theaardvark.co.uk 2026-04-14T12:09:55+01:00 theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk The Frankie Powers of Love - #OneSongOnePlaylist theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-frankie-powers-of-love-onesongoneplaylist.html 2026-04-12T13:20:45+01:00 Here’s another entry in the sporadic, slightly unhinged #OneSongOnePlaylist series. This time, I’ve… ]]> A distressed 12-inch vinyl single sleeve for Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "The Power of Love" leans against a stack of records on a wooden surface. The cream sleeve features mixed-size typographic lyrics — "The power(s) of love / A force from above / cleaning my SOUL / Flame on, BURN desire / LOVE with tongues of fire / Purge theSOUL / MAKE LOVE YOUR GOAL" — alongside the band's logo, a small band photograph, and ZTT Records branding.

Here’s another entry in the sporadic, slightly unhinged #OneSongOnePlaylist series.

This time, I’ve rounded up as many versions of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s The Power of Love as I could find.

Yes, before you start, I mean the Frankie one; the 1984 single by Holly Johnson, Peter Gill, Mark O’Toole and Brian Nash, from off of Welcome to the Pleasuredome - quite a formative album for my music tastes; I was 12 when it came out and just beginning to form my own opinions.

This one’s personal; MrsVark and I had it as a slow song at our wedding. So, unlike some of the other playlists, this wasn’t just me amusing myself by stacking up a ridiculous pile of near-identical tracks and listening to them all. This one actually mattered.

That said, putting it together was a PITA.

Usually, these playlists just mean searching for a song title and sifting through the results. This time, searching for "The Power of Love" was a pointed lesson: there is no world body that coordinates song titles like what equity does with actors’ names, or that weird thing about clown faces. There is a metric shit-ton of songs called the Power of Love, and two are not just well-known but cultural juggernauts, each with its own ecosystem of covers and remixes. So it was more work than usual.

The rules: no Huey Lewis and the News (that’s maybe another #OneSongOnePlaylist), and absolutely no Jennifer Rush.

FGTH’s song is a cultural touchstone for many. It sits in a cultural spot. It came out in November 1984, became their third UK number 1, and yet somehow ended up in the Christmas song pile for a lot of people—even though the lyrics never mention Christmas. That’s mostly thanks to the Nativity themed video, shot outside Jerusalem, and all the Christian imagery on the cover. A bit like an early East 17 "Stay Another Day".

Which is fair. If you put out a big emotional song right before Christmas, dress it in religious imagery, and give it a Nativity video, you can’t be surprised when it gets dragged out with the tinsel and Quality Street.

But what makes the song work is that it isn’t actually about Christmas. Holly Johnson later called it something much bigger and more spiritual, saying there was a biblical side to its passion and that “love is the only thing that matters in the end”. That probably explains why so many artists from wildly different genres have had a go at it. It can be grand, tender, over the top, stripped back, devout, secular, or just gloriously fucking melodramatic, depending on who’s singing.

And plenty of people have had a go.

Naturally, the playlist has multiple FGTH versions, because once you start counting alternate mixes, extended cuts, later reworks, and oddities like Strings Only, the band basically become their own sub-genre. Beyond that, there are versions by Gabrielle Aplin, Dalton Harris, Oomph!, Nouvelle Vague, Il Divo (singing in chuffing Latin as is their schtick), Ulver, Anneke van Giersbergen, and a bunch of others who seem to have wandered in from pop, rock, trance, Christmas music, ambient, and whatever else Qobuz had on hand. There are even two reggae/dub versions, which are significantly better than I expected.

Aplin’s version is probably the best-known cover in recent years, helped along by the 2012 John Lewis Christmas advert, becoming a UK number 1 in its own right. Which rather proves the point: this song has enough emotional weight and enough room in it to survive radically different arrangements and still land.

That’s why this playlist is one of the better #OneSongOnePlaylist experiments. Some songs fall apart if you repeat them too much. Some just prove that most people should have left them alone. But The Power of Love holds up. Even the weaker versions are at least interesting. And when they work, they do it for different reasons—some go for bombast, some strip it back, some go full Christmas, some sound like they’ve wandered in by mistake and decided to stay.

So yes, this was harder to put together than most. Much harder. It meant more filtering, more checking, and a lot more muttering “no, not that bloody one” at the search results than I’d like from what is already a pretty niche, self-inflicted hobby. But it was worth it.

Partly because it’s a genuinely fascinating song with a weird afterlife. Partly because there are enough different takes to make the experiment worthwhile. And partly because, for me, it’s tied to one of the happiest days of my life.

If you feel like subjecting yourself to a surprisingly moving, sometimes odd, and very Frankie-specific journey through The Power of Love, the playlist is below.

Just remember: no Huey Lewis, and absolutely no Jennifer Rush.

Qobuz playlist: https://open.qobuz.com/playlist/62195364

Spotify playlist, if you insist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qW9BHXHDAydXCmeTEEY7Z?si=46THHdjdROOVwtm-zkWtnw

]]> Frank-En-Furter - My Vocal Stims/Tics - The Soundtrack of My Life theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/frank-en-furter-my-vocal-stimstics-the-soundtrack-of-my-life.html 2026-04-05T00:37:22+01:00 For a short while now, I've found myself saying "Frank-En-Furter" out loud. ]]> Three-panel comic strip using the "want [x], no judgement, only [x]" meme format. A simply-drawn cartoon dog with a collar. Panel 1: the dog looks eager, captioned "want chk, chka chkaaaa!" Panel 2: the dog glances sideways, captioned "no judgement!" Panel 3: the dog looks satisfied, captioned "only chk, chka chkaaaa!" The text references the vocal stim/tic sound, echoing the rhythm of Yello's "The Race".

For a short while now, I've found myself saying "Frank-En-Furter" out loud. Overly expressively. All the syllables given far more dramatic emphasis than they warrant.

Before that, there have been others. And before those, others still.

What I’m less sure about these days is what exactly they are.

Since my diagnosis of AuDHD, I've thought of them as autistic vocal stims; repeated sounds or phrases that help with emotional self-regulation. But the more I look into it, the less certain I am. Some of them feel stim-like. Having learned more about Tourette's and similar conditions, some feel more like vocal tics — sudden, compulsive vocalisations with an urge attached. Most sit in an awkward middle ground where the best clinical answer seems to be: this is inconveniently complicated.

That's not just me being unclear. After posting about it on Mastodon, I fell down a research rabbit hole and found that the distinction between autistic vocal stims and Tourette-style vocal tics is genuinely blurry. Clinicians and researchers acknowledge overlap, co-occurrence, and the real possibility of misclassification — especially in autistic people.

So I'm in good company, at least.

They’ve become more obvious. That doesn’t necessarily mean “worse”

Over the last few years, these vocalisations have become more prominent. MrsVark was the first to really point it out. But in a very MrsVark way, she also pointed something else out: they haven't suddenly appeared. They've always been there.

Just perhaps in more disguised, masked or suppressed forms.

That fits with what I've read. Repetitive vocal behaviour can become more visible when someone is more comfortable, less ashamed, or simply spending less energy suppressing it. In other words, what looks like "more symptoms" may actually be less masking.

That feels about right to me.

What’s changed may not be the behaviour, but my relationship to it; less suppression can look like more symptoms. And that applies to all of my ADHD and autistic traits since my diagnosis.

There's another layer to this, too. MrsVark says she finds a lot of them comforting. To her, they're often a sign that I'm relaxed, safe, and comfortable being myself. That's not a bad thing to have reflected back at you. It's considerably better than the old feeling — the one that said anything odd, repetitive or noticeable needed hiding before anyone noticed and commented. Or, for much-younger me, took the piss.

Are they involuntary? Sort of. Not exactly. Annoyingly.

This is the bit I find hardest to explain cleanly.

They’ve never felt completely involuntary in the way people often imagine tics to be. But nor do they feel like something I consciously choose to do in the way I might choose to whistle a tune or bitch about someone’s political stupidity.

The closest analogy I have is something like nail-biting. You can stop, if you try. But the urge keeps coming back, and it doesn't feel optional in any deep sense. There's a definite feeling that the thing wants doing.

Reading about this was oddly reassuring. It turns out "voluntary versus involuntary" is too simple a frame for both stims and tics. Both can involve mixed experiences of automaticity, suppressibility, effort, urge, and relief.

So if your internal experience is, “I can stop this briefly, but not indefinitely, and it doesn’t feel fully chosen anyway”, that does not make you a fraud. It just means your nervous system has declined to present itself in a nice, binary format.

There's a whole philosophical tangent here about whether anything we do is truly voluntary, or whether the brain layers on rationalisation after the fact. But it's late on a Saturday night and I've had too many ciders to go there in depth.

The line between vocal stim and vocal tic is unclear.

The usual broad distinction is this:

  • Vocal stims are repetitive sounds, words, or phrases that help with regulation, comfort, focus, excitement, or expression.
  • Vocal tics are sudden, recurrent vocalisations — often with a premonitory urge beforehand and a sense of relief once done.

That sounds wonderfully tidy.

In practice, the inside feel seems to matter more than the outward behaviour. The exact same repeated phrase might be classified differently depending on whether it feels soothing, satisfying, urgent, intrusive, or just... inevitable. And even then, there may be no clean answer.

What I read seemed to confirm my own feelings on my personal situation: the distinction might be “clinically interesting”, but in day-to-day life, the more useful questions are:

  • what does it feel like?
  • what triggers it?
  • what happens if I suppress it?
  • does it regulate something, relieve something, or both?

That strikes me as much more useful than arguing with myself about whether a strange little burst of speech belongs in the stim drawer or the tic drawer.

My own vocal stims/tics.

A few of these have stuck in the memory well enough to list.

  • Wing Wah Chinese Supermarket
  • Hands of Power!
  • Cha ching ping pong
  • Schhhhwibble
  • Chick. Chika chikaaaa!

There have been others that came and went without being notable enough for me to record for future historians.

Wing Wah Chinese Supermarket

There is (are?) a Wing Wah Chinese Restaurant. It’s in Coventry, I think. There’s also a Chinese supermarket that I used to see regularly on the outskirts of Birmingham. Neither had the right feel to become a vocal stim until I accidentally combined them. The words have a certain pleasing shape and bounce to them. Sometimes that seems to be enough. The brain likes what it likes.

Hands of Power!

This one comes out in periods of extreme excitement or stimulation, accompanied by a hand gesture, like a power-crazed sorcerer with lightning erupting from their fingertips. The rather extreme and clearly noticeable nature of this one prompted a humorous follow-up of “fingers of disappointment” with the hands turned over to point downwards.

Cha ching ping pong!

This one is tied, at least in my head, to the frequent, money-saving, back-and-forth of tiny microloans between a friend and me to keep direct debits and other bank payments from bouncing. Think Wonga, but without the rip-off interest rates. A phrase born, as so many great human utterances are, from low-level admin.

Schhhhwibble!

No useful explanation for this one. Just Schhhhwibble! I think it’s a Black Adder or Monty Python thing.

Neurology is not always kind enough to provide footnotes.

Chk. Chka chkaaaa!

This is one of the earliest and longest-lasting ones that I can remember. This pre-dates my diagnosis by many, many years, and still reoccurs if prompted/reminded of it. Having recalled it tonight, I’ve been doing it repeatedly whilst writing this post.

It’s from Yello - The Race. Popularised by the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (Looking for a reference for this set off a whole rabbit hole exploration of its own this evening. This little background video was my favourite moment of that.)

What the research doesn't capture

The shit I read seemed good on definitions, overlap, suppressibility, masking and uncertainty. What it didn’t do is capture the “lived experience” of these things.

It can tell you that tics may involve urge and relief, that stims may involve regulation and familiarity, and that both are affected by stress, fatigue, excitement and context.

What it doesn’t tell you is what it feels like to realise, halfway through middle age, that some odd little things you thought were random quirks may actually have been part of a defined neurology all along.

Or what it’s like to find that the person you love doesn’t merely tolerate them, but finds them reassuring.

Or what it’s like to say one of these phrases out loud and simultaneously think:

  1. that was weird, and
  2. that was oddly satisfying.

It also can’t fully capture the relief of having places and people where you can mention this sort of thing, and nobody acts like you’ve lost your fucking mind.

That matters. And it’s a large part of why I’ve come to be comfortable with who and what I am.

What I know, what I don’t, and what seems most honest

What I know

  • I have repeated vocalisations that have recurred over time.
  • They seem to have become more visible over the last few years.
  • They have not appeared from nowhere, but have become less masked or suppressed.
  • Some of them feel linked to excitement, comfort, familiarity or internal pressure.
  • Suppressing them is possible, but not always natural or cost-free.

What I don’t know

  • Whether each one is best understood as a vocal stim, a vocal tic, or a mixture.
  • Whether there is any great practical benefit in forcing every example into a clean box.
  • Whether Schhhhwibble! represents a profound neurological or philosophical truth or simply the sound my brain makes when left unsupervised.

What seems most honest

The most honest answer is probably that the distinction is real, clinically meaningful in some contexts, but also often less important than “normies” might assume.

That feels like a more useful conclusion than pretending an understanding that I don’t have.

TL;DR. Or, as I was taught to write in my professional letters, “In summary”

If you repeat odd sounds, words or phrases, it does not automatically mean one single thing.

Sometimes that behaviour may be better understood as stimming. Sometimes as tic-like. Sometimes the difference is unclear. The visible behaviour alone may not tell you much; the internal experience, context, suppressibility and function matter too.

And if it’s become more obvious recently, that may not mean you’re getting worse. It may just mean you’re safer, less masked, or more at ease being yourself.

Which, all things considered, seems a better problem to have.

A few joke angles, because I am still me

I tried to write some humorous thoughts to pepper through this overly long diatribe that was originally just a Mastodon post. But none of them seemed to fit. So, rather than throw them away....

  • My brain has selected this week’s loading-screen tone.
  • I do not control the text; I merely host it.
  • Unknown whether symptom, stim, tic, or performance art.
  • Less masking, more accidental spoken-word performance.
  • The phrase has chosen me. I am simply its ambassador.

]]> I have a new radio show on Lichfield Radio theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/i-have-a-new-radio-show-on-lichfield-radio.html 2026-04-04T17:09:20+01:00 This coming Tuesday I start a new, weekly, hour-long music show on… ]]> Lichfield Radio logo. A circular design split into two halves. The upper half has a light grey background featuring Spike, the station mascot — a cheerful cartoon character with three spiky points of hair representing the three spires of Lichfield Cathedral, holding a small "+" symbol. The lower half is a deep purple — aubergine, claret, or burgundy, depending on who you ask — bearing the text "LICHFIELD RADIO" in bold white capitals, with the tagline "Let's Accentuate the Positive" in white italic script beneath.

This coming Tuesday I start a new, weekly, hour-long music show on Lichfield Radio! *beams from ear to ear*

 
 
 
lichfield-radio://show-assets/theaardvark — loading_

404

SHOW GRAPHIC NOT FOUND

GET /assets/theaardvark/ident.png → 404 GET /assets/theaardvark/banner.jpg → 404 GET /assets/theaardvark/logo.svg → 404 STATUS design_team: busy // they're on it STATUS show: CONFIRMED // this part is real
ASSET_BUILD
 
94%
Cartoon aardvark wearing headphones and a cap, leaning over pink DJ decks

theaardvark's
radio show

TUESDAYS · 3–4PM
launching 7 APRIL 2026
lichfieldradio.org

SHOW STARTS IN

TUNE IN ›

proper show assets will follow · lichfield radio design team are working on it

SHOW CONFIRMED  ·  GRAPHIC PENDING  ·  DESIGN TEAM ON IT  ·  THEAARDVARK'S RADIO SHOW  ·  TUESDAYS 3–4PM  ·  FROM 7 APRIL 2026  ·  LICHFIELDRADIO.ORG  ·  PROPER ASSETS INCOMING  · 

]]> The Irregular — an occasional email thing theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-irregular-an-occasional-email-thing.html 2026-03-21T16:08:23+00:00 I've set up an email list. It's called The Irregular—which, frankly, is… ]]> A cartoon aardvark with a slightly unhinged grin stands to the right. To the left, in large serif type: "The Irregular" — described beneath as "an occasional email from theaardvark." The aardvark looks exactly as surprised as you should be that this newsletter exists.

I've set up an email list. It's called The Irregular—which, frankly, is a generous description of how often you'll hear from me. Regularity is for trains and people who eat a lot of bran, not for this newsletter.

It won't arrive every Tuesday at 9am. Frankly, I consider that sort of punctuality suspicious. Nor will it be packed with "content strategy" or "synergistic learnings". It'll turn up when I've something worth saying: perhaps a new post, or whatever I haven't forgotten to upload yet, or even a rare insight into what I'm tinkering with (assuming I can remember my own passwords that day).

No spam. No faff. The unsubscribe link will actually work, because even I wouldn't inflict this on anyone against their will. I'm not a monster.

If, for some unfathomable reason, that sounds appealing, you can sign up here: The Irregular. Honestly, I'm as surprised as you are.

]]> I Own My Stuff Now. Sort Of. (POSSE and theaardvark.co.uk) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/i-own-my-stuff-now-sort-of-posse-and-theaardvarkcouk.html 2026-03-20T15:39:02+00:00 This all started because I wanted to make a button. Not an… ]]> A two-tone badge in teal and amber. The left half says POSSE in large bold letters. The right half says 'publish own site' in case you were wondering.

This all started because I wanted to make a button.

Not an important button. Just an 88x31 pixel rectangle, the kind you used to see all over early personal sites. People used them to link to things they liked, show off their browser, or just say they existed online. I’d noticed some sites still have a row of these at the bottom. I wanted one too. More specifically, I wanted a POSSE button. I’d been thinking about adding POSSE here, and having a button to put at the bottom seemed like enough reason to finally do it.

This is, I am aware, a slightly backwards way to decide to implement a web standard. I stand by it.

I’ve been on the internet long enough to remember when owning your content was just called “having a website.” Then social media came along, and we all handed our stuff over to various corporations in exchange for the ability to argue with strangers. A fair trade, most people seemed to think. It wasn’t.

I’ve always kept a personal site. This one, in various forms, goes back further than I care to calculate. But for years, the actual writing was happening on platforms I don’t control, in formats I can’t export cleanly, owned by people whose priorities are demonstrably not mine. So I’ve been quietly fixing that.

What POSSE Actually Is

POSSE stands for Publish on your Own Site, Syndicate Elsewhere. It’s an IndieWeb principle, and it’s about as simple as it sounds: you write something here first, then you push copies out to wherever your audience actually is. The canonical version lives here. The syndicated copies point back.

If Mastodon disappears tomorrow, or Bluesky pivots to something awful, or LinkedIn finally becomes legally sentient and starts invoicing people, your content is still here. You still have it. The platforms were always just distribution, not storage.

This is not a new idea. It’s arguably just how the web was supposed to work. We collectively forgot for about fifteen years.

What I’ve Actually Done

theaardvark.co.uk now has a working IndieWeb stack:

microformats2: Posts here now have machine-readable class names like h-entry, e-content, dt-published and so on. These tell IndieWeb tools what’s what. The site is basically its own API now. I find this more satisfying than it probably deserves.

webmention.io: This handles incoming webmentions for me. A webmention is what you get when another IndieWeb site links to one of your posts and sends a notification. It’s like a pingback, except it actually works and doesn’t get hijacked by spammers right away. So I'm led to believe. I guess I'll find out.

Bridgy: This sits between my Mastodon account and the webmention endpoint. When I POSSE a post to Mastodon and someone likes, boosts, or replies, Bridgy picks that up and sends it back to me as a webmention. Social interactions on a platform I don’t own, coming back to a site I do. That’s the loop.

rel="me" links: Just a few links that create a closed verification loop between this site and my other profiles. Boring to set up, but it’s satisfying when indiewebify.me turns green.

