a fool can use and only a fool will use it.
107. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
108. I'm working under this slight handicap, being human.
109. When in doubt, mumble - when in trouble, delegate.
110. It would be easier to play one's part in life if there was a script.
111. No good deed goes unpunished.
112. Cheer up, things may get worse at a slower rate.
113. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
114. All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
115. I'm not being paid much for staying alive, but it's good experience.
116. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that is the way to bet.
117. I know you are stronger than me .......... but it’s your turn to surrender.
118. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an on-coming train.
119. I know you're stronger than me but it’s your turn to surrender.
120. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. Freud.
121. All I want is more energy ........... or less ambition.
122. I only want the power ............... none of the responsibility.
123. I think I'll just sit here till life gets a little easier.
124. I hope I get what I want before I stop wanting it.
125. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
126. If more than one person is responsible for a cock-up, no one is at fault.
127. If things don't improve soon, I'll have to ask you to stop helping.
128. You've reached me just in time - I was beginning to feel confident again.
129. Please don't tell me to relax, it's only the tension that's holding me together.
130. Sometimes I understand everything perfectly, then some clown wakes me up.
131. Do let me know what is going on, I would hate to miss the monotony.
132. Good leaders are scarce, go follow yourself.
133. Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
134. Never argue with a fool, people might not discern the difference.
135. Rubbish in, rubbish out. Sense in, still rubbish out.
Definitions
Accident: Ignorance, idiocy or inattention, an event that is neither predictable nor preventable by normal caution.
Cynicism is nothing more than a useful tool.


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