Representative h-card: A hidden block of structured data on every page that says who owns the site. My name, handle, location, a photo, and a short bio. Hidden from readers but readable by internet services. It’s the IndieWeb version of a business card at the end of every post.

What’s Still to Come

Outbound webmentions aren’t automated. When I link to another IndieWeb site in a post, I should send them a webmention, a notification that I’ve mentioned them. Right now I have to do that manually with a tool called Telegraph. It’s not hard, just another manual step I’d rather not have to remember. Automating it needs a build pipeline, which is on the list for when this site moves to Hugo.

Displaying received webmentions on post pages is possible. There’s a JavaScript library that can query the webmention.io API and show them as comments. I haven’t set that up yet. I want to see if I actually get any before I bother building a place for them. (Who am I kidding.... I’ll build it whether I get any or not, and then it’ll sit there as empty as an abandoned American shopping mall.)

WriteFreely: For longer posts, I’d like a fediverse syndication service  where the full text goes out, not just a link and an excerpt. Write.as the hosted version of WriteFreely, is the plan. That’s also a job for after the Hugo migration.

Bluesky is connected, but Bridgy’s feed from there is a bit sketchy apparently. I’ll get to it.

Why Bother

Honestly? Because it’s interesting. The IndieWeb is a bunch of small, well-defined protocols that make the web work the way it was meant to. Sometimes it’s fiddly and reminds me of setting up my ZX Spectrum as a kid. I like both of those things.

The more serious answer is that I’ve been writing things online for a long time. I’d like to still have them in twenty years. Platforms don’t last that long. Personal sites do, if you’re stubborn enough.

I’m stubborn enough.

The Button

Anyway. The button. Here it is.

A two-tone badge in teal and amber. The left half says POSSE in large bold letters. The right half says 'publish own site' in case you were wondering.

Made using a website thingy. Teal and amber background in keeping with the current colour scheme of the site (so probably out of date in a few months). “POSSE” in white, “publish own site” in black. 88 pixels wide, 31 pixels tall. Links to the IndieWeb POSSE page. Exactly what it needs to be, nothing more.

You’ll find it at the bottom of the site, next to whatever other buttons end up there. Turns out this is a rabbit hole. There are a lot of 88x31 buttons out there. I may be some time.

]]> How I Accidentally Ended Up With My Own CSS Framework - aardCSS theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/how-i-accidentally-ended-up-with-my-own-css-framework-aardcss.html 2026-03-18T09:45:46+00:00 I want to be clear from the outset that this was not… ]]> Screenshot of the aardCSS project on GitLab, featuring a cartoon aardvark avatar with what appears to be a mohawk. 25 commits. Somehow this is a real thing that exists now.

I want to be clear from the outset that this was not the plan.

The plan was to build some websites. Simple, fast, reasonably handsome websites for small businesses and organisations that do not need a shopping basket, a member area, or an entire industrial estate of JavaScript tooling. I’d settled on Hugo as my static site generator of choice, and I wanted a sane way to make things look decent without hand-rolling all the CSS myself like it was 2004 and I had something to prove.

So I started looking at Hugo themes. This turned out to be a reliable way of finding things that were nearly right in exactly the wrong ways. A lot of the good-looking ones were built on Tailwind, which meant Node.js, npm, and the usual stack of dependencies I was specifically trying to avoid. No thanks. I want websites that work, not websites that need a supply chain.

After rejecting most of what looked promising, I started looking at lightweight CSS frameworks instead. My requirements were not especially exotic: no build step, no JavaScript dependency, sensible semantic HTML support, and preferably something small enough that I could actually understand what it was doing. I am in my fifties. I do not want to learn a framework the size of Belgium.

I looked at Pico CSS. Clean, classless, styles semantic HTML directly. Genuinely liked it. I looked at Pure.css. Fine. Functional. About as exciting as its name suggests. And then I found µCSS. µCSS ticked every box. No build step. Pure CSS. Built on Pico CSS v2, which I already liked. Modular component files. Twenty colour themes. Proper dark mode support. The kind of thing where you include one file and your HTML immediately looks like someone who knows what they're doing made it.

There was, however, a small issue. The project was nine days old.

Now, I want to be clear that a nine-day-old CSS framework is not, in itself, a problem. CSS doesn't rot. It doesn't phone home. It doesn't have a supply chain that gets compromised at three in the morning. Once you've downloaded the file, that file will continue to be a file for as long as files exist. I am not exaggerating when I say the maintenance concern for a static CSS file is roughly equivalent to the maintenance concern for a brick.

But. There was a nagging feeling. What if it disappeared? What if it never got updated and I found a bug I couldn't fix? What if, having built half a dozen client sites on someone else's framework, I wanted to customise something in a way the original author hadn't anticipated? The answer, obviously, was to fork it.

So I did. I cloned the repository, redirected the git remote to my own GitLab account, and then — and this is the bit where it stopped being sensible and started being fun — I renamed everything. All eighty-odd files. Every CSS variable. Every internal reference. --mu- became --aard-. mu.fuchsia.css became aard.fuchsia.css. The whole thing, top to bottom, now says Aardvark Web on it.

Is it meaningfully different from µCSS? No. The underlying code is Amaury Bouchard's work, built on Lucas Larroche's PicoCSS, and I've been careful to keep the MIT licence intact because I'm not an animal. But it lives on my GitLab. I control it. If µCSS disappears tomorrow, I have my copy. If I want to add a new component or a new colour theme for a client, I can do that without waiting for a pull request to be reviewed by a stranger on the internet.

And if I want to tell people I have my own CSS framework, which I absolutely do, I can do that too. aardCSS. It's a thing. I made it. Sort of.

]]> On AuDHD, Panic Attacks and Paradoxes theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/on-audhd-panic-attacks-and-paradoxes.html 2026-03-09T01:17:50+00:00 A few weeks ago, I stood up at a Lichfield District Council… ]]> Photo of a formal council chamber with dark wood panelling and ornate decor. Around 30 people are seated at a large curved table, most in suits, with laptops and papers in front of them. A bald man in a blue and white striped shirt stands with his back to the camera, addressing the room — standing out somewhat from the sea of formal attire. At the far end, several officials are seated at a raised platform. Everyone appears to be paying attention, which makes a nice change.

A few weeks ago, I stood up at a Lichfield District Council meeting and told everyone I was in the middle of a panic attack.

It wasn't how I'd planned to open my speech. I was about to propose a £210,000 budget amendment. It was a significant proposal, one I cared about deeply, aiming to fund youth services, tenancy support, and community transport. The chamber was full, the debate was important to me, and the stakes felt high.

This was when my body and brain decided this was the perfect moment to go haywire.

It’s usual to feel nervous about such moments. That’s part of what makes my brain fire up and work at its best. But this had spiralled. My heart was hammering, my breathing was shallow, and that cold, sweaty dread was setting in. It was made worse by the fact that I was on an increased dose of my ADHD medication. They're dexamphetamine - basically government-issued speed, and while they help with focus, they also flood my system with nervous energy. On a night like this, that energy had nowhere to go but into fuelling the anxiety.

This is one of the strange paradoxes of being AuDHD (having both Autism and ADHD). The two contradictory conditions can cancel each other out. ADHD can make me more outgoing and less socially rigid than some autistic people might be. But when you treat the ADHD with stimulants, it’s like you're peeling back a layer to the autistic core. The world feels louder, the social rules more confusing, and the internal system gets overloaded more easily. That was me. Sitting, waiting for my turn to speak.

I couldn't back out. I didn't want to back out. The amendment was too important to me.

I've been in a similar situation before, recently, since I started taking ADHD meds, in a work meeting. A panic attack hit out of nowhere. On that occasion, I tried to fight it and to pretend it wasn't happening. It was exhausting, and it only made it worse. Thankfully, I knew I was talking to supportive colleagues, and eventually I just had to admit to them what was going on. The moment I did, the fear let go. They were understanding, the world didn't end, and the simple act of naming the beast seemed to rob it of its power.

So, as I stood to make the amendment proposal, I remembered that lesson. I stood up, took a deep breath, and said something to the effect of, "Sorry. I'm in the middle of a panic attack. So if I struggle at all, I'd appreciate your understanding."

And just like before, the simple admission took away most of its power over me. The panic didn't vanish, but it receded enough to become manageable. I was able to deliver the speech I'd planned, arguing for the investment in our communities. I even managed to throw in a bit of humour.

It's a strange thing to find strength in admitting a vulnerability. But sometimes, the most effective way to deal with a monster in the room is to simply turn on the light and call it by its name. Since then, I’ve watched the recording back. In my head, it felt like an enormous public unravelling; on video, it looks spectacularly anticlimactic. Which is probably reassuring, really. From the outside, it’s just a man taking a breath, explaining himself, and then getting on with the job. If you're curious, the council meeting recording is here:

 https://www.youtube.com/live/G__kzqlg_D0?si=YrKahI1gxIPJ5067&t=7169

I note the the transcript of my opening remarks is actually fairly close to “Okay. Sorry. Thank you, Chair. Sorry if I can give an explanation. I’ve recently increased my ADHD medication and it has, like, triggered a bit of a panic attack that I’ve been fighting off all evening. So please, if I’m not my usual self, please forgive me.”

And, while this post is about one very public moment, I’ve also found that one of the more useful ways to steady myself during stressful periods — when I’m not in meetings and just need my brain to stop charging about like a startled ferret — is with my AarDHD music. If that sounds useful to you too, there’s more about it here: AarDHD on my website, and the music itself is on YouTube here: AarDHD YouTube channel.

]]> I Built a Website for My Wife's Spoonie Community. Here's How That Went. theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/i-built-a-website-for-my-wifes-spoonie-community-heres-how-that-went.html 2026-03-07T22:16:44+00:00 Sha needed a website. Not because Facebook wasn't working — the two… ]]> Screenshot of the burntwoodspoonies.uk homepage, showing the hero section. Large white text reads "You're not alone," with "bab." below it in cyan and pink. A dark navy background with a faint jellyfish image behind bold watermark text. Subheading reads "Powered by Tea, Sarcasm & Naps." Three call-to-action buttons: Find Your Tribe, Learn More, and Healthcare Professional? The day-aware greeting reads "Saturday, bab. No obligations here. Have a look around, see if this feels like your kind of place."

Sha needed a website.

Not because Facebook wasn't working — the two private groups she set up for Burntwood Spoonie Connect went from zero to 184 members in under a month, which tells you everything about how badly local people needed this kind of space. But Facebook isn't a front door. You can't hand a GP a URL and say, "Pass this on to patients who might benefit." You can't reach people who've quietly given up on social media. And you can't build a service directory on it without it becoming a mess.

So: website. And because I'm the one in this household who does websites, that became my job. Well, more of a week-long hyperfocus, tbh.

I'm not a professional web developer. I've been messing about with the web for years, long enough to care about keeping things simple, and fun. The brief: build a community hub, make it accessible, point clearly to the Facebook groups, and leave space for a service directory later.

Here's roughly how it went.

The stack (as I believe proper web techies call it)

Once it’s up and running, the bulk of the site won’t change. So, it doesn’t really need a CMS. No framework, as such. Just chunks of code nicked from t’internet. HTML, CSS, and vanilla JavaScript. Static files on a server.

https://burntwoodspoonies.uk/

I know that raises eyebrows in some circles. But the alternative is a WordPress install that needs updating every three weeks, a plugin that goes unmaintained, and a PHP version that eventually causes problems. I did some of those years ago, and I know what they turn into. Static files just sit there. Nothing to update. Nothing to break. Deploy by FTP. Job done.

Hosting is FastComet shared hosting. Domain via 123-reg. Cos I’ve already got both of those.

Design

Dark navy (#040e1c) with cyan and pink accents. Jellyfish-inspired — fluid, deep, a bit otherworldly. Colour scheme inspired by https://colorkit.co/color-palette-generator/ and https://colorpalette.pro. The jellyfish from the Facebook header runs through everything, including the favicon: a cyan jellyfish on a navy circle, primarily an SVG made by experimenting with Canva and a few online SVG creators, with multiple-sized PNG fall-backs.

There’s only one main page, so the CSS is embedded. No external CSS dependencies. It started as a mess with bits stolen from all the places I nicked HTML from. I optimised it by running it through some online beautifying services. It took an embarrassing amount of tweaking to get right, and by the end, I’m not sure I understood it any longer.

Things worth actually talking about

The spoon counter

Hover over the 🥄 icon in the hero section. It generates a random spoon count between 3 and 69 (cos it’s funnier than a 1 - 100 range), and chooses one of 13 messages. The range 66–69, for example, returns "LOADSASPOONS!!!" - a Harry Enfield reference. Sha didn't stop me from doing this and I consider that an endorsement.

Rotating footer messages

Each time you load a page, you get a random footer message. There are 50, from Sha, Aimee, or me (theaardvark). They're in a JSON file, so Sha can add or change them without touching code. That was on purpose. I look after the site, but most of the words are hers.

The hero greeting

When you load the page, you get a greeting above the hero. It checks for special dates first, then the day of the week, then the time of day, and finally a seasonal oerride. There are 46 messages: time slots, seasons, fixed holidays, and a bunch of moving holidays like Eid, Diwali, Hanukkah, Easter, and the rest.

January 8th triggers a Dudeist Day message because I'm an ordained Dudeist minister.

The easter eggs

I had some fun with the source code, because what’s the point if I wasn’t amusing myself?

The scroll-to-top button

It's a 🥄. Of course, it's a spoon. It shows up after you scroll 400 pixels. But I realised a spoon wasn’t obvious what it does. So hovering gives you a tooltip. No debate needed.

The 404 page

"This page doesn't exist — or it did once, and it's having a bad spoon day." With a wobbling spoon emoji. KOKO, bab. Seemed more appropriate than the usual messages

What went wrong

The nameserver saga

FastComet's documentation quotes generic nameservers. However, since they were taken over by a new owner, the actual nameservers as shown in cPanel's DNS zone editor were different ones — ns1 through ns4 on mysecurecloudhost.com. I pointed the domain at the generic ones. The site didn't resolve. After spending more time than I care to admit, and with some help from Mr Diston of Fidget Group, I diagnosed it using PowerShell's Resolve-DnsName, Nominet RDAP for registry-level verification, and whatsmydns.net to monitor propagation. Fixed it, waited, moved on.

Lesson: check what cPanel says, not the hosting company's docs. They might not be the same.

SSL before .htaccess

I found an example .htaccess file on the internet that forces a HTTPS redirect. Then realised that .htaccess probably better after you made sure the SSL is ready, not before. If you do it first, the site breaks. I know this. I've known it for years. I still did it. Noted for next time.

The Aimee section layout

The "Who's Behind This" section needed to credit Sha, Aimee, and me. Sha gets a full founder section. Aimee and I get a two-card grid below it.

First try: the cards were thin and tall, stuck on the left. The grid was inside the founder container, which keeps a column for the avatar. Second try: moved it out, but got the closing p tags wrong. The cards spilt out and went full-width. Third try: found an errant closing p (took chuffing ages), took it out, and it worked. There was swearing involved.

What the site is actually for

burntwoodspoonies.uk exists because Sha built the Facebook group out of desperation; she felt so isolated and lonely and was reaching out to find people who understood her various illnesses; built by spoonies to find spoonies. Real things deserve a front door that isn't owned by a social media company.

The community it serves — people with chronic illness and disability, and their carers, in Burntwood, Lichfield and the surrounding area — is not well-served by the assumption that everyone is on Facebook, or that everyone who needs support knows where to look for it. The website is how a healthcare professional can refer a patient. It's how someone who doesn't do social media can find the community. It's how the project can hand a URL to a local charity and be taken seriously.

It'll become a service directory. It'll get a local events calendar. For now, it does the job.

https://burntwoodspoonies.uk/

]]> Dust Bunny (2025) Film Review - A Shallow AF Takedown theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/dust-bunny-film-review.html 2026-03-01T20:54:37+00:00 This is our Shallow AF Dust Bunny film review. Tired of pretentious… ]]> Promotional image for Dust Bunny (2025): Mads Mikkelsen broods magnificently at the top while various assassins look menacing around a small girl in a creepy bunny mask who is, presumably, the reason everyone's pointing guns at each other. Text reads: 'Dust Bunny - A Shallow AF Review'.

This is our Shallow AF Dust Bunny film review.

Tired of pretentious film reviews banging on about "character arcs" and "thematic resonance" when all you want to know is if the explosions look cool? Welcome to "Shallow As Fuck Movie Reviews" – for people who'd rather enjoy films than dissect them like some chin-stroking, turtleneck-wearing twat in a sodding biology class.

Dust Bunny (2025). Bryan Fuller's critically acclaimed “family horror” film sees a little girl hiring an assassin to...

"Oh. It's a rip-off of Léon, then." says MrsVark from the other sofa.

Five minutes later.... "Oh. Not like Léon, then."

Thirty minutes later... "Ah, yes. Like Léon. But.... Fucking. Weird." Honestly, it’s incredible how she illiterates both the formatting and the punctuation in that sentence; the brilliant lunatic.

But she's not wrong. Dust Bunny is what you'd get if you put Léon: The Professional and a twisted fairy tale like Pan's Labyrinth in a blender, topped it off with a fistful of Grade-A nutter-bastard, then added a dash of Twin Peaks for spice and Drop Dead Fred [for the Brits - or Ryan Reynold’s beautifully unhinged fever dream, IF, for everyone else].. Throw in some properly nightmarish, Jim Henson-on-a-bad-acid-trip style monster effects for good measure, and you’ve got yourself the dog’s bollocks of a film!

The little girl, 10-year-old Aurora - played by Sophie Sloan, who, thank-Christ, never once looks like a pretentious, arse-faced drama school brat hamming it up - hires her hitman neighbour (Mads Mikkelsen) to kill the monster under her bed. It's got the brooding killer and precocious kid dynamic, but it swerves hard into surreal, messed-the-hell-up "storybook quality" horror.

You’ll spend the first ¾ of the film trying to work out whether the monster is real, like The Thing, or just a kid's imagination explaining away some properly fucked-up, arse-backwards shit, like Life of Pi. For the rest… you’ll have no sodding doubt. It's balls-out bonkers.

"A scene from Dust Bunny: a small girl, a brooding hitman, and Sigourney Weaver sit down for what appears to be a very civilised afternoon tea, in a setting so aggressively floral it looks like a greenhouse shagged an Art Nouveau conservatory. Nobody looks like they're enjoying the sandwiches."

Mads Mikkelsen does his usual thing of looking effortlessly cool and menacing while everything goes to complete and utter shit around him, the jammy bastard. Sigourney Weaver rocks up (stealing every sodding scene she’s in as she always does these days), seemingly to just send more gormless assassins after him, because why the bloody hell not? It's a proper bastard of an action flick with the kind of gritty "inventive fight choreography" and "bloody shootouts" you expect these days. Enough to keep John Wick and Nobody fans entertained. But it also looks twatting good, so if you like your films with more depth than my bollocks reviews, there’s some stuff for you too, you arty-farty twat.

So, is it a rip-off of Léon? Well, bits of it clearly are, you muppet. It's Léon if Jean Reno had to fight a demonic sock puppet. It's weird, it's violent, and it's damned entertaining. A proper, balls-to-the-wall belter.

I give it 5, and a dead-bunny, out of 6.
🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰💀

]]> Why 'theaardvark'? An Origin Story theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/why-theaardvark-an-origin-story.html 2026-02-12T18:30:39+00:00 People sometimes ask why I go by 'theaardvark'. It’s a fair question,… ]]> Photo: Black line drawing of an aardvark in profile on a pale grey textured background. The aardvark faces right with its characteristic long snout and ears, shown in a simplified cartoon style with visible claws on all four feet. Below the drawing is the text "theaardvark" in bold black lowercase letters.

People sometimes ask why I go by 'theaardvark'. It’s a fair question, since it’s not exactly a usual name—unless, of course, you hang out with pople for whom aardvarks are the gold standard for personal branding (are there any such people? other than me, obv). I usually give a quick answer, but here’s the full, thoroughly underwhelming story.

It began in my early twenties, a time when my ambitions peaked at ‘mildly amusing’. I used to publically speculate that I’d leave my thrilling post as a VAT Officer for HMC&E; an occupation so electrifying, it involved an office-issued calculator. My plan was to launch an aardvark pest control company. Genius, really: I’d turn up at your house, scatter some mystical aardvark repellent dust, and guarantee you’d never see an aardvark there. If you did, you’d get your money back.

It was a foolproof plan. I’ll admit, I borrowed the idea from a Peter Cook joke about elephants, but aardvarks seemed a bit more niche. It felt more like me.

A few years later, when I started a real business as an in-demand DJ and entertainment agent, the name was obvious. That’s how “aardvark.dj Entertainments” was born. The genius was that “aardvark” is near the top of any alphabetical list . Back then, we had the Yellow Pages, which was a big book of phone numbers delivered to every house. Being first in the A’s was the 90s version of search engine optimisation. Some taxi companies even called themselves “...1st Cabs” just to get ahead.

Then, social media arrived, with the need to create a unique brand in as few characters as possible. 'The Aardvark' seemed the obvious choice. In homage to the glory days of Usenet and internet forums, where capital letters and spaces were considered unnecessarily flamboyant, I went with 'theaardvark'. All one word, all lowercase. A quiet, understated sort of name for a quiet, understated sort of chap.

So there you have it. It started as a joke about pest control, became a strategically “genius” business name, and eventually settled as my online alias. It’s not an exciting story by any stretch, but it’s mine. And, it could have been worse. I could have been ‘thewarthog’.

Now, so many people know me as “theaardvark” or “Aardvark Paul” that it’s only a matter of time before my post arrives addressed to ‘Mr. A. Vark’. I respond to ‘theaardvark’ as readily as “Paul”, which would only ever be awkward if there’s an actual aardvark being called. But truthfully, I really like the name. It’s quietly unremarkable, slightly odd, and entirely mine. I’ve embraced it everywhere.

Besides, I could have chosen ‘thewarthog’. Imagine the branding challenges there.

Cartoon: Black line drawing of a warthog in profile on a white background. The warthog faces right, showing its characteristic tusks, spiky mane along its back, pointed ears, and thin tail. The illustration uses simple bold outlines in a cartoon style similar to the aardvark design.
]]> Flow State meets DnB - Teaser theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/flow-state-meets-dnb-teaser.html 2026-02-02T20:55:24+00:00 Last month, I “dropped” a track called 'Flow State'. It's a ten-minute… ]]> A simple line drawing on a textured beige stone background. At the top is an abstract flowing symbol made of continuous looping black lines that cross and weave through each other. Below it is a minimalist illustration of an aardvark drawn in a single continuous black line, shown in profile facing right with its distinctive long snout, upright ears, and visible claws. At the bottom in black text: "AarDHD - Flow State (Vivid Flow Remix) Teaser" with the 'A' being a smaller version of the flowing symbol above.

Last month, I “dropped” a track called 'Flow State'. It's a ten-minute piece of functional music, built around an 11Hz binaural beat designed to help with focus and calm concentration. It's ambient, unobtrusive, and does what it says on the tin. You put headphones on, and it helps your brain get into a state of relaxed alertness. Simple.

But what if calm focus isn’t your thing?

It seems what my very calm, very functional focus music really needed was to be taken out the back and given the 174bpm jungle drum beat treatment. So, that's what I did.

From Calm Concentration to Liquid Energy

The result is the 'Flow State (Vivid Flow Remix)'. It takes the atmospheric, melodic core of the original and injects it with the kind of energy you don't typically associate with deep work. It's an experiment in contrasts: what happens when you smash together music designed for quiet contemplation with a genre built for movement?

It's a bit like finding out your quiet librarian cousin spends their weekends cage fighting. Unexpected, but you're also quite intrigued.

Have a Listen

For anyone whose idea of 'Flow State' involves slightly more frantic energy, here's a preview. You've been warned. The full track will be out soon.

It's still got the atmospheric soundscape, but now it's underpinned by a relentless drum and bass rhythm. Is it for focus? Is it for dancing? I'm not entirely sure. You decide.

]]> A New Home for My Videos: videos.aard.at theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/a-new-home-for-my-videos-videosaardat.html 2026-01-28T21:51:00+00:00 I've set up a new home for my video content at videos.aard.at. ]]> Screenshot of the AarDHD Flow State video on the AardVids PeerTube instance at videos.aard.at, showing the video thumbnail with the flowing symbol logo and line-drawn aardvark on a textured beige background, along with the video title and playback interface.

I've set up a new home for my video content at videos.aard.at.

It runs on a platform called PeerTube, an open-source, decentralised, Feperse alternative to YouTube and other corporate video sites.

What that means in practice is that I control the platform, there are no adverts, and nobody's data is being harvested for mysterious purposes. It's just a place to watch videos.

Why Bother?

For now, the site will host my AarDHD project videos. As you may know, AarDHD is my project to create functional music that aids focus, particularly for those of us with noisy brains. The first track, "Flow State," is built around an 11Hz binaural beat to encourage a state of relaxed alertness.

Putting these videos on my own site is an experiment. I don't make any money from the streaming itself. My hope is that by providing a dedicated, ad-free space, the people who find the music useful might be more inclined to support the project directly.

If you find the music helpful, you can purchase the tracks from Bandcamp or Mirlo. This is what allows me to keep making them.

First Video: AarDHD - Flow State

Here is the first video, embedded from the new site.

Let me know what you think.

]]> New logo and a lick of paint - over at Wheely Happy Days theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/new-logo-and-a-lick-of-paint-over-at-wheely-happy-days.html 2026-01-27T16:56:10+00:00 This is a copy of a post over on Wheely Happy Days. ]]> A cartoon illustration showing a woman with bright red wavy hair and round black glasses, wearing a dark blue top and bright pink boots. She sits in a wheelchair decorated with a vibrant sun motif wheel featuring the text "WHEELY HAPPY DAYS" in white letters around an orange and yellow radiating sun design. The style is bold and cheerful with a retro feel.

This is a copy of a post over on Wheely Happy Days. I wanted to share it here too.

Paul - As a late birthday present for Sha, I went and commissioned Lar DeSouza to create a proper logo for Wheely Happy Days, because a hastily thrown together placeholder months wasn't cutting it anymore.

Lar draws the web comic Least I Could Do, amongst other things, and he's chuffin' brilliant.

He's open for commissions if you fancy getting something done, and he also runs month-long charity drives for MS Canada every year, raising funds for multiple sclerosis research. During these drives, he'll create themed avatars for a fraction of his usual commission price. At the moment, he's offering a Jay Ward avatar or a (My Little) Pony avatar.

Back when we had such luxuries as disposable income, I may have developed a slight habit of collecting these. We've got Wild Things, Turning Red, Fraggles, and Animaniacs versions knocking about. They're good fun and support a worthy cause, so it's win-win really. 

A cartoon illustration of a yellow Fraggle character with large googly eyes and a golden-yellow moustache and beard, wearing a white shirt, dark waistcoat, and a red, green, and yellow tartan kilt with an orange button as a sporran. The character has a tail and stands in the Gorgs' garden with brown rocky walls, green plants, and pink radishes growing from the ground. The style mimics Jim Henson's Fraggle Rock aesthetic.
Paul as a Fraggle
A cartoon illustration in Maurice Sendak's 'Where the Wild Things Are' style showing a wild thing character with cream-colored horns, wearing round yellow glasses, and sporting a magnificent ginger-orange beard that covers most of its body. The creature has tan furry arms raised up, white scaled legs with clawed feet, and a ginger tail. Set against a teal background with scratchy foliage patterns and simple grass at the bottom. The character appears joyful and energetic in typical wild thing fashion.
Paul as a character from Where the Wild Things Are
A cartoon illustration in Animaniacs style showing a Wakko Warner-inspired character with a ginger deard, wearing black-framed glasses, a red top hat, black top, red kilt, white gloves, and orange-detailed boots. The character is running while holding up a contract document with a gold seal and blue ribbon. Set against a blue and green geometric background with a circular gradient.
Paul as a character from Animaniacs
A cartoon illustration in Animaniacs style showing a young girl with purple hair in two buns, large green eyes, wearing a black top and yellow skirt with white socks and black shoes. The character is running energetically while holding up a contract document with a gold seal and blue ribbon. Set against a blue and green geometric background with a circular gradient. The art style mimics the classic Warner Bros. animation aesthetic.
Sha as a character from Animaniacs
A cartoon illustration combining both characters from the previous images - the young girl in black and yellow running alongside the ginger bearded character in the top hat and red kilt. Both are holding their respective contract documents. The scene is set against the same blue and green geometric background with circular gradient, creating a dynamic duo composition in classic Animaniacs animation style.
The two of us as Animaniacs
A cartoon illustration in Pixar's 'Turning Red' animation style showing a large fluffy red panda with orange and white fur, wearing a black bowler hat, standing beside a human character. The human figure wears a black bowler hat, has a ginger beard, and is dressed in a dark grey top, skirt, and red trainers with white laces. The character stands with arms crossed in a confident pose next to the giant red panda. Set against a gradient red background that shifts from deep red at the edges to lighter pink in the centre, matching the film's vibrant aesthetic.
Paul as a character from Turning Red

With the new logo sorted, I figured I'd better update the site's colour scheme to match. Out went the old palette, in came burnt orange, burgundy, and cream to complement the sunshine wheel design in the logo.

Took me about three hours of faffing about with CSS to get it right, but there we are.

Let us know what you think. Or don't. I'll probably leave it as is either way.

]]> AarDHD - Flow State: Now Available theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/aardhd-flow-state-now-available.html 2026-01-20T23:57:30+00:00 A week ago, I posted a short teaser about a new piece… ]]> A simple line drawing on a textured beige stone background. At the top is an abstract flowing symbol made of continuous looping black lines that cross and weave through each other. Below it is a minimalist illustration of an aardvark drawn in a single continuous black line, shown in profile facing right with its distinctive long snout, upright ears, and visible claws. At the bottom in black text: "AarDHD - Flow State" with the 'A' being a smaller version of the flowing symbol above.

A week ago, I posted a short teaser about a new piece of music I'd been working on. It's called 'Flow State', and it's the first release from a new project of mine, AarDHD.

Why AarDHD?

I have ADHD and autism (AuDHD). Since before I was diagnosed, I've struggled to find music that helps me concentrate when my head gets stressed and noisy. Especially when I’m taking stimulant ADHD medication. Most "focus music," particularly tracks using binaural beats, tends to be monotonous and clinical. It works, but it's profoundly boring. On the other hand, music I actually enjoy is often too distracting to work to.

I needed something that sounded like actual music but still did the job of calming my brain down. I couldn't find it, so I decided to make it myself. 'Flow State' is the first result of that experiment.

What is 'Flow State'?

It's a ten-minute piece of melodic, functional music built around an 11Hz binaural beat. That frequency falls within the Alpha brainwave range, associated with a state of relaxed alertness—ideal for focus when stress or anxiety makes concentration difficult.

The challenge was to embed this frequency into a musically coherent composition without it sounding dissonant or like a science experiment. Working with Barry Diston at Fidget Studios, we figured out a way to achieve the frequency entrainment within the instrumentation itself. Without giving away all the trade secrets, it involves carefully shifting the pitch of stereo instrument layers in opposite directions. This creates the 11Hz difference required for the binaural effect, but within a coherent musical structure.

The track works as background music through any speakers, but for the full brainwave entrainment effect, you'll need to use headphones. That's how the stereo separation creates the effect in your brain.

Here is the full track on YouTube:

Listen, Stream, or Purchase

'Flow State' is a tool I built for myself, but I hope others find it useful too.

You can find all the links to stream or purchase the track on the main services via this one page:

https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/aardhd/flow-state

I want to create more of these tracks. I have enough ideas to create an album of 11Hz relaxed-focus music. And I’m thinking beyond that to albums that are made to create other mind states.

Streaming and sharing on YouTube or purchasing from one of the download sites will hopefully help me generate enough funds to follow through on these ambitions.

If this sounds like something that might help you, give it a listen.

You can read a little more about the project on the AarDHD website.

]]> Flow State: Something New Coming Monday theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/flow-state-something-new-coming-monday.html 2026-01-13T11:42:27+00:00 I've been working on something different for the past few months. It's… ]]> A simple line drawing on a textured beige paper background. At the top is an abstract flowing symbol made of continuous looping black lines that cross and weave through each other. Below it is a minimalist illustration of a serene, floating aardvark drawn in a single continuous black line, shown in profile facing right with its distinctive long snout, upright ears, and visible claws. At the bottom in black text: "AarDHD - Flow State" with the 'A' being a smaller version of the flowing symbol above.

I've been working on something different for the past few months. It's a piece of ambient music called 'Flow State', and it releases on Monday 19th January.

What is it?

Ten minutes of ambient soundscape built around an 11Hz binaural beat. It's designed to help with focus when stress or anxiety are making concentration difficult - something anyone with ADHD will recognise as a regular problem.

I wanted to create something that actually sounded like music rather than clinical background noise, but still had the functional element of binaural beats working underneath. Barry Diston at Fidget Studios did the production and engineering and helped me work out how to achieve the frequency entrainment in the instrumentation.

Here's a 22-second excerpt:

Note on listening: The track works as ambient music through any speakers, but if you want the binaural beat entrainment effect, you'll need headphones - that's how the stereo separation creates the effect in your brain.

Full track drops Monday on YouTube and all the usual streaming platforms. I'll post links then.

If this sounds like something that might help you focus, subscribe to the AarDHD YouTube channel to catch the release.

]]> Unjaring Fart Starters, Ring Stingers and Ass Blasters pickled onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-fart-starters-ring-stingers-and-ass-blasters-pickled-onions.html 2025-12-31T02:10:04+00:00 ¡Ahoy hoy, Pickle Fam! And a hearty welcome to any passing chilli1… ]]> Photo: Three glass jars of pickled onions from The Funky Food Co. arranged left to right. Labels read "Fart Starters", "Ring Stingers", and "Ass Blasters" - all pickled onions in malt vinegar with chillies. Each label features an illustration of an onion, chillies, and a vinegar bottle. The jars contain pale onions visible through the glass, with varying levels of visible chilli pieces in the brine.

¡Ahoy hoy, Pickle Fam! And a hearty welcome to any passing chilli1 enthusiasts joining us. If you're searching for hot pickled onions that'll give your taste buds a proper workout, you've come to the right place. I've just unjarred three increasingly spicy offerings from The Funky Food Co: Fart Starters, Ring Stingers, and the magnificently named Ass Blasters pickled onions.

For those unfamiliar with my "unjaring" videos, they're essentially a cross between an unboxing video and a blind taste test. I open and try pickled onions for the first time on camera, giving you my immediate, unfiltered reaction. No preparation, no second takes, just me, a pickle fork, and whatever consequences follow.

The Chilli Pickled Onion Lineup

All three jars contain silver skin onions pickled in malt vinegar with crushed red chillies. The difference, as far as I can tell, is simply the amount of chilli. More chilli equals more heat. Simple enough, you'd think.

The Fart Starters are the entry-level option – pickled onions with a gentle chilli kick that won't frighten off the uninitiated. The Ass Blasters step things up a notch with a more assertive heat. And the Ring Stingers? Well, the name rather gives the game away, doesn't it?

The Tasting Process (And Why Spacing Matters)

I quickly realised I couldn't just plough through all three jars one after another. The cumulative effect of chilli-pickled onions would completely obliterate my palate, rendering any meaningful comparison impossible. So I filmed the video in three parts, with a decent gap between each tasting. I had cold milk and strong cider on hand – the former for emergency chilli relief, the latter because... well, because it was there.

The Fart Starters were pleasantly surprising. Quite sweet (there's sugar in the ingredients), with a fairly mild burn. You know you're eating something with chillies in, but it's nowhere near painful. A solid introduction to spicy pickled onions for anyone who's been living on Branston's offerings.

The Ring Stingers delivered a proper vinegary hot chilli attack. Significantly hotter than the Fart Starters, with that real punch you want from a chilli-pickled onion. Still bearable, but you'd struggle to eat more than two or three in quick succession.

Then came the Ass Blasters. And this is where things got interesting.

The Great Chilli-to-Eye Incident

Between tastings, my eye started itching. Without thinking – and this is crucial – I scratched it. With the same hand I'd been using to handle jars covered in chilli vinegar.

Do not, under any circumstances, scratch your eye after handling chilli products until you've thoroughly washed your hands. The pain is immediate, intense, and entirely self-inflicted. The eye patch I wore for the third tasting was for comedic effect, but the pain was very real indeed.

The Hotness Rating Cock-Up

Here's where I completely ballsed things up. In the video, fuelled by strong cider and residual chilli burn, I managed to get the heat rankings completely wrong. I suggested the Fart Starters might be the hottest, which is categorically bollocks.

The correct order, from mildest to hottest, is:

  1. Fart Starters – Entry level, good chilli hit
  2. Ass Blasters – Next level up, proper heat
  3. Ring Stingers – The ones for chilli enthusiasts

I've added on-screen text corrections to the video, but I'm leaving my confused rambling in because it's a perfect demonstration of what happens when you combine alcohol, capsaicin, and a 53-year-old man with ADHD.

What's Next?

The Funky Food Co also make something called Great Balls of Fire, which I assume sits somewhere beyond Ring Stingers on the Scoville scale of regret. I'll be picking up a jar soon for another unjaring video.

This isn't a full review – that'll come once I've worked my way through more of each jar and can give a proper assessment. For now, I can say these are all decent chilli pickled onions that deliver exactly what their increasingly alarming names promise.

If you're into pickled onions or have a weird fascination with watching middle-aged men make questionable food choices on the internet, hit like and subscribe on YouTube, or give the video a heart and follow me on TikTok. You can find more of my pickled onion nonsense at on this website.

And remember: wash your hands before touching your face. Trust me on this one.

Photo: theaardvark holding a bottle of Severn Cider towards the camera. He's wearing black-framed glasses over an eye patch covering his right eye, giving a pirate aesthetic. His mouth is open mid-speech. The bottle has a cream-coloured label with green apple illustrations and "Severn Cider" text. Green and blue ambient lighting illuminates the background pegboard wall with the TTHEAARDVARK’S RADIO SHOW. Silver ring visible on his hand holding the bottle.

 

1 - Apparently, "Chilli" with two Ls and "Chili" with one L are both acceptable spelling when referring to the hot pepper. Which is just as well seeing as I appear to have used both across this post and the video. The word "chile", without the capital C, is also used, mostly by Hispanic Americans.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #15: The Funky Food Co's Honey Pickled Onions and Apple Cider Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-15-the-funky-food-cos-honey-pickled-onions-and-apple-cider-vinegar-pickled-onions.html 2025-12-30T17:59:41+00:00 It's time to get funky again. After their Guinness & Marmite onions… ]]> Two sealed jars of The Funky Food Co pickled onions with black lids, showing the full labels. Left: Honey Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar With Honey. Right: Apple Cider Pickled Onions in Apple Cider. Both jars are approximately half-full of pale pickled onions in clear liquid. Background shows partial purple text.

It's time to get funky again. After their Guinness & Marmite onions and the benchmark-setting "Dogs Bollocks", we're back with Staffordshire's own The Funky Food Co for another double-header. This time, it’s all about their Honey Pickled Onions and Apple Cider Pickled Onions.

Full disclosure so that you can read my opinions knowing what my biases are. I like The Funky Food Co. See my review of their “The Dogs Bollocks” pickled onions for more on why.

Two opened jars of The Funky Food Co pickled onions on a wooden surface with their lids placed beside them. Left jar: Honey Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar with Honey. Right jar: Apple Cider Pickled Onions in Apple Cider. In front of the jars is a pink grapefruit-shaped ceramic dish containing five pickled onions arranged in a circle. Background shows partial text giving theaardvark's (former) Twitter (RiP) handle and Facebook address.

Now, I've made no secret of my general scepticism towards sweet pickled onions in the past. Too often, they misunderstand their purpose, sacrificing that essential, sharp tang for a cloying sweetness. However, I must admit that my opinion is starting to shift. Decent producers, like The Funky Food Co, are proving that sweetness, when handled correctly, can be a virtue. I'm finding these well-crafted sweet onions are surprisingly easy to eat in slightly larger quantities—a habit I've been indulging in for the last few months.

Close-up of ingredient labels on both jars. Left label reads: "Ingredients: silver skin onions, honey, malt vinegar (BARLEY) sugar, salt Spirit vinegar, acidity regulator, Acetic acid. Allergen Advice: For allergens, see ingredients in bold." Right label reads: "Ingredients: silver skin onions, apple cider (50%) white spirit vinegar malted (BARLEY) sugar, salt Spirit vinegar, acidity regulator, Acetic acid. This product is produced in an area where peanuts"

The Funky Food Co's Honey Pickled Onions

First up, the Honey Pickled Onions. The ingredients list is refreshingly simple: onions, honey, malt vinegar, sugar, and salt. The taste is exactly as advertised. You get the superb, classic malt vinegar onion flavour, but with a clear and distinct layer of honey over the top. It adds a character that dessert lovers will certainly appreciate, creating a complex profile that is both tangy and sweet. They've retained a decent crunch, avoiding the softness that can plague lesser onions.

The Funky Food Co's Apple Cider Pickled Onions

Next, the Apple Cider Pickled Onions. These offer a similar sweetness to the honey version, but with a distinct, crisp apple-y note. The pickling liquid is lighter and clearer, and the flavour is fantastic.

I'm a fan of apple cider vinegar, second only to a proper malt vinegar. It's definitely one I'll be looking to use when I finally get around to my own pickling experiments. Whilst these aren't pickled in apple cider vinegar, instead a mixture of vinegars with apple cider added, they do give a result that seems similar to how I remember apple cider vinegar pickled items to taste. And, of course, there's the added bonus that they might come with all the health benefits we hear about from regular apple cider vinegar consumption.

Top-down view looking into both opened jars. Left jar contains darker amber-coloured honey vinegar with pickled onions visible beneath the surface. Right jar shows lighter, clearer apple cider vinegar with pickled onions. Both jars show the liquid and onions from directly above.

The Verdict

This was another strong showing from The Funky Food Co. Both jars offer a brilliant take on a sweeter pickled onion, proving that it can be done without sacrificing the fundamental character of the pickled onion. They are dangerously moreish.

My only gripe, as with their flavoured onions, is the size. I’m aware this is a very subjective point, particularly as not many people eat as many onions as I do in a sitting. These are both silverskin onions, which means a dessert spoon is required for efficient shovelling if you want to consume an actual mouthful. If these came in a larger onion format, they would be serious contenders for a perfect score from me.

The Funky Food Co's Honey Pickled Onions - 4 onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

The Funky Food Co's Apple Cider Pickled Onions - 4½ onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅🌗

The Apple Cider just edges it for me, thanks to that crisp, tangy sweetness that feels both refreshing and complex. Both are excellent, though, and a testament to the fact that even a sweet-onion sceptic can be won over.

Whilst I’m talking about excellent things I’ve bought from small producers, I recently came across the beautiful pink grapefruit dish you can see with the onions on. It’s by a creator called Anna, who runs Earth and Sand. I spotted it on her BlueSky feed and bought it from her Etsy shop pretty much immediately. It’s another example of how modern web tools are enabling independent artists to connect directly with people who appreciate their work. And it’s a straightforward way to support small, creative businesses; something I love doing, along with bigging up their work where I can.

Photo: Ceramic dish shaped and painted as a pink grapefruit slice, viewed from above. Six pale pickled onions are arranged in a circle on the dish's surface, which features detailed segments radiating from a central circle, painted in coral pink with white membrane lines. The rim is painted and textured to resemble grapefruit peel in orange and yellow tones. Liquid from the pickled onions pools in the centre and segments.
]]> The Ultimate Scottish Breakfast: Our First Attempt theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-ultimate-scottish-breakfast-our-first-attempt.html 2025-12-30T00:46:19+00:00 Some breakfasts are simple. Others need a plan and a bit of… ]]> Photo: Close-up of a Scottish breakfast plate showing the layered construction: fried egg on black pudding, with haggis slices, beans spilling across the plate, potato scones, Lorne sausage, and bacon. The champagne flute stands guard in the background.

Some breakfasts are simple. Others need a plan and a bit of recovery time. The full Scottish breakfast is definitely in the second group. We got a delivery of the real ingredients from Edinburgh and decided to give it a try. Here’s how it went.

The Arsenal

You can't build a masterpiece without the right materials. A proper Scottish fry-up is a symphony of specific, non-negotiable parts. Here's the line-up we assembled, a sight to behold.

Raw ingredients laid out on a wooden chopping board: sliced haggis, white pudding rounds stacked up, black pudding slices, bacon rashers on gingham paper, Lorne sausage squares, and potato scones in packaging. Everything present and correct for inspection.

We had everything: haggis, black pudding, white pudding, Lorne sausage, and tattie scones. The basics were there too—bacon, eggs, and a tin of beans that says it counts as one of your five-a-day. That’s a stretch. We also made some Buck’s Fizz, just because it seemed right.

Photo: Two champagne flutes filled with orange juice standing between plastic-wrapped ingredients on gingham tea towels. A bottle of Prosecco Rosé lurks behind them. Breakfast labels visible on the potato scones. We're having Buck's Fizz, obviously.

The Process: Controlled Chaos

The hardest part was timing. Getting everything cooked and on the plate while it’s still hot is tricky. Since this was our first try, the timing wasn’t perfect.

We put the Lorne sausage and some of the other meats in the air fryer and a pan. It worked well enough.

Photo: Five square Lorne sausage slices arranged in a circular air fryer basket, raw and ready for cooking. The geometric precision of Scottish breakfast engineering.
Photo: White pudding, black pudding, Lorne sausage and sliced haggis arranged in the basket of an air-fryer. The band forming ready for their performance.

Next, the bacon. No messing about here, just cook rashers a hot griddle pan until they know they've been cooked. MrsVark and I like our bacon “well done”.

Photo: Bacon rashers laid out and cooking on a grill pan, before their transformation into proper breakfast material.

Then the eggs. Fried until the whites were set and the yolks were still soft. At least this part went as planned - for a total of one out of the three eggs.

hoto: Three fried eggs and sliced mushrooms sizzling in a black frying pan. The eggs have vibrant orange yolks and are at that perfect stage where the whites are just set. This is where the magic happens.

The Result

Once everything was cooked, we started plating. It was a bit of a balancing act, especially keeping the beans away from the eggs. The end result looked great—a big pile of food in all the right colours.

Photo: A full Scottish breakfast on a white plate with a champagne flute of orange juice and a jar of Baxters Alberta Victorian Pickle. The plate contains black pudding, white pudding, haggis slices, baked beans, a fried egg, two grilled potato scones, Lorne sausage, and bacon, all arranged against a stainless steel splashback.

Was it perfect? No. Some things were a touch over-cooked, and others just very slightly under-cooked. But it was a real Scottish breakfast, and it was very satisfying. It’s the kind of meal that makes you want to get up and do something, or maybe just take a nap.

We made three plates for MrsVark, MicroVark and me. If you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right.

Photo: Two full Scottish breakfast plates side by side on a wooden board, each with a champagne flute of orange juice between them. Both plates are loaded with the full works: black pudding, white pudding, haggis, beans, eggs, potato scones, sausage, bacon, and grilled tomato. Because one breakfast is never enough.

We’ll try again. Next time, the timing should be better. Probably.

]]> Gin Advent Calendar: The Grand, Belated Finale theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-the-grand-belated-finale.html 2025-12-29T21:03:55+00:00 We actually did it. Every single one of the 25 doors on… ]]> Three people in what appears to be a home office or creative space. In front on the left, a woman with bright red hair styled up, wearing a sparkly dark jumper with metallic gold threading. In front on the right, a bald man with black-framed glasses and a long purple beard, wearing a dark grey t-shirt with gold and orange text reading "ACTUALLY AUTISTIC". He's holding up his right hand showing four fingers extended, displaying multiple silver rings and wearing colourful festival-style wristbands and a braided blue and yellow bracelet. Behind them stands a younger man with reddish-brown hair wearing a dark dressing gown, looking at the camera. Behind them on the left is the female mannequin upper torso with lampshade decorated with bright pink tinsel, white plush seagull, and various ornaments on a dark purple wall. A large display of reflective circules arranged in rows is visible in the centre background. On the right, a mannequin, head out of shot, wears a black sleeveless jacket, decorated with various colourful badges including rainbow stripes, "STAY WEIRD" text, and chains. The setting has cream-coloured and blue walls with various decorative items throughout.

We actually did it. Every single one of the 25 doors on the Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar is now open. Honestly, I’m surprised we managed to keep this up, but somehow we did. This last post is a bit late—recorded on December 28th—because the festive season had other ideas. With MrsVark still not feeling great and me running on empty, Christmas Day turned into a nap marathon instead of a gin tasting.

But we couldn’t just leave it hanging. Even with all the health stuff this month, doing this together has been a lot of fun. For the final round, we even brought in a special guest: MicroVark, making his first appearance and looking about as happy as a cat at a dog show.

Day 24: Never Never Distilling Co. Triple Juniper Gin

First up for Christmas Eve was the Triple Juniper Gin from Never Never Distilling Co. Even the name sounds a bit ominous. It promised a lot of juniper, and it definitely delivered. This is a proper, no-nonsense gin for grown-ups. MrsVark, being sensible, tried it over ice and made a face that said it was more of a test than a treat. As for me, it tastes like the most London gin you can imagine—the sort of thing that probably inspired Hogarth’s Gin Lane. Mother’s Ruin, for sure.

Day 25: KYRÖ Pink Gin

For the main event on Christmas Day, we got a Pink Gin from Finland’s KYRÖ distillery. MrsVark usually likes a pink gin, but this one wasn’t very pink. Still, it was actually pretty good. It’s flavoured but not too sweet, which is more than you can say for a lot of them. Not a bad way to finish the calendar, even if it wasn’t a showstopper. MicroVark even tried a sip, then announced he’s not a gin person. Typical.

So, Was It Worth It?

So that’s it for our slightly chaotic, often late, and sometimes mannequin-assisted trip through 25 little bottles of gin. Some were brilliant, some tasted a bit like cleaning fluid. It’s been great sharing it all with you.

Thanks for sticking with us through all this nonsense. We’re officially done with daily gin reviews—our livers need a rest. Happy New Year, and here’s to more gin in 2026.

Photo: Twenty-five empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, flanked by white decorative busts, framed photographs, and decorative items. From left to right, the bottles have black screw caps and cream-coloured labels reading various brands including multiple "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" bottles, "Tanqueray", "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY", "EDINBURGH GIN", "JAFFA CAKE GIN", "EAST LONDON LIQUOR CO.", "KYRÖ DISTILLERY COMPANY", and "NEVER NEVER DISTILLING CO." One bottle has a distinctive pink label. Behind the bottles on the left is an ornate dark wooden oval frame containing a 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl and woman in red. Next to it is a light-coloured rectangular frame showing two people in formal dress in a garden setting. A brown wooden frame contains another photograph. On the far left is a tall decorative horn with coloured horizontal stripes, and a white classical-style bust. Small decorative items are visible between bottles, including a Christmas-themed lego figurine and a card reading "Someone like you Makes it all Worthwhile" with bee illustrations. On the right side are more decorative items including a framed artwork of a sloth. A white classical-style bust is positioned on the far right. The scene is set against a cream textured wall.

The Final Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly approved – 8/10
  • Day 13 (The Lakes Classic Gin): Perfectly acceptable – 7/10
  • Day 14 (Jaffa Cake Gin): Better than expected – 8/10
  • Day 15 (That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin): A clear winner – 6/10
  • Day 16 (Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin): Does what it says on the tin - 7/10
  • Day 17 (Roku Gin): Competent and professional - 6/10
  • Day 18 (Whitley Neill Rhubarb & Ginger): Near-perfect - 9.5/10
  • Day 19 (North Uist Downpour Gin): Pleasant but strong tasting - 7/10
  • Day 20 (Aviation Gin): The quiet, unassuming one - 7/10
  • Day 21 (Edinburgh Gin Rhubarb & Ginger): The ace in the pack. Top notch - 9½/10
  • Day 22 (East London Liquor Co Gin: An everyday gin that's not London Dry - 8/10
  • Day 23 (Nordés Atlantic Galician Gin): A gin for the Tequila enthusiast - 8/10
  • Day 24 (Never Never Distilling Co. Triple Juniper Gin): Gin² - 8/10
  • Day 25 (KYRÖ Pink Gin): A good, classic pink gin - 8/10

Success Rate: 96% (24 successes, 1 miss)

So, what did we learn from all this? Well, the final tally shows that 24 out of the 25 gins scored a 6/10 or higher. That’s a 96% success rate, a figure so surprisingly positive that either MrsVark and I know bugger all about Gin, or Drinks by the Dram know A LOT. Perhaps our standards slipped as the month wore on, or maybe the cumulative effect of daily gin consumption made us more generous.

Either way, for a project undertaken amidst health challenges and general festive chaos, we’ll take it. It turns out that even when you’re not feeling your best, it’s hard to be disappointed by gin in a tiny bottle. A resounding, if slurred, success.

Let us know in the comments what you thought, and if you’ve got any ideas for what we should try next. Cheers!

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15 | Days 16 & 17 | Day 18 | Day 19 | Days 20 & 21 | Days 22 & 23

]]> Gin Advent Days 22 & 23: The One We Forgot To Pack (And the Gigs We Didn't!) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-days-22-and-23-the-one-we-forgot-to-pack-and-the-gigs-we-didnt.html 2025-12-27T19:58:03+00:00 Well, here we are. Days 22 and 23 of the Gin Advent… ]]> Photo: Two hands holding small glass bottles of gin against a soft, warm blurred background with peachy-orange tones. On the left, a bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden liquid. The cream-coloured label reads "EAST LONDON LIQUOR CO." at the top, with a horizontal line below and "Gin" at the bottom. On the right, a bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden liquid. The cream-coloured label displays "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" at the top, followed by "Nordés Atlantic Galician Gin" and "Gin" below. The background is deliberately out of focus, showing warm lighting with indistinct blurred shapes suggesting people and interior furnishings, with hints of red and purple visible.

Well, here we are. Days 22 and 23 of the Gin Advent Calendar, finally making an appearance after I managed to leave the whole thing behind when we went away before Christmas. Sorry if anyone was waiting with bated breath for these – though let’s be honest, nobody’s that bothered. The festive spirit is back in hand, just a bit behind schedule.

This catch-up session was recorded on Boxing Day, usually reserved for constructing physically improbable sandwiches out of leftover turkey and sprouts. For us, it was also the day we finally clawed our way back from the depths of extreme fatigue, the hefty price we paid for going to two excellent gigs in two days. With MrsVark's FND & CFS, and my own delightful Long COVID-induced fatigue, recording anything on Christmas Day itself was simply a non-starter. So, a joyous occasion of belated gin discovery, alongside reminiscing about some incredible live music, it was!

Speaking of incredible live music, these past few days have been a blur of fantastic tunes. On the 22nd, we were thrilled to catch the brilliant Independent Country. Those Birmingham cowboys know how to turn an indie classic into a foot-stomping, hat-tipping, country-tinged masterpiece. If you haven't heard them, imagine Dolly Parton and John Denver singing songs written by The Smiths, PWEI and other 90s indie gods – it’s glorious! Then, on the 23rd, it was High Horses, who were f’in’ superb. Their Christmas gigs at The Dark Horse are always the highlight of the year’s gigs.

Anyway, back to the gin.

Day 22: East London Liquor Co Gin

First up, recovered from our memory lapse was the East London Liquor Co Gin. We'll confess, we knew absolutely nothing about East London Liquor Co before this advent calendar introduced us, beyond what a quick internet search could tell us. This one was... interesting. It leaned heavily into the sweet and lemony camp – quite a departure from your classic London Dry. It was certainly distinct, a bit like that one aunt who insists on bringing her "special" lemonade to Christmas dinner – you appreciate the effort, but you're not quite sure if it belongs. Still, a pleasant enough surprise to kick off our belated gin-a-thon.

Day 23: Nordés Atlantic Galician Gin

Door 23 brought Nordés Atlantic Galician Gin. Oh, Nordés. Where do we begin? When we first clocked the name, we thought it might be something to do with glaciers or some Nordic ice-related shite. A bit more internet sleuthing revealed that "Nordés" actually refers to a cool Atlantic wind that blows across Galicia in northwest Spain – which explains the "Atlantic Galician" bit, at least. Geography lesson aside, we were struck by its… unique aroma. "Tequila," MrsVark observed, and she wasn't wrong. Not exactly what you expect from a gin, but fair enough – we're not opposed to something different. The taste followed suit – a bit bland, a bit like it was trying to be something it wasn't, perhaps a gin having a bit of an identity crisis. Not terrible, just… odd. An interesting one, for sure, but probably not knocking any of our perennial favourites off their pedestals.

The Musical Interlude (and an Apology!)

As always, this video isn't just about our (sometimes questionable) gin-tasting abilities. This one features a photo montage from the gigs we attended, with the sublime sounds of "Waiting so Long" by High Horses providing the soundtrack. So, even if our gin commentary isn't award-worthy, at least the music is!

The Running Tally!

So, where are we on the gin scale? A few standouts, a few oddballs, and now a gin with tequila ambitions. Never dull.

The Running Tally

  • Number of gins so far: 23
  • Number of gins we’d actually buy: 22
  • Success Rate: 95.7%

Had a gin that tasted like something else? Been to a gig that knocked your socks off? Let us know in the comments.

Cheers, and here's to catching up!

Photo: Twenty-one empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, flanked by white decorative busts and framed photographs. From left to right, the bottles read: "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Sipsmith Raffles 1915 Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" (label partially visible), "Tanqueray London Dry Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Darnley's Navy Strength - Spiced London Dry Gin", a bottle with unclear labeling, "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Moonshot Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM", "EDINBURGH GIN Raspberry Gin", several bottles with "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" labeling, "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Cherry Gin" (with pink label), "JAFFA CAKE GIN", bottles marked "DRINKS BY THE DRAM", "EDINBURGH GIN Rhubarb & Ginger", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Aviation Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Nordés Atlantic Galician Gin", "EDINBURGH GIN" (label partially visible), a bottle with unclear labeling, "EAST LONDON LIQUOR CO. Gin", and "DRINKS BY THE DRAM". Each bottle has a black screw cap and cream-coloured label. Behind the bottles are four framed photographs: on the left, an ornate dark wooden oval frame containing the 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl and woman in red; a light-coloured rectangular frame showing two people in formal dress in a garden; and a brown wooden frame with another photograph. On the far left is a tall decorative bottle with coloured horizontal stripes. Two white classical-style busts bookend the display on either side. Small decorative items are visible between some bottles. The scene is set against a cream or beige textured wall.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15 | Days 16 & 17 | Day 18 | Day 19 | Days 20 & 21

]]> Gin Advent Days 20 & 21: A Solo Session with Aviation Gin & a Ginger Powerhouse theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-days-20-and-21-a-solo-session-with-aviation-gin-and-a-ginger-powerhouse.html 2025-12-21T22:45:27+00:00 Right then. It’s a two-for-one special for Days 20 and 21 of… ]]> Photo: Two hands holding small glass bottles of gin against a soft, warm blurred background with peachy-pink tones. On the left, a bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden or pink-tinted liquid. The cream-coloured label displays the Edinburgh Gin logo at the top, followed by "Rhubarb & Ginger", a horizontal line, and "Gin" below. On the right, a bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden liquid. The cream-coloured label reads "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" at the top, followed by "Aviation Gin", a horizontal line, and "Gin" below. The background shows warm lighting with indistinct blurred shapes suggesting people and interior furnishings, with hints of purple visible.

Right then. It’s a two-for-one special for Days 20 and 21 of the Gin Advent Calendar, and I’m flying solo. MrsVark, after a heroic effort involving shopping, restaurants, and pubs, is officially "knackered". So it’s just you, me, and two little bottles of gin. Don’t tell my doctor.

Day 20: Aviation Gin

First up, the one Ryan Reynolds maybe has something to do with: Aviation Gin.

On the nose, it’s… quiet. Very quiet. It smells less like a gin and more like a vodka, to be honest. There’s not a whole lot of botanical aroma jumping out of the glass.

And the taste? Well, it’s clean. Very clean. It’s more straight alcohol, as I so verbosely put it on the video. It’s not a bad thing, not at all, but if you’re drinking it neat, it’s a bit one-dimensional. This is definitely a gin that’s designed to be a team player; it’ll let your tonic or your fancy mixer do all the talking.

Day 21: Edinburgh Gin Rhubarb & Ginger

After a quick palate cleanser (of Irish cream, naturally), we move on to Day 21: Edinburgh Gin’s Rhubarb & Ginger. We’ve had a rhubarb and ginger before, but this one hits different.

Whoa. The ginger in this is not messing about. It’s much, much stronger than the last one, with the rhubarb taking a bit of a back seat. It’s got a proper spicy kick to it, which I like.

Now, I’m [legally obliged - I think a lawyer might tell me] to tell you that none of these drams are designed to be necked straight from the bottle. But if you were going to do that (and you shouldn’t), this one might be a new favourite. That warm ginger finish is just the ticket.

The Verdict

A tale of two very different gins. Aviation is the quiet, unassuming one that will happily blend into the background at a party. The Edinburgh Rhubarb & Ginger is the one that kicks the door down and starts a conga line.

Two more days down. See you tomorrow. Maybe MrsVark will have recovered by then.

The Running Tally

  • Number of gins so far: 21
  • Number of gins we’d actually buy: 20
  • Success Rate: 95.2%

You can follow the whole series and catch up on any days you've missed right here.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15 | Days 16 & 17 | Day 18 | Day 19

 

 

 

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 19: North Uist Downpour Gin theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-19-north-uist-downpour-gin.html 2025-12-19T21:39:35+00:00 Well, here we are again. Day 19. The end is nigh, and… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin in sharp focus towards the camera against a warm, softly blurred background. The bottle has a black screw cap and a cream-coloured label reading "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" at the top, followed by "North Uist Downpour Gin", a horizontal line, and "Dry Gin" below. The bottle contains clear liquid. The background is deliberately out of focus, showing warm peachy-orange and purple tones with indistinct blurred shapes suggesting people and interior furnishings. Light bokeh is visible in the upper left corner.

Well, here we are again. Day 19. The end is nigh, and frankly, we're starting to wonder what we'll do with our evenings when this is all over. Probably something less demanding on the liver.

Tonight, we journeyed to a Scottish island (we think) with the North Uist Downpour Gin. It sounds dramatic, and as it turns out, it was.

Here's the video evidence of the near-combustion event.

Day 19: North Uist Downpour Gin

This one had a kick. A significant one. While the bottle says it's a standard 44% ABV, MrsVark thought it tastes like it could strip paint. Her face when she tasted it was a picture of pure, unadulterated shock, followed by the declaration that it was "pure ethanol" and something you could "breathe fire with". I, on the other hand (wearing my new lovely, ridiculously expensive Banana Republic top in a vain attempt to look like I know what I'm doing) quite enjoyed the citrus notes. Another evening, another domestic divided by gin.

Honestly, we're still not sure how we're getting away with this. Two people, a camera, and a box of tiny gins. It's the pinnacle of internet content, surely.

The Verdict:

  • theaardvark: A surprisingly pleasant, citrus-forward dry gin. A solid 8/10.
  • MrsVark: "Too strong for me." A grimace out of 10.

The Running Tally

  • Number of gins so far: 19
  • Number of gins we’d actually buy: 18
  • Success Rate: 94.7%

You can follow the whole series and catch up on any days you've missed right here.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15 | Days 16 & 17 | Day 18

 

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 18: A Near-Perfect Gin, and a Rant About FND theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-18-a-near-perfect-gin-and-a-rant-about-fnd.html 2025-12-18T23:18:14+00:00 It's Day 18 of the Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar,… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin towards the camera in sharp focus against a warm, softly blurred background. The bottle has a black screw cap and a cream-coloured label featuring a stylised tree illustration at the top, followed by "WHITLEY NEILL" in bold text with smaller text beneath reading "ESTABLISHED IN 1762 WIRRAL ESSEX", then "Rhubarb & Ginger" as the main descriptor, a horizontal line, and "Gin" at the bottom. The bottle contains pale golden or pink-tinted liquid. The background shows warm peachy-orange tones with soft focus, suggesting an interior setting with warm lighting. A hint of red is visible on the left edge, and indistinct blurred shapes suggest people in the background.

It's Day 18 of the Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar, and tonight we're tasting Whitley Neill's Rhubarb & Ginger Gin. This one is a firm favourite of MrsVark's, and it turns out to be a high scorer for me too, reminding me of my mum's rhubarb crumble. It's a rare moment of total agreement.

A Moment to Rage Against the Machine (The Faulty Neurological One)

Before we get to the verdict, let's address the elephant in the room. You will notice MrsVark is still recovering from fatigue and that her speech has the fluidity of a reversing dump truck with a flat tyre. It's Functional Neurological Disorder, FND, and it's a fucking pain in the arse.

It's a bastard thief, this thing. It doesn't just steal mobility; it takes the everyday act of communication. She knows what she wants to say – the words are there, lined up and ready to go – but FND breaks the link between thought and speech, causing a stammer that can be so bad the word doesn't start at all. It's one thing to be physically knackered, but it's another level of cruel to have your own thoughts held hostage by a faulty connection between brain and mouth.

So, if you'll permit me a moment of (not so) uncharacteristic rage, filtered through my usual layer of Britishness: FND can, with respect, fucking go and fucking do one, the fucking fuck fuckity fucker. Fuck. and shit.

Right, back to the gin. It's more interesting.

Day 18: Whitley Neill Rhubarb & Ginger Gin

Gin: Whitley Neill Rhubarb & Ginger Gin ABV: 43% Style: Flavoured Gin

This gin is a powerhouse. The rhubarb flavour is proper, authentic stuff – not synthetic sweet nonsense. It genuinely tastes like the rhubarb crumble my mum used to make, with a nice kick of ginger to finish it off. It's smooth, it's flavourful, and it's actually drinkable neat. MrsVark was right about this one.

The Verdict: A massive 9.5/10. This is right up there with the best of the calendar so far. An absolute triumph.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly approved – 8/10
  • Day 13 (The Lakes Classic Gin): Perfectly acceptable – 7/10
  • Day 14 (Jaffa Cake Gin): Better than expected – 8/10
  • Day 15 (That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin): A clear winner – 6/10
  • Day 16 (Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin): Does what it says on the tin - 7/10
  • Day 17 (Roku Gin): Competent and professional - 6/10
  • Day 18 (Whitley Neill Rhubarb & Ginger): Near-perfect - 9.5/10

Success Rate: 94.4% (17 successes, 1 miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15 | Days 16 & 17

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Days 16 & 17: In Which I Introduce My New Assistant, Glenda theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-days-16-and-17-in-which-i-introduce-my-new-assistant-glenda.html 2025-12-17T23:51:00+00:00 MrsVark is recuperating (I think the cherry gin may have pushed her… ]]> Photo: Two hands holding small glass bottles of gin against a soft, warm blurred background. On the left, a bottle with a black screw cap containing amber or golden-brown liquid. The cream-coloured label reads "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY" at the top, followed by "Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin" and "Gin" below. On the right, a slightly larger bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden liquid. The cream-coloured label features a simple illustration of a Japanese-style design or character at the top, with "ROKU GIN" text and "Gin" below. The background shows soft focus with warm peachy tones and hints of purple, suggesting people and warm interior lighting.

MrsVark is recuperating (I think the cherry gin may have pushed her over the edge). Glenn the mannequin is apparently too busy writing Christmas cards. So for Days 16 and 17 of the Gin Advent Calendar, I'm joined by another member of our household: Glenda. Glenda is a professional. She's also a former colleague at the retail firm I work for, who we took in when her store closed. To make herself presentable for tonight’s recording, she borrowed what she tells me are MrsVark's nipple tassels. I haven't actually asked MrsVark if they're hers, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to know the answer. The important thing is that Glenda brings a certain je ne sais quoi to the proceedings. Mainly because she doesn't interrupt, doesn't disagree with my tasting notes, and has magnificent posture.

Day 16: That Boutique-y Gin Company's Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin

I'll be honest, when I saw "Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin" on the label, I had concerns. It sounds like something you'd witness at a very specific type of establishment. But credit where it's due: this gin actually tastes like burnt pineapple. Not in a "we've cocked this up" way, but in a "we've deliberately caramelised this tropical fruit" way. It's sweet, it's got that charred edge, and it's surprisingly drinkable. Would I drink it neat? Probably not. But then, I’m not sure I’d drink any of these gins neat if I hadn’t made it part of the schtick as the start of this marathon gin tasting. Would I use it in a cocktail? Absolutely. Would I serve it at a party where Glenda was also in attendance? Well, that depends on the party, doesn't it?

The Verdict: 7/10. A solid effort that does exactly what it says on the tin. Or bottle. You know what I mean.

Day 17: Roku Gin

After the pineapple adventure, we moved on to Roku Gin, which is a Japanese gin that's been knocking about for a while. It's made with six Japanese botanicals, which sounds impressive until you realise that most gins have about a dozen botanicals anyway. It's a perfectly decent gin. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing particularly exciting about it either. It's the sort of gin you'd serve that’s just diferent enough from London Dry Gin to be noticeable and make you look cultrued, but not so different your guests won’t like it. Glenda seemed to approve, though to be fair, she approves of everything. That's what I like about her.

The Verdict: 6/10. Competent, professional, gets the job done. A bit like Glenda, really.

A Brief Interlude About Days 14 & 15

While we're here, I should mention that only eight people have watched the Days 14 & 15 video so far. Eight. That's fewer people than we have mannequins... well, actually, it's not fewer than two, is it? But Glenda assures me the maths works out, and I'm not about to argue with someone wearing nipple tassels; they’re too distracting.

If you haven't caught up yet, Days 14 & 15 featured Jaffa Cake Gin and That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin. One was excellent, one was… well, MrsVark’s FND had robbed her of her speech, but she managed to convey her thoughts on one of them quite adequately. It's a shame hardly anyone has seen this moment. It's the highlight of the series so far. Go and watch it. Make it nine views. Be a hero.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10 ✓
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10 ✗
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10 ✓
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10 ✓
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10 ✓
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10 ✓
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10 ✓
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10 ✓
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10 ✓
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10 ✓
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10 ✓
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly approved – 8/10 ✓
  • Day 13 (The Lakes Classic Gin): Perfectly acceptable – 7/10 ✓
  • Day 14 (Jaffa Cake Gin): Better than expected – 8/10 ✓
  • Day 15 (That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin): A clear winner – 6/10 ✓
  • Day 16 (Spit-Roasted Pineapple Gin): Does what it says on the tin - 8/10 ✓
  • Day 17 (Roku Gin): Competent and professional - 6/10 ✓

We're now 17 days into this experiment, and we've managed a 94% success rate - 16 gins scoring 6/10 or above, with only one disappointment so far. Either we’re easy to please, or this year's calendar is genuinely decent.

Glenda thinks it's because I'm a sophisticated connoisseur with a refined palate. I think it's because I'm necking neat drinking gin every night and my standards, like my liver, are gradually eroding. We've agreed to disagree.

What's Next?

We're past the halfway point now, which means we're in the home stretch. Will MrsVark return? Will Glenn come back from his Christmas card marathon? Will Glenda become a permanent fixture? Tune in tomorrow to find out. Or don't. Glenda and I will carry on regardless.

Have you tried either of these gins? Got thoughts on Glenda's debut? Leave a comment over on the YouTube video. She needs the validation. Not me though. I’m just fine shouting this stuff into the void. I don’t need no-one to tell me they found it entertaining. It’d be nice though……

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Days 14 & 15

 

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Days 14 & 15: A Flavoured Gin Catch-Up theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-days-14-and-15-a-flavoured-gin-catch-up.html 2025-12-16T11:07:15+00:00 We've fallen behind again. Fatigue after a busy but enjoyable Saturday meant… ]]> Photo: Two hands holding small glass bottles of gin against a soft, warm peachy-pink blurred background. On the left, a bottle with a black screw cap containing dark reddish-brown liquid. The label features a pink and purple gradient background with "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY" text at the top, an illustration of a red cherry and dark berries below, and "CHERRY GIN" text. A small yellow badge showing "WORLD GIN AWARDS" is visible on the label. On the right, a bottle with a black screw cap containing pale golden liquid. The label is cream-coloured with simple black text reading "JAFFA CAKE GIN" followed by a horizontal line and "Gin" below. The background shows warm lighting and indistinct soft shapes suggesting an interior setting.

We've fallen behind again. Fatigue after a busy but enjoyable Saturday meant Sunday was a rest day. So, we had to tackle two gins in one sitting to get back on schedule.

You might notice MrsVark’s speech is a little affected in this video (as in, it completely left her just as we started recording); this was due to her FND and the tiredness, but she was determined to get the tasting done.

So, for this session, we have a double-header of flavoured gins: Jaffa Cake Gin and the award-winning Cherry Gin from That Boutique-y Gin Company.

Watch the video to see our reactions:

Day 14: Jaffa Cake Gin

Gin: Jaffa Cake Gin ABV: 42% Style: Flavoured Gin

The flavour in this one is more subtle than I was expecting. I thought a gin named after Jaffa Cakes would be overwhelmingly sweet, but the orange and chocolate notes were more restrained than anticipated. A pleasant, if not mind-blowing, novelty. Verdict: 8/10 – Better than expected. A solid, drinkable flavoured gin.

Day 15: That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin

Gin: That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin ABV: 46% Style: Flavoured Gin

This one divided the house. For me, the cherry flavour was rich and enjoyable, almost treacly, while MrsVark was... less convinced. It's certainly well-made, but the flavour profile isn't for everyone.
Verdict: 6/10 – A controversial one. You'll either love it or you won't.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly approved – 8/10
  • Day 13 (The Lakes Classic Gin): Perfectly acceptable – 7/10
  • Day 14 (Jaffa Cake Gin): Better than expected – 8/10
  • Day 15 (That Boutique-y Gin Company Cherry Gin): A clear winner – 6/10

Success Rate: 93.3% (fourteen successes, one miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13

Photo: Fifteen empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, flanked by white decorative busts and framed photographs. From left to right, the bottles read: "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Sipsmith Raffles 1915 Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin", "Tanqueray London Dry Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Darnley's Navy Strength - Spiced London Dry Gin", "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Moonshot Gin", "EDINBURGH GIN Raspberry Gin", "Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale Gin", "Bathtub Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Boatyard Sloe Boat Sloe Gin", "HENDRICK'S GIN Grand Cabaret Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Greater Than Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Caorunn Scottish Raspberry Gin", "THE LAKES DISTILLERY Classic Gin", "JAFFA CAKE GIN", and what appears to be "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Cherry Gin" with a pink label. Each bottle has a black screw cap. Behind the bottles are four framed photographs: the ornate dark wooden oval frame containing the 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl and woman in red, a light-coloured rectangular frame showing two people in formal dress in a garden, a brown wooden frame with another photograph, and additional family photos. On the far left is a tall decorative bottle with coloured horizontal stripes. Two white classical-style busts bookend the display. The scene is set against a cream or beige textured wall.Claude is AI and can make mistakes. Please double-check responses.
]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 13: The Post-Party Gin theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-13-the-post-party-gin.html 2025-12-14T00:15:28+00:00 We've been out at a party. This means we are tired, slightly… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin in sharp focus against a soft, blurred background with warm peachy-pink tones. The bottle has a black screw cap and a pale mint green or cream-coloured label with "THE LAKES DISTILLERY" logo at the top in a cloud-like decorative border, followed by "Classic Gin" and "Gin" below. The bottle contains pale golden liquid. The background is deliberately out of focus, showing warm lighting and indistinct shapes suggesting people and interior furnishings.

We've been out at a party. This means we are tired, slightly dishevelled, and in no mood for any nonsense. The last thing we need is a challenging or, heaven forbid, another disappointing gin. For Day 13, unlucky for some, the advent calendar has decided to serve up The Lakes Classic Gin.

A classic gin feels like a safe bet. It's the gin equivalent of putting on a comfortable pair of slippers after a long night in shoes that were a bad idea from the start.

Watch the video:

Day 13: The Lakes Classic Gin

Gin: The Lakes Classic Gin ABV: 46% Style: London Dry Gin

The tasting was a brief, low-energy affair. The verdict? It's a gin. A perfectly acceptable, standard-issue gin. MrsVark noted it was "quite soft" and "much nicer with tonic," which is probably the most ringing endorsement you can give to a gin when you're exhausted. It's not harsh, it does the job, but it didn't have the "lush" quality of yesterday's triumph [5].

Sometimes, though, "perfectly acceptable" is exactly what's required. It's a reliable, unremarkable gin for an unreliable, unremarkable end to the evening.

Verdict: 7/10 – A solid, if unexciting, classic. Does what it says on the tin.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly approved – 8/10
  • Day 13 (The Lakes Classic Gin): Perfectly acceptable – 7/10

Success Rate: 92.3% (twelve good, one miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11 | Day 12

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 12: We're A Bit Drunk For This One theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-12-were-a-bit-drunk-for-this-one.html 2025-12-12T23:58:00+00:00 Right. Let's be honest. We've been out. We went to some local… ]]> focus against a warm, softly blurred background. The bottle has a black screw cap and a cream-coloured label reading "DRINKS BY THE DRAM" at the top, followed by "Caorunn Scottish Raspberry" and "Gin" below. The bottle contains pale pink or rose-tinted liquid. The background is deliberately out of focus, showing warm yellow and orange lighting, with a teal-coloured cushion visible on the left and indistinct figures in the centre-right. Warm string lights create bokeh effects in the background.

Right. Let's be honest. We've been out. We went to some local musical theatre, we had a few drinks, and now we're home and, frankly, several sheets to the wind. It's Day 12 of the Gin Advent Calendar, we're nearly halfway through, and our critical faculties are... compromised.

This is either the best or the worst state to be in for a gin tasting. On one hand, everything might taste amazing. On the other hand, we might just be a pair of giggling wrecks. Spoilers: it was mostly the latter.

Watch the video (if you can stand the giddiness):

Day 12: Caorunn Scottish Raspberry Gin

Gin: Caorunn Scottish Raspberry ABV: 41.8% Style: Flavoured Gin

Tonight's gin is Caorunn Scottish Raspberry. It's pink, which is always a cheerful start. After a few interesting gins, this one landed on a very receptive palate. MrsVark, in a moment of pure, unadulterated joy, declared it "the best one I've tasted" so far. High praise indeed.

It's a proper raspberry gin, fruity without tasting like a melted sweet. It's smooth, dangerously easy to drink, and was exactly what was needed for two slightly tipsy people to round off their evening.

We also took a moment to reflect on our YouTube strategy. Glenn the mannequin's advice to ask for 'likes' was a complete bust. So, we're pivoting. From now on, we're actively discouraging it. Please, whatever you do, do not like the video.

Verdict: An unexpected triumph. In our merry state, this was perfection. Even with a sober head, it's a top-tier flavoured gin. 9.5/10.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10
  • Day 12 (Caorunn Scottish Raspberry): Drunkenly brilliant – 9.5/10

Success Rate: 91.6% (eleven successes, one miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10 | Day 11

]]> Pickled Onion Review #14: Dr Burnorium's Ghost Pepper Psycho Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-14-dr-burnoriums-ghost-pepper-psycho-onions.html 2025-12-11T23:06:51+00:00 A month ago, my good friends Jay and Claire, who are either… ]]> Photo: Glass jar of Dr. Burnorium's Extraordinary Psycho Onions Ghost Pepper Naga pickled onions on a red background. The label features a cartoon skull wearing a top hat with a manic grin, and red text on black. The jar contains pale onions in vinegar with a silver twist-off lid.

A month ago, my good friends Jay and Claire, who are either very generous or have a sadistic streak, gave me a jar of Dr Burnorium's Ghost Pepper Psycho Onions.

The label features Dr Burnorium - a grinning skull in a top hat, which should be sufficient warning. It also carries the ominous tagline, "Serious Pickles for Serious Chilli heads". This is not an idle threat.

These are not for the casual pickled onion connoisseur. They are, as advertised, for the serious chilli fan. The heat, courtesy of the multiple Naga Jolokia Ghost Pepper Chillies floating menacingly in the vinegar, is as violent as you'd expect.

Back on the 15th of November, I recorded a video on Minehead beach, unjaring them for the first time. The initial bite was so potent that it made me hiccup. In the month since that bracing seaside experience, I have managed to consume a grand total of three onions. They are, to put it mildly, potent.

Despite the aggressive heat, the onions themselves aren't bad. They've retained a decent crunch, a quality often sacrificed in the pursuit of extreme pickling. I've seen some chatter online suggesting they can be soft, but the jar I have has held up well.

The ingredients are straightforward: Onions, Naga Jolokia, Water, Acetic Acid, Spirit Vinegar, Flavouring. As regular readers will know, I’d prefer Malt Vinegar without the added acetic acid, but in this case... you won’t bloody notice the vinegar, mate. The label proudly declares a "Heat Level 10+ XXX HOT", and for once, this is not marketing hyperbole.

Photo: Ingredients and nutritional information panel showing "Heat Level 10+ XXX HOT." Lists ingredients as Onions, Naga Jolokia, Water, Acetic Acid, Spirit Vinegar, Flavouring. Includes standard nutritional values per 100g, storage instructions, and barcode. Website psychojuice.com visible.

The Verdict

If it’s pickled onions you’re after, these are a novelty, but a well-executed one. They deliver exactly the brutal, hiccup-inducing heat they promise, while still managing to be a decent pickled onion underneath. They're a bit hotter than my personal taste, but I can't fault their honesty. If you like your food to fight back, you'll probably love these.

3.5 onions out of 5.
🧅🧅🧅🌗❌

Photo: Close-up of jar label showing humorous warning text in white on black background. Header reads 'Serious Pickles for Serious Chilli heads' with skull and crossbones. Eight warning points include 'The longer you leave 'em the hotter they get,' 'You may experience pain. Do not panic,' and 'Just quit your whining and have another damn pickle.' Dr. Burnorium Twitter handle visible at bottom.
Photo: White plate with two items - a pale pickled onion on a fork on the left showing visible onion rings, and a wrinkled dark red ghost pepper on the right. Behind them, the Psycho Onions jar and a pink bottle of Pepto Bismol stomach relief medicine. The compositional joke is clear.
]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 11: A Genuine Contender theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-11-a-genuine-contender.html 2025-12-11T21:31:26+00:00 After a run of gins that have been divisive, questionable, or simply… ]]> A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin towards the camera in sharp focus against a warm, softly lit background. The bottle has a black wax sealed screw cap and a cream-coloured label reading "HENDRICK'S GIN" in large text at the top, with "DISTILLED AND BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND" in smaller text above, followed by "Grand Cabaret" and "Gin" below. The bottle contains pale golden liquid. The background is deliberately blurred, showing warm amber and yellow lighting from string bulbs, with indistinct figures and pink fabric visible. The overall lighting creates a cosy, intimate atmosphere.

After a run of gins that have been divisive, questionable, or simply required fortification to get through, Day 11 brought something unexpected: universal approval. Today, we tried Hendrick's Grand Cabaret, and it's safe to say the £75 investment is starting to feel very worthwhile.

Both MrsVark and I were genuinely impressed. It's a rare moment of harmony in this Advent calendar journey, and a welcome one.

Watch the video:

Day 11: Hendrick's Grand Cabaret Gin

Gin: Hendrick's Grand Cabaret
ABV: 43.4%
Style: Distilled Gin

Hendrick's is a well-known name, but this "Grand Cabaret" edition is new to us. The internet tells me it promises a "decadent and theatrical" experience inspired by 17th-century Parisian fruit-based drinks; which, naturally, is exactly what every middle-aged British bloke looks for in his gin. It's certainly fruity and botanical with a distinct liquorice note, and a far cry from some of the more... character-building spirits we've experienced.

It's complex without being overpowering, with a smoothness that makes it dangerously drinkable neat. MrsVark was so taken with it that she was willing to risk a delicate stomach for a second taste, which is about the highest praise you can get.

Verdict: This joins the top tier of gins from the calendar so far. It's another one we've both agreed we would actually go out and buy a full bottle of. A clear winner. 9/10.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10
  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10
  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10
  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10
  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10
  • Day 11 (Hendrick's Grand Cabaret): A resounding success – 9/10

Success Rate: 90.9% (ten successes, one miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9 | Day 10

Ten empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, flanked by two white decorative busts. From left to right, the bottles read: "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Sipsmith Raffles 1915 Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin", "Tanqueray London Dry Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Darnley's Navy Strength - Spiced London Dry Gin", "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Moonshot Gin London Dry Gin", "EDINBURGH GIN Raspberry Gin", "Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale Gin", "Bathtub Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Boatyard Sloe Boat Sloe Gin", and "HENDRICK'S GIN Grand Cabaret Gin". Each bottle has a black screw cap and cream-coloured label. Behind the bottles are three framed photographs: on the left, an ornate dark wooden oval frame containing the 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl with a crown and a woman in a wide-brimmed hat, both wearing red; in the centre-right, a light blue rectangular frame showing two people in formal dress in a garden setting, one wearing a burgundy ball gown. The two white ceramic looking busts on either end of the display depict classical-style female figures, both giving the middle finger salute. The scene is set against a cream textured wall.
]]> Gin Advent Calendar: Day 10 – My Mannequin Gives Me Sales Advice theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-10-my-mannequin-gives-me-sales-advice.html 2025-12-10T23:28:53+00:00 MrsVark is back on deck, but my new work colleague, Glenn the… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle photographed held in from of teh face of a mannequin. The bottle has a black wax sealed screw cap and a cream-coloured label reading "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Greater Than Gin London Dry Gin". The hand wearing multiple silver rings including a wide band is visible at the top of the frame, along with various bracelets including braided leather and metal chains. A rainbow-striped tie and a black jacket are visible behind the bottle.

MrsVark is back on deck, but my new work colleague, Glenn the mannequin, is still hanging around. He's now offering unsolicited sales advice, I assume he's learned from watching too many YouTube videos over my shoulder. His key insight? I need to explicitly ask people to "like and subscribe". Ground-breaking stuff. So, consider that box ticked. I'm sure the algorithm will be thrilled.

After the highs and lows of the last few days, we're back to a straightforward London Dry Gin. Let's see if it lives up to its name, or whether it's another case of branding optimism.

Watch the video:

Day 10: Greater Than Gin

Gin: Greater Than Gin
ABV: 42.8%
Style: London Dry Gin

Today's gin is "Greater Than Gin", a London Dry from India. It's a classic style, which after the recent rollercoaster of flavoured and navy strength gins, feels like a safe harbour. MrsVark is back but not drinking, so the tasting duties fall to me, with a pickled onion for moral support. As one does.

The gin itself is... fine. It's a perfectly competent London Dry. There's juniper, a bit of citrus – it does exactly what it says on the tin. It's not going to set the world on fire, but it's not going to make you question your life choices either. It's solid, dependable. The kind of thing you'd give your parents for Christmasf. Is it "greater than" other gins? That's debatable, but it's certainly not worse. Though naming yourself "Greater Than" does set expectations that "Perfectly Adequate" might have managed more comfortably.

Verdict: 7/10 – A respectable, if unremarkable, London Dry. Greater than some things, certainly. Greater than most? Jury's out.

Speaking of setting things on fire, I rounded off the tasting with one of Dr. Burnörium's Ghost Chilli Pickled Onions. These are not your average cocktail garnish. They're genuinely hot – the sort of heat that punches you in the mouth and then hangs around to keep kicking you in the head. The gin didn't stand a chance against them, frankly. If you're after a challenge with your G&T, these will certainly provide it.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10

  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10

  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10

  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10

  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10

  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10

  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Solidly mid-range – 6/10

  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10

  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): A triumph – 9/10

  • Day 10 (Greater Than Gin): Solidly average – 7/10

Success Rate: 90% (nine good, one miss)

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Days 7, 8 & 9

]]> Gin Advent Calendar: A Three-Day Catch-Up (Days 7, 8 & 9) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-a-three-day-catch-up-days-7-8-and-9.html 2025-12-09T23:53:00+00:00 After a brief, illness-induced hiatus, we're back. And we're behind. To get… ]]> Photo: Close-up of three small glass bottles of gin with black screw caps arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface. From left to right: a bottle with a cream-coloured label reading "Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale Gin" containing pink-tinted liquid, a bottle with a handwritten-style label reading "Bathtub Gin 43.3% ALC/VOL" containing clear liquid, and a bottle with a label reading "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Boatyard Sloe Boat Sloe Gin" containing reddish-brown liquid. In the soft-focus background, parts of framed photographs are visible, including what appears to be a burgundy ball gown. The bottles sit on a wooden surface.

After a brief, illness-induced hiatus, we're back. And we're behind. To get back on track with the Gin Advent Calendar, we tackled two days in one go. Tech issues mean I’m a day late getting this one uploaded. Then, MrsVark was out of action again, so I was joined by a new, rather quiet, colleague for Day 9.

It’s a session of highs, lows, and... mannequins.

Days 7 & 8: The Catch-Up

Watch the video:

Day 7: Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale

Gin: Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale
ABV: 41.3%
Style: Flavoured Gin

First up was a vibrant, purple-hued gin from Tanqueray. On paper, a blackcurrant gin sounds perfectly pleasant. In practice, it didn't quite agree with MrsVark's tasting technique. Let's just say inhaling gin vapour is not a recommended approach and the experience was almost cut short. I found it a touch too sweet, reminiscent of a melted ice lolly, but not bad. This was more like a gin liquer than a straight gin. Maybe one for the cocktails.

Verdict: 6/10 – One for those who enjoy their gin with a side of Ribena.

Day 8: Bathtub Gin

Gin: Bathtub Gin (Ableforth's)
ABV: 43.3%
Style: Cold Compounded Gin

Thankfully, Day 8 brought a return to form. Bathtub Gin is a modern classic. It's a 'cold compounded' gin, meaning the botanicals are infused after distillation, which gives it a more pronounced flavour profile. MrsVark was a fan immediately, and rightly so. It's a proper gin, with a bold, clean flavour. Exactly what was needed to restore faith in the calendar.

Verdict: 9/10 – A resounding success.

Day 9: A New Co-Host

MrsVark was out of action again for Day 9, so I was joined by my work colleague, Glenn. He's a man of few words and can't hold his booze, but he's good company.

Watch the video:

Day 9: Boatyard Sloe Gin

Gin: Boatyard Sloe Gin
ABV: 30% (Assumed, typical for sloe gin)
Style: Sloe Gin

I'm a big fan of sloe gin, but this one had a high bar to clear: my dad's homemade version. This was a good effort. It's not quite Grandpa Taylor's, but it's a very pleasant, drinkable sloe gin that I could happily buy a bottle of. A definite win.

Verdict: 8/10 – Not quite the best, but very good indeed.

Photo: Nine empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, displayed in front of two framed photographs. Each bottle has a black screw cap and cream-coloured label. From left to right, the labels read: "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Sipsmith Raffles 1915 Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin", "Tanqueray London Dry Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Darnley's Navy Strength - Spiced London Dry Gin", "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Moonshot Gin London Dry Gin", "EDINBURGH GIN Raspberry Gin", "Tanqueray Blackcurrant Royale Gin", "Bathtub Gin 43.3% ALC/VOL", and "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Boatyard Sloe Boat Sloe Gin". Behind the bottles on the left sits an ornate dark wooden frame containing a 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl with a small crown and a woman wearing a wide-brimmed hat, both in red tops. To the right is a light blue frame containing a photograph of two people in formal dress - one wearing a burgundy ball gown and the other in dark formal wear - standing in a garden with lattice fencing and foliage behind them. The scene is set against a textured cream wall.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10

  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10

  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10

  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10

  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10

  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10

  • Day 7 (Tanqueray Blackcurrant): Cocktail ingredient – 6/10

  • Day 8 (Bathtub Gin): Excellent – 9/10

  • Day 9 (Boatyard Sloe Gin): Very good indeed - 8/10

Success Rate: 85% (six good, one average, one miss)

We're back on schedule, and morale has been restored. Let's see what Day 10 brings.

]]> Gin Advent Calendar 2025: Day 6 – Edinburgh Gin Raspberry theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-2025-day-6-edinburgh-gin-raspberry.html 2025-12-06T21:46:24+00:00 Day 6, and thanks to the wonders of caffeinated beverages, MrsVark and… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of Edinburgh Gin towards the camera in sharp focus. The bottle contains red liquid and has a black wax sealed cap. The cream-coloured label displays the Edinburgh Gin logo at the top, followed by "Raspberry" and "Gin" in black text. Behind the bottle, slightly out of focus, a bald man wearing black-framed glasses sits in a bedroom setting. The grey wall features a white-framed artwork showing colourful butterflies in the upper left, and a Leopold Museum poster showing Gustav Klimt artwork on the right. A grey fabric headboard and white bedding are visible, along with a woman in a black floral top partially visible to the left.

Day 6, and thanks to the wonders of caffeinated beverages, MrsVark and I are both upright and ready to go. Morale is surprisingly high, and today we're faced with a not unpleasantly red gin.

Watch the video to see the tasting:

What's in the Box?

Gin: Edinburgh Gin Raspberry
ABV: 40%
Volume: 30ml
Distillery: Edinburgh Gin, Scotland
Style: Flavoured Gin

The Great Raspberry Debate

Today's offering is from Edinburgh Gin, a distillery with its main operations located beneath a hotel in Edinburgh's West End. It's impressively red, which is a promising start. The main point of contention, however, was whether it actually tastes of raspberry.

MrsVark, being sensible, opted for the “I’m not a barbarian” route, mixed hers with tonic and was convinced. I, nicking it neat like a lout at his first work's Christmas party, was not.

Edinburgh Gin makes a point of using 100% natural flavours, which might explain why it doesn't taste like a raspberry Fruit Pastille. Real fruit, I guess, is as complex as the plot lines in Lost (not that we ever watched it).

The Verdict: This one divided the house, because taste is famously objective. MrsVark thought it was lovely; I thought it was just... okay. It's certainly drinkable, and the colour is cheerful, but the raspberry flavour wasn't as pronounced as I'd expected, when drinking it neat. It seems this one is probably best enjoyed with a mixer.

Given the disagreement, we'll have to average out our scores. 7.5/10.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10
  • Day 6 (Edinburgh Raspberry): A house divided – 7.5/10

Success Rate: 83% (five good, one spectacular miss)

Photo: Six empty small glass bottles of gin arranged in a row on a dark wooden surface, displayed in front of a framed photograph. Each bottle has a black screw cap and cream-coloured label. From left to right, the labels read: "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Sipsmith Raffles 1915 Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin", "Tanqueray London Dry Gin", "DRINKS BY THE DRAM Darnley's Navy Strength - Spiced London Dry Gin", "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY Moonshot Gin London Dry Gin", and "EDINBURGH GIN Raspberry Gin". Behind the bottles sits an ornate dark wooden frame with decorative carved corners containing a 25-year-old photograph of an 8-year-old girl wearing a small crown and red dress standing next to a woman wearing a wide-brimmed hat and red top. The scene is set against a textured cream or beige wall, with part of a dark electronic device visible on the right edge.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar

Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

]]> Gin Advent Calendar 2025: Day 5 – Moonshot Gin (Or: A Low-Energy Whinge Day) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-2025-day-5-moonshot-gin-or-a-low-energy-whinge-day.html 2025-12-05T22:58:00+00:00 Date: 5th December 2025 I know I've said this for the last… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin in sharp focus towards the camera, with a blurred background showing a person. The bottle has a black screw cap and a cream-coloured label reading "THAT BOUTIQUE-Y GIN COMPANY" at the top, followed by "Moonshot Gin" and "London Dry Gin" below. The clear liquid is visible inside the bottle. The person holding it is out of focus but appears to be wearing something pink or peach-coloured. In the soft-focus background, hints of a room with various colours including purple and yellow are visible.

Date: 5th December 2025

I know I've said this for the last couple of videos, but the video and this post are going to be quick. My Long Covid fatigue has flared up, and I've spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself. To make matters worse, MrsVark is still stuck in bed with her own flare-up, so morale is… suboptimal.

This was supposed to be a gin a day series, but it's rapidly turning into a whinge a day. Still, the calendar waits for no person, or couple.

Watch the video (if you can stand the enthusiasm):

What's in the Box?

Gin: That Boutique-y Gin Company's Moonshot Gin
ABV: 46.6%
Volume: 30ml
Distillery: That Boutique-y Gin Company
Style: London Dry Gin

The Review

My lack of enthusiasm on the video is palpable, but that's more a reflection of being utterly drained by fatigue than a comment on the gin itself.

The gin is half decent, which - in British English - is a glowing compliment. It's a London Dry, and it tastes like one. My non-connoisseur palate struggles to tell the difference between this and a standard Gordon's, but that could be because I'm necking it in one go for entertainment value, which I’m pretty sure in not the appropriate tasting method.

It's definitely gin. There's no question about that.

The Verdict: It's fine. It does the job. It doesn't taste like cleaning fluid, which is a significant victory after Day 2. Given the circumstances, "fine" is a win. I'm off to go and drown my sorrows and hopefully drink myself to good health (that totally works, right?) 7/10.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10<
  • Day 5 (Moonshot Gin): A low-energy but decent gin – 7/10

Success Rate: 80% (four good, one spectacular miss)

We're five days in, and the calendar is holding up surprisingly well, unlike out health.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar, £75 for 25 drams.
Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4

]]> Gin Advent Calendar 2025: Day 4 – Darnley's Navy Strength (Or: Fortifying Myself for the Evening's Casework) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-2025-day-4-darnleys-navy-strength-or-fortifying-myself-for-the-evenings-casework.html 2025-12-04T23:52:00+00:00 Date: 4th December 2024 MrsVark remains poorly, which means I'm conducting another… ]]> Photo: A bald man with black-framed glasses and a long ginger and purple ombre beard sits facing the camera in a home office. He's wearing a pale pink hoodie with black text reading "you are enough" across the chest. His expression appears mid-speech. Behind him is a busy pegboard wall covered with framed posters including a Moseley Folk Festival 2015 lineup poster featuring acts like Teenage Fanclub and Nick Mulvey, various artwork, and colourful decorations. To the left, a computer monitor displays a purple screen with a cartoon character. A wooden desk with items on it sits beneath the pegboard. To the right is a bright blue painted door with a brass handle, and a large yellow rubber duck sits on a shelf nearby. The office has an eclectic, creative atmosphere with multiple colours and decorative elements throughout.

Date: 4th December 2024

MrsVark remains poorly, which means I'm conducting another solo tasting. This would be fine, except today's offering is Darnley's Navy Strength Spiced Gin at a frankly alarming 57.1% ABV.

For context, it's 10pm, I have two to three hours of admin and email still to complete, and my priority inbox is literally written on my hand. This may not have been my finest decision.

Watch the video:

What's in the Box?

  • Gin: Darnley's Navy Strength Spiced London Dry Gin
  • ABV: 57.1% (which is basically drinking hand sanitiser)
  • Volume: 30ml
  • Distillery: Wemyss Family Spirits, Scotland
  • Style: Navy Strength, allegedly "spiced"

Navy Strength gin has a specific definition, so the internet tells me – it must be at least 57% ABV, which was historically the strength at which gunpowder would still ignite if soaked in the spirit. This was important on Royal Navy ships where gin and gunpowder were stored together. Whether this historical titbit makes drinking it at 10pm before a late-night work session more acceptable is debatable.

The Tasting

Appearance: Pale golden colour, which immediately sets it apart from yesterday's crystal-clear Tanqueray.

Nose: Surprisingly restrained for something this strong. There's definitely juniper there, but it's not aggressive. I was expecting more obvious "spice" given the name, but it's quite subtle – which is actually rather sophisticated.

Taste: This is a properly well-made gin. The juniper is front and centre, as it should be in a London Dry, with a warming spice element that builds gradually rather than hitting you over the head. There's a slight sweetness that balances the alcohol heat, and the finish is long and clean.

Now, I'm necking this neat and in one go, which is absolutely not how most sensible people would approach a 57.1% spirit. This is entertainment, not a masterclass in gin appreciation. If you were to sip this properly, or – heaven forbid – actually use it in a cocktail as intended, you'd get much more from it. A brief bit of internet research to make it sound like I know what I'm talking about tells me that the higher ABV means it stands up brilliantly in a G&T without being drowned by the tonic, and it would make an absolutely cracking Negroni.

The similarity to yesterday's Tanqueray isn't a criticism – both are classic London Dry gins done properly. The "spiced" element here is subtle rather than gimmicky, which I appreciate. This isn't trying to be a Christmas pudding in a bottle.

The Verdict: This is a quality gin that deserves better than being necked at 10pm before a late-night admin session. At 57.1%, it's designed to be diluted or mixed, where it would genuinely shine. The fact that it's still pleasant when drunk neat and far too quickly is actually a testament to how well-balanced it is. Would I buy a full bottle? Possibly, particularly for mixing. It's a serious gin for people who know what they're doing with spirits.

The Running Tally

  • Day 1 (Sipsmith's): Solid start – 8/10
  • Day 2 (Gordon's Lemon): Cleaning product disaster – 2/10
  • Day 3 (Tanqueray): Respectable recovery – 7/10
  • Day 4 (Darnley's Navy Strength): Quality gin, questionable timing – 7/10

Success Rate: 75% (three genuinely good, one spectacular miss)

We're now at the halfway point of the first week, and I'm pleased to report that the calendar has recovered from the Gordon's Lemon incident. Three out of four have been proper, well-made gins that would hold their own in any drinks cabinet.

Tomorrow is Day 5, and MrsVark assures me she'll be back for the tasting. Whether this improves or worsens the experience remains to be seen. At the very least, I won't be attempting council paperwork afterwards.

The Calendar: Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar, £75 for 12 drams

Previous days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3

 

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 3: A Review From Bed theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-3-a-review-from-bed.html 2025-12-03T23:56:25+00:00 3rd December 2024 Things have taken an (not so) unexpected turn. MrsVark… ]]> Photo: A bald man with black-framed glasses and a full purple beard holds a small glass bottle of Tanqueray London Dry Gin towards the camera. The bottle has a dark green cap and a cream-coloured label with gold lettering. His hands dominate the foreground, with gold-painted nails visible on one hand. Behind him, a woman with bright red hair wearing a black top with coral or pink floral patterns sits on a bed with a grey fabric headboard. The bedroom setting features a grey wall with a white-framed artwork showing colourful butterflies or flowers in the upper left, and a Leopold Museum poster on the right side.

3rd December 2024

Things have taken an (not so) unexpected turn.

MrsVark is down with a chronic fatigue / FND flare-up, which means she's spending the day horizontal and medicating with Pepto Bismol rather than gin. This leaves me in the unusual position of conducting today's review solo, from our bed, whilst she watches on like the designated driver on a hen night.

Not quite the festive experience I'd envisaged when I handed over £75.

Day 3: Tanqueray London Dry Gin

Today's offering is Tanqueray London Dry Gin, which is - and I'm aware of the irony here - one of MrsVark's favourite gins. She's genuinely gutted to be missing this one, though I suspect her disappointment is somewhat mitigated by not having to taste whatever horrors might still be lurking in the remaining nine drams.

After yesterday's lemon-sherbet cleaning product incident, a proper, classic London Dry feels like a return to sanity. Tanqueray is a serious gin. It's been around since 1830, it knows what it's doing, and it doesn't mess about trying to taste like a Fruit Pastille.

The tasting notes suggest juniper (obviously), coriander, angelica root, and liquorice. What I actually tasted was... gin. Proper gin. The sort of gin that reminds you why gin and tonic became a thing in the first place, rather than making you question your life choices.

It's smooth, it's balanced, and crucially, it doesn't smell like something you'd use to descale a kettle.

The Video

Here's the full review, complete with bedroom setting and MrsVark's cameo appearance as Invalid-in-Chief:

The Verdict So Far

Three days in, and we've had one excellent gin (Sipsmith), one chemical warfare incident (Gordon's Sicilian Lemon), and now one solid, dependable classic (Tanqueray).

That's a 67% success rate, which sounds reasonable until you remember this cost £75 and we've still got nine more to go. The law of averages suggests at least two more disasters are waiting in the wings.

On a positive note, Day 3 has renewed some belief. The question now is if that belief will hold up on Day 4.

Previous entries:<

#GinAdventCalendar #Tanqueray #GinReview #ChristmasSpirit 

]]> Gin Advent Calendar Day 2: An Unexpected Aroma theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gin-advent-calendar-day-2-an-unexpected-aroma.html 2025-12-03T02:44:40+00:00 Day two of the gin advent calendar arrived, and MrsVark managed to… ]]> Photo: A hand holding a small glass bottle of gin towards the camera, dominating the foreground. The bottle has a dark grey screw cap and a white label reading "DRINKS by the DRAM" with "Gordon's Sicilian Lemon" and "Gin" printed below. The pale golden liquid is visible inside. Behind the bottle, slightly out of focus, sits a woman with red hair wearing a black top and red apron on a grey sofa, smiling at the camera. A man in a white and blue sleeved shirt sits next to her, his hand extended holding the bottle. A red and black tartan blanket covers their laps. The familiar living room setting shows pale pink curtains, cream walls with framed photographs, and purple curtains visible to the right. A decorative sequined cushion sits on the sofa to the left.

Day two of the gin advent calendar arrived, and MrsVark managed to rip the door. Not an auspicious start.

Behind the mangled cardboard lurked Gordon's Sicilian Lemon Gin. A flavoured gin. This could go either way.

The moment we opened the bottle, reactions were... immediate. And specific. Very specific, in fact. Let's just say the tasting notes were not what you'd typically find on a distillery's website.

The question was whether it would taste as it smelled. There was only one way to find out.

I'll leave you to discover MrsVark's verdict for yourself, though I will say it involved household products and a certain level of concern about blowing bubbles.

Two days in, and the £75 investment is looking increasingly questionable. Will Day 3 redeem this advent calendar, or are we destined for 23 more days of regret?

Here's the video. You'll understand why I'm not giving too much away.

See you tomorrow for Day 3. Assuming we survive.

See Day 1

]]> I Bought a £75 box of Christmas Spirit. Was It a Mistake? theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/i-bought-a-ps75-box-of-christmas-spirit-was-it-a-mistake.html 2025-12-01T22:34:58+00:00 For those who follow my usual exploits, you'll know my channel is… ]]> Photo: Two people sitting on a sofa in a living room. On the left, a woman with bright red hair wearing a black top, smiling at the camera. On the right, a bald man with a purple beard wearing a black t-shirt with "GAP" printed on it, looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression. Behind them are pale pink curtains and a wall with framed photographs. In the foreground on the left is part of a decorative cushion with an animal print pattern.

For those who follow my usual exploits, you'll know my channel is typically reserved for the noble pursuit of pickled onions. However, with December upon us and MrsVark admitting she wasn't exactly brimming with Christmas spirit, I decided a change of pace was in order.

So, I bought a pile of Christmas spirit—literally. A gin a day until Christmas, courtesy of the Drinks by the Dram Gin Advent Calendar.

Naturally, I had to rope MrsVark into this nonsense.

Day one kicked off with a satisfying punch through the cardboard door, revealing a tiny, wax-sealed bottle. After a brief struggle with the wax, we unveiled our first tipple: Sipsmith's Raffles 1915 gin.

As for the verdict... well, it was certainly a gin. It was the first of 25, after all. Let's just say there's plenty of time for things to get more interesting. Or not. We'll see.
Here's the video of our inaugural tasting. See you tomorrow for day two.

]]> Review: Heinz Monster Munch Pickled Onion Mayo theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/review-heinz-monster-munch-pickled-onion-mayo.html 2025-11-30T21:09:38+00:00 Whatup, pickle fam!!! Today's review is not pickled onions, but pickled onion… ]]> Photo: An upside-down squeezy bottle of Heinz Monster Munch Pickled Onion Flavour Mayo on a wooden worktop. The bottle has a purple label with the distinctive Monster Munch mascot and cartoon bats. Behind it sits a blue "Drinks by the Dram" gift box, because apparently my kitchen has become a shrine to questionable flavour combinations. The mayo is pale yellow, which is either reassuring or deeply concerning depending on your relationship with pickled onions—and mine is clearly complicated.

Whatup, pickle fam!!! Today's review is not pickled onions, but pickled onion adjacent.

Mastodon is to blame for this. Someone mentioned Heinz Monster Munch Pickled Onion Mayo, and my morbid curiosity, a force more powerful than my own self-respect, took over. I've now tried it. And I'm as surprised as you are.

Let's be clear: this shouldn't work. The concept feels like it was cooked up in a marketing meeting that had gone on for far too long. But, against the odds, it does. The flavour is uncannily, nostalgically, the exact taste of Pickled Onion Monster Munch added to half-decent mayo. It's not an "interpretation" or a "hint of" – it's the real deal, somehow emulsified into a mayonnaise.

The result is a mayo with an extra, assertive vinegar kick. It's not the complex, malt vinegar tang of a proper pickled onion. Instead, it's the sharp, specific, and slightly artificial bite of the crisps it's mimicking. And in the appropriate context, it's brilliant.

That context, primarily, is anything greasy that needs a slap. It's perfect for cutting through a sausage sandwich, adding a vinegary sharpness that a standard mayonnaise just can't provide. It's a condiment designed for a specific, glorious purpose, and it fulfils that purpose admirably.

Is it a sophisticated, artisanal product? Absolutely not. It's a beige Vauxhall Viva in a squeezy bottle, but it's a surprisingly fun one to drive [1]. It's not an everyday onion replacement, but for that specific hit of Monster Munch nostalgia, it's spot on.

The Verdict

A very strong 4 out of 5. It does precisely what it says on the ̶t̶i̶n̶ jar, and it does it well. Just don't tell my cardiologist.

🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

]]> Pickled Onion Review #13: Bartons Pickled Onions & Bartons Silverskin Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-13-bartons-pickled-onions-and-bartons-silverskin-onions.html 2025-11-28T22:30:20+00:00 It’s been almost a month now. I'd tell you I’ve been really… ]]> Two glass jars of Bartons pickled onions on a wooden surface. Left jar has a beige label reading "Traditional Pickled Onions" containing pale brown onions. Right jar has a pale blue label reading "Crisp & Tangy Silverskin Onions" containing white onions. Both jars have gold lids and feature the Bartons "Choicest Picklers" logo. Colourful fabric visible in background.

It’s been almost a month now. I'd tell you I’ve been really busy, but that wouldn’t be true. I'll leave the details to your imaginations, but in summary my motivation decided to take an unexpected break, and I’ve had to push myself to tackle yet another jar of pickled onions.

But duty calls, and so I find myself back in the saddle, this time with two jars procured from the icy depths of... Iceland. Because when you think "quality", you naturally think of the place that sells frozen pizzas in packs of four.

Two forks extended over the opened jars, each holding pickled onions. Left fork holds two pale brown traditional pickled onions with visible root marks. Right fork holds three white silverskin onions. Colourful patterned fabric in background.

Bartons Traditional Pickled Onions

The jar makes a bold claim: "tangy" and "crunchy". A promise as reliable as a politician's....well, let's not resort to tired political clichés. We've all heard them and this politician's promises are always 100% guaranteed reliable.

To its credit, it's pickled in actual malt vinegar, which automatically elevates it above the chemical bathwater some brands favour. But that, I'm afraid, is where the commendations end.

The "crunch" is a lie. The outer layers have the structural integrity of a wet paper bag, suggesting the onions were boiled into submission long before they saw the inside of a jar. You bite down expecting a satisfying crack and are met with a squish. It's the textural equivalent of a disappointed sigh. At £1.25, at least you're not investing heavily in satisfaction, but when the far superior Garners exists in the same universe, choosing these is an act of profound self-sabotage.

Bartons Sweet Silverskin Onions

And then there's these. One bite and I was violently transported back to DJing at one of many weddings and parties in draughty village halls in 1989. I can almost smell the warm sausage rolls and taste the flat lemonade. These are, without a shadow of a doubt, the exact same tiny, sad, white orbs that adorned a thousand foil-wrapped grapefruit "hedgehogs" at every home-catered buffet of my early DJ career. It's not an entirely unpleasant memory, but it's not one I'd choose for my pickled onion moments. Those buffets had their upsides.... trays of over-catered egg-mayo sandwiches that I was encouraged to take home at the end of the night, for example. But the insipid onions were not one of them. 

The ingredients list reads like a cry for help: spirit vinegar, sugar, and the ever-mysterious "flavouring," because specifying an actual flavour would be setting themselves up for disagreement. These aren't so much pickled onions as they are onion-shaped vehicles for delivering vaguely sweet vinegar. The jar helpfully suggests serving them "as part of a buffet". Yes, a buffet to accompany a 1980s retro event.

Close-up of jar labels showing ingredients. Traditional Pickled Onions (beige label) lists ingredients: Onions, Water, Barley Malt Vinegar, Sugar, Spirit Vinegar, Salt, Malted Barley Extract, Preservative. Silverskin Onions (pale blue label) lists: Silverskin Onions, Water, Spirit Vinegar, Salt, Flavouring, Preservative. Both show "1905" heritage badge, "Quality Checked" stamp, and Eddie Barton

The Verdict:

Bartons Pickled Onions - 2 onions out of 5
🧅🧅❌❌❌

Bartons Sliverskin Onions - 2 onions out of 5
🧅🧅❌❌❌

Bartons has managed to create two jars of such profound and aggressive mediocrity that they almost become a statement. They are, to use my fave analogy for mediocrity, the beige Vauxhall Vivas of the pickled onion world: functional, forgettable, and a source of quiet despair. Will I buy them again? Only, to stretch a point, if I find myself in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where all other sources of pickled onions have been wiped out. And even then, I'd probably think twice.

Next time, I'm going upmarket. My soul needs it.

Overhead view of two opened jars on a colourful patterned fabric. Left jar contains traditional pickled onions in brown malt vinegar. Right jar contains silverskin onions in clear vinegar. Both show whole, peeled onions submerged in their respective pickling liquids.
]]> It's Not Balls All the Way Down theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/its-not-balls-all-the-way-down.html 2025-11-03T19:03:09+00:00 I was thinking about how when I was very young, I learnt… ]]> Text over abstract quantum physics background with glowing orbital patterns. The text describes the progressive teaching of atomic models from childhood through education: starting with solids, liquids and gases; progressing to ball-and-stick molecules; then solar system-style atoms; then quantum probability clouds and quarks. Each stage is punctuated with dry British humour noting how each previous model was wrong but useful. The post concludes: 'Anyway. This is a post about the complex biology of gender.' Attribution to @theaardvark and theaardvark.co.uk shown.

I was thinking about how when I was very young, I learnt in science about solids, liquids and gases. Three states of matter. Sorted. Physics: completed.

When I was a bit older, I learnt about atoms and how they were like little balls that made up all the stuff. How they joined together with each other, on sticks, to make molecules. Like Meccano or K’Nex, but smaller.

Then I learnt that those balls weren't balls at all. They were more like little solar systems with more petite balls - neutrons, protons and electrons - whizzing around in neat orbits. Like a tiny orrery. How quaint that seems now.

Then I learnt that electrons weren't in orbits at all, but existed as probability clouds of where they might be if you bothered to look. And that the protons and neutrons weren't fundamental particles either, but were themselves made of quarks. Which may or may not be made of strings. Or something. At this point the physicists themselves essentially shrugged and started making shit up.

At each stage, I was taught something that was straightforwardly wrong, but useful enough to build on. Each new layer revealed that the previous model was a comfortable lie we tell children (and undergraduates). Educational gaslighting, if you will.

Anyway. This is a post about the complex biology of gender.

#transrights #lgbtq #transgender #trans #pride #lgbt #transrightsarehumanrights #nonbinary #queer #gay #lgbtqia #loveislove #transpride #transisbeautiful #gayrights #equality #lesbian #bisexual #transgirl #transwoman #transvisibility #lgbtpride #mtf #transbeauty #genderfluid #pridemonth #translivesmatter #like #ftm #feminism 

]]> Pickled Onion Review #12: Kit's Kitchen Pickled Shallots theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-12-kits-kitchen-pickled-shallots.html 2025-11-02T02:12:13+00:00 A couple of months ago, I unjared a very promising jar of… ]]> Photo: Sealed jar of Kit's Kitchen Fine Foods Pickled Shallots (480g) with a copper-coloured lid and cream-coloured label featuring the brand's logo and "Gold Award Winner" badges. The jar shows the pickled shallots and spices clearly visible through the glass, with a metal fork partially visible at the bottom right of the frame against a white background. Those award badges suggest someone, somewhere, takes their pickled shallots very seriously indeed.RetryClaude can make mistakes. Please double-check responses.

A couple of months ago, I unjared a very promising jar of Kit's Kitchen Pickled Onions. I was so impressed that I noted they were reminiscent of the excellent M&S Traditional Pickled Onions, only with a touch more sweetness. Then, in a spectacular display of executive function, I completely forgot to pen the actual review. Nothing says "amateur food reviewer" quite like forgetting to write your actual review. I intend to rectify that lapse soon, because they were outstanding.

So it was with high hopes—and a Post-it note reminder—that I approached this jar of Kit's Kitchen Pickled Shallots. Now, I've remarked elsewhere that manufacturers often see pickled shallots as a slightly more exotic sibling to the classic British pickled onion. That's certainly the case here, but in spades. The jar itself suggests someone, somewhere, takes their pickled shallots very seriously indeed; it sports "Great Taste Gold Award Winner", “Diamond Award Winner 2008” and “Diamond Award Winner 2010” badges. I can only assume there's a shadowy cabal of judges meeting in a dimly lit room somewhere, solemnly eating more pickled onions than I could ever aspire to, and dishing out culinary merit badges.

The label lists the ingredients as "Shallots, Malt Vinegar from (Barley), Brown Sugar, Salt, Mustard Seed and Spices"Speaking of that last ingredient, "spices," it’s a masterclass in understatement. They weren’t shy about the flavor here—the taste hits you with a peppery fire reminiscent of a dance between Szechuan peppercorns and a robust horseradish. It’s like chili pepper heat without the chili! But don’t let that fool you; the dark, treacle sweetness from teh brown sugar, a taste you'd normally get from a balsamic vinegar pickling, beautifully counters the spiciness, creating a delicious balance.

Photo: Close-up of a jar label showing ingredients and allergy information. The label lists "Shallots, Malt Vinegar from (Barley), Brown Sugar, Salt, Mustard Seed and Spices" as ingredients, with allergy advice noting "For allergens see ingredients listed in bold" followed by nutritional information below. A straightforward list that manages to make preserved onions sound almost sophisticated.

Peering into the opened jar is like gazing into a tiny, vinegary universe where shallots gracefully float orbited by their mustard seed companions. Each golden, translucent shallot boasts a darker brown patch at each end, and I find myself clutching my fork in anticipation—the moment of truth awaits! Will these shallots be a delightful triumph or destined for the bin?

Photo: Top-down view into an opened jar showing several pale pickled shallots floating in dark amber-coloured pickling liquid scattered with visible mustard seeds and other spices. The shallots appear plump and well-preserved, with the spiced vinegar clearly displaying its ingredients throughout the jar. It's like looking into a tiny vinegary universe where shallots drift serenely amongst their mustard seed companions.

Brilliant, I’m thrilled to report! I genuinely like these shallots, and I’m kicking myself for not doing an unjaring video because I was genuinely surprised by just how delicious they were!

That said, I would be remiss not to mention the powerful black pepper kick and treacle sweetness—these are not casual snackers! You can’t munch on too many at once; they have a bit of a vicious streak and will definitely make their presence known post-consumption. Your nearest and dearest will know you've been at the pickled shallots, put it that way.

Photo: Single pickled shallot on a metal fork held above an opened jar against a white background. The shallot appears golden and translucent with a darker brown patch where it's been sliced or where the root end was, showing the characteristic appearance of a properly pickled specimen ready for evaluation. It's the moment of truth - will this be brilliant or bin-worthy?

I picked these bad boys up from Robinson's butchers on Spinney Lane, an independent butcher just around the corner from home. Alas, Kit's Kitchen's Facebook page hasn’t seen an update since "Kitt" was the coolest TransAm on telly, and their website is as broken as my executive function. But hey, here’s a valiant attempt to keep it alive: https://www.kitskitchen.co.uk/. Unless you happen to be in Burntwood, good luck tracking them down! If you are, it’s absolutely worth the trip! And if not? Well, maybe consider relocating—who doesn’t want to live in a place with excellent pickled onions and an burgeoning creative arts scene?

The Verdict

A very strong 4 out of 5.

🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

They're bold, complex, and a fantastic example of how a pickled shallot can be an entirely different beast from a standard pickled onion. Just don't eat them before an important meeting.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #12: Garner's Original Pickled Onions & Pickled Shallots theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-12-garners-original-pickled-onions-and-pickled-shallots.html 2025-10-26T22:39:17+00:00 Alright, you magnificent pickled-fam! After the wild, funky ride with The Funky… ]]> Photo: Two jars of Garner's pickled onions on a white surface with a green garden backdrop. The smaller jar on the left is "Pickled Shallots" (traditionally hand peeled and pickled in a spiced malt vinegar, with a "great taste" award logo), and the larger jar on the right is "Original Pickled Onions" (traditionally hand peeled and pickled in a rich malt vinegar). Both jars display the Garner's shield-style label with "THE ULTIMATE TASTE & CRUNCH" tagline.

Alright, you magnificent pickled-fam! After the wild, funky ride with The Funky Food Co.'s flavoured offerings, it's time to return to something a bit more... traditional. In fact, the jar itself says "traditional". Today, we're tackling a brand that many of you have mentioned: Garner's. A name that should be attached to a firm of small-town solicitors. Instead, it's on jars of pickled onions. Life is full of surprises.

Specifically, we're looking at their Original Pickled Onions and their slightly more exotic cousins, the Pickled Shallots. Both jars proudly display the Garner's shield and "THE ULTIMATE TASTE & CRUNCH" tagline. I've seen politicians make less ambitious promises. Let's see if they can deliver.

These are onions you can easily find on a local supermarket shelf, which, in the grand scheme of this quest, is a rather important factor. After all, what good is the perfect onion if you need to take a pilgrimage to acquire it?

Photo: Two opened jars of Garner's pickled products photographed outdoors against a green grass background, with metal forks holding pickled onions above each jar. The smaller jar on the left contains pickled shallots, whilst the larger jar on the right contains original pickled onions. The onions appear golden and translucent, suspended on the fork prongs ready for tasting.

Garner's Original Pickled Onions

First up, the "Originals". The first thing to note is the size – these are proper, decent-sized onions. They're giving off serious main-character energy. None of that silverskin, side-kick-to-a-salad nonsense that requires a dessert spoon to get a satisfying mouthful. They are a lovely golden, translucent colour, floating in a rich, dark amber actual-malt vinegar. The crunch is fantastic, and the good, sweet, vinegary tang fills the mouth without being overly aggressive.

They don't quite have the assertive, full-mouth sharpness to the tang that The Funky Food Co's Dogs Bollocks Pickled Onions have. But that's OK, because it means you can eat more of them, one after another. These are pretty close to homemade pickled onions. The ingredients are simple: onions, barley malt vinegar, sugar, water, sea salt, and spices. The effect of the sugar and spice is subtle, strengthening and filling-out the flavour rather than changing it much.

Garner's Pickled Shallots

The shallots are a different beast. I'm starting to realise that brands see pickled shallots as a slightly different product, shovelling in more spices. I've got some Kit's Kitchen Pickled Shallots I'll be reviewing soon that takes this approach to another level. But Garner's here have done a fantastic job of making a slightly different, interesting product alongside the Traditional Pickled Onions.

They're a little sweeter, but have a more pronounced vinegary bite than the onions, but they layer on a much more rounded, complex flavour from the added spices. I'm really enjoying bouncing back and forth between the two products. My biggest peeve with the Shallots? The size of the jar. Why is it smaller than the onions? It is, I suspect, a deliberate ploy to make me buy more of them. It's working. I'm not happy about it, but it's working

Photo: Top-down view into both opened Garner's jars showing the pickled onions floating in their dark amber malt vinegar. The left jar contains smaller shallots whilst the right jar shows larger original pickled onions. The glass jar threads are visible, and the rich colour of the malt vinegar is clearly displayed against the green grass background.

The Verdict

After the flavour fireworks of recent reviews, it's refreshing to get back to basics. Both of these offerings from Garner's are excellent. They do exactly what they say on the tin (or jar, in this case).

Are they the best pickled onions I've ever tasted? No. But they might just be my new favourite everyday onion. They represent the gold standard for what you can - and should - expect to pick up with your weekly shop. All in all, I can see why people were calling these out as their personal favourites. I can't disagree with them at all.

Garner's Original Pickled Onions - 4 onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

Garner's Pickled Shallots - 4 onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

A rock-solid performance from both. They don't quite reach the dizzying heights of the M&S Traditional onions, but they are a fantastic and readily available choice for daily consumption. Utterly brilliant.

Photo: Close-up of the back labels of two Garner's jars showing ingredients and nutritional information. The left jar (Pickled Shallots) lists shallots, barley malt vinegar, sugar, water, sea salt, and spices. The right jar (Original Pickled Onions) lists onions, barley malt vinegar containing colour barley malt extract, sugar, water, sea salt, and spices. Both labels include allergen advice noting cereals containing gluten in bold, nutritional information per 100g drained, and confirmation that both products are suitable for vegetarians and vegans.

As a reminder, Garner's is owned by Baxters—the same company whose own-brand onions I've previously reviewed. The connection is fascinating because the two products are worlds apart. The Baxters-branded onions were a study in mediocrity, while these Garner's onions are superb: crunchy, tangy, and everything their corporate siblings are not. It’s a culinary mystery wrapped in an enigma, smothered in malt vinegar. Perhaps Baxters runs a secret, internal competition: one team is tasked with making the most sublime onion possible, while the other is challenged to create its beige, forgettable Vauxhall Viva of a cousin. If so, both teams are succeeding admirably.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #11: The Funky Food Co's Guinness Pickled Onions & Marmite Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-11-the-funky-food-cos-guinness-pickled-onions-and-marmite-pickled-onions.html 2025-10-24T20:48:46+01:00 Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs of all things pickled, let's get funky. After… ]]> Two sealed jars of Funky Food Co. pickled onions on a wooden surface against a white backdrop with partial text visible. Left jar has a black label for "Guinness Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar" with illustrations of onions and Guinness bottles. Right jar has a white label for "Marmite Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar With Marmite" with similar illustrations including a Marmite jar.

Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs of all things pickled, let's get funky. After setting the benchmark with their "Dogs Bollocks" onions, it's time to dive into two of the flavoured offerings from my local Staffordshire heroes, The Funky Food Co. In fact, it was a jar of their Guinness onions that kick-started this whole ridiculous journey into reviewing pickled onions online. So, this feels like coming full circle.

On that note, I learned earlier this month that the current proprietor of The Funky Food Co is retiring in November. But thankfully, the business and, most importantly, the recipes for their products have been sold to another local owner, so supplies will keep coming. I wish both of them all the best.

Today, we're unjarring their Guinness Pickled Onions and their Marmite Pickled Onions.

Photo: Both jars with metal forks holding pickled onions above them. Two onions from each jar rest on the fork prongs, showing the colour difference - the Guinness onions appearing lighter and more golden, the Marmite onions showing a slightly darker, more amber tone. The white backdrop features partial lettering, and the composition demonstrates the visual comparison between the two varieties.

The Funky Food Co's Marmite Pickled Onions

As a huge fan of the black stuff, I had high hopes for these, and they did not disappoint. The flavour is unmistakably Marmite; no surprise, given it's the second ingredient on the label. It gives the onions a huge umami hit, creating a fuller, more savoury flavour than you get from most standard pickled onions. Any Marmite fan will be a fan of these.

The vinegar sharpness isn't huge, but honestly, I can forgive them for that. The rich, savoury depth more than makes up for it, and it makes it a little too easy to eat them by the bucketload.

The Funky Food Co's Guinness Pickled Onions

The Guinness flavour here is more subtle. If it wasn't written on the jar, I doubt you'd be able to guess the extra ingredient. But that's not a criticism. It still gives them an excellent flavour twist, adding a combination of bitter and sweet notes, almost like a good 50-60% dark chocolate. I love these too; it's been a genuine struggle not to keep eating them by the spoonful.

Close-up of the back labels of two Funky Food Co. jars showing ingredients and allergen information. The left jar (Guinness pickled onions) lists ingredients including onions, malt vinegar, Guinness 50%, barley, sugar, salt, spirit vinegar, acidity regulator, and acetic acid. The right jar (Marmite pickled onions) lists silver skin onions, marmite, celery, gluten, malt vinegar, barley, sugar, salt, spirit vinegar, acidity regulator, and acetic acid. Both labels include allergen advice highlighting ingredients in bold.

The One Gripe...

And that brings me to my only real gripe with both of these excellent products: the size. They're silverskin onions. As I've said before, I just don't understand the obsession with using them for pickling. They're too small! There's no point bringing out the pickle fork for these; you'd spend ten minutes harpooning individual onions and hoofing them individually into your gob. No... these demand a dessert spoon. Shovel 'em in!

The Verdict

Both of these are absolutely top-tier flavoured onions. They're bold, interesting, and dangerously moreish.

The Funky Food Co's Guinness Pickled Onions - 4 onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

The Funky Food Co's Marmite Pickled Onions - 4½ onions out of 5
🧅🧅🧅🧅🌗

The Marmite ones win out by a fraction simply because I'm such a huge Marmite fan. But let's be clear: both of these would have been our first 5-out-of-5 contenders if they were just bigger onions. I'm being picky, but that satisfying, substantial crunch is what separates the great from the legendary. Still, these are utterly brilliant.

 

 

 

]]> Unjaring Garner's Pickled Onions and Pickled Shallots theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-garners-pickled-onions-and-pickled-shallots.html 2025-10-08T23:11:49+01:00 Unjaring the Legend: Garner's gets theaardvark Treatment ¡Ahoy hoy, Pickle Fam! In… ]]> Bald man with glasses and a vibrant purple beard wearing a purple hoodie, outdoors in a garden and holding up two jars of Garner's pickled onions - "Original Pickled Onions" (traditionally hand peeled and pickled in a rich malt vinegar) on the left, and "Pickled Shallots" (traditionally hand peeled and pickled in a spiced malt vinegar) on the right. Behind him is lush green foliage with trees and shrubs creating a natural backdrop. His expression suggests he's about to deliver his considered opinion on these artisanal preserves.

Unjaring the Legend: Garner's gets theaardvark Treatment

¡Ahoy hoy, Pickle Fam!

In the relentless, ADHD-fuelled quest for the perfect pickled onion, some names are whispered with a certain reverence. One such name is Garner's. Since this whole ridiculous video series began, a full 50% of my regular audience (that's two people, for those keeping score—neither of whom is a Mrs Trellis from North Wales) have demanded I try them. Who am I to deny the will of the people?

So, armed with my trusty, insurance-voiding camera mount and a pickle fork, I ventured outside for reasons that seemed brilliant for about 30 seconds. The mission: to finally unjar and give my first impressions on the legendary Garner's Original Pickled Onions and their spiced-up cousins, the Pickled Shallots.

After waiting for fully 15 minutes because I could hear a neighbour in their garden and I felt a bit foolish, I realised the importance of what I was doing, and, as it appears I say a lot now, "cracked on".

Now, for a bit of industry intrigue. Garner's Pickled Onions are actually made by Baxters, who bought the brand in 2001. This is the same Baxters whose own brand of silverskin onions I previously reviewed and gave a profoundly adequate 3 out of 5 rating (for the sweet ones—the standard ones got just 2 out of 5).

Does this mean Garner's is just a premium-priced version of an average onion, or is there something more to them?

This video is the initial probe—the first taste test to see if they possess that all-important crunch and the glorious, mouth-filling tang that separates a true pickled champion from the beige, forgettable Vauxhall Vivas of the onion world.

Will they live up to the hype? Or is it all just clever marketing? There's only one way to find out.

Stay tuned for the full, in-depth review where I'll render my final verdict. Watch how you go.

 

1Still paranoid that the correct use of the em-dash makes this look like AI-generated tosh.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #10: Waitrose Malt Vinegar and Balsamic Vinegar Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-10-waitrose-malt-vinegar-and-balsamic-vinegar-pickled-onions.html 2025-10-06T14:12:25+01:00 A Tale of Two Vinegars & Middle-Class Disappointment Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs… ]]> Photo: Two glass jars of Waitrose pickled onions with silver lids on a wooden surface against a bright pink background. Left jar contains pale onions in malt vinegar, right jar has darker onions in balsamic vinegar.

A Tale of Two Vinegars & Middle-Class Disappointment

Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs of all things pickled, let's talk about Waitrose. The shop that makes you feel like you should have worn a tie just to browse the condiment aisle.

These onions cost nearly 50% more than the other decidedly middle-class onions I tried, from M&S. So you'd be forgiven for expecting a pickled onion that understands its purpose in life. You'd expect an onion that has summered in the Hamptons and winters in Gstaad. An onion with opinions on the wine it should be paired with.

Photo: Close-up of the jar labels showing ingredients lists. The malt vinegar version lists onions, barley malt vinegar, water, sugar, salt, acidity regulator, allspice and spice extracts. The balsamic version shows onions, balsamic vinegar made from grape must and wine vinegar, water, salt, and acidity regulator.

The Main Event: Waitrose Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar

Let's start with the one that should have been a slam dunk, Waitrose Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar. The whole point of a proper malt vinegar onion is the "tang". That assertive, mouth-filling sharpness that cuts through. It's the entire reason for being.

And these just didn't have it.

To be fair, the onions themselves were decent; sizeable and with a proper, satisfying crunch. The use of genuine malt vinegar gave them a rounded flavour that you don't get from the sad, pale imitation spirit vinegar some manufacturers use. But the critical element, the bite—the tang—was missing. It's like being handed a pint of real ale that's gone flat. The "allspice spice extracts" on the label? Utterly pointless; they brought nothing to the party. It's a beige Vauxhall Viva* of a pickled onion: perfectly functional, utterly forgettable.

Rating: 3 / 5
🧅🧅🧅❌❌

The Surprise Contender: Waitrose Pickled Onions in Balsamic Vinegar

Now, here's where things get weird. I've previously stated that any onion aspiring to sweetness has fundamentally misunderstood its purpose. I was ready to write this one off as another middle-class affectation. But, as the M&S ones proved, I was wrong.

Surprisingly, the Waitrose Pickled Onions in Balsamic Vinegar actually had some of the tang and sharpness that the malt vinegar ones were so desperately lacking. This, combined with the dark, treacle-like sweetness from the balsamic, made for a genuinely more interesting and satisfying flavour.

This isn't the sharp, vinegary friend you were expecting. It's more like a distant, sweet cousin who showed up to the party with a completely different agenda. An agenda I hadn't originally expected in my naive pre-pickled-onion-obsessive days, but one that I'm coming to find a place for.

Rating: 3.5 / 5
🧅🧅🧅🌗❌

Photo: Two pickled onions suspended on pickle forks between the opened jars against the pink background. The left onion from the malt vinegar is pale cream-coloured, the right one from balsamic vinegar is darker brown. A compelling study in allium contrast.

The Verdict

Ultimately, this was a frustrating experience. The balsamic onions were better only because the malt vinegar ones failed at their one job. They were the ones I found myself reaching for more often for a quick pickled onion hit.

At this price, it feels like another case of a supermarket getting ideas above its station. Just like with the M&S onions, they've managed to create a "middle-class" pickled onion, but this time it's at the expense of the flavour that truly matters.

Disappointing.

1Red. It's always a red wine with pickled onions. Preferably a heavy one with a big peppery after taste.

2Em-dash: I worry that the inclusion of an em-dash in my writing will suggest that I'm using AI to write it. I do use a spelling and grammar checker that changed my "-" to a "—", but the rest of this shite is the product of my own weird cognition.

3Vauxhall Viva: My first car was a beige Vauxhall Viva. It cost £250 in 1989. There's a whole other blog post possible about that car.

]]> Unjaring The Funky Food Co: Guinness & Marmite Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-the-funky-food-co-guinness-and-marmite-pickled-onions.html 2025-10-03T15:46:37+01:00 Ahoy, ahoy, pickle fam! theaardvark is back with another pickled onion unjarring… ]]> Bald man with glasses and a purple beard wearing a black t-shirt, holding up two jars of Funky Food Co. pickled onions - Marmite pickled onions in malt vinegar (left jar with white label featuring the distinctive Marmite branding) and Guinness pickled onions in malt vinegar (right jar with black label). Behind him is his familiar home office with shelves of collectibles, framed artwork, a bright blue door, and a rubber duck visible amongst the memorabilia. His expression suggests he's about to embark on what could be described as either a culinary adventure or an act of madness, depending on one's tolerance for bold flavours.

Ahoy, ahoy, pickle fam! theaardvark is back with another pickled onion unjarring video.

This week's video begins with some light, pickled-onion-fueled pondering on the meaning of existence in a vast and uncaring universe. As you do. But thankfully, I move on from existential revelations to the far more pressing matter at hand: two very special jars from the Staffordshire-based heroes at The Funky Food Co.

I'm tackling their Guinness Pickled Onions and their Marmite Pickled Onions. This is a big moment, as these are the first flavoured onions to get the unjaring treatment. One of these jars was the catalyst for this entire video series, while the other was a completely new frontier for me.

How does the unique, savoury taste of Marmite translate to a pickled onion? And do the Guinness onions live up to my fond memories? You'll have to watch the video to hear my initial thoughts and see if they live up to the hype.

The video production has even had a slight upgrade—we now have a title sequence and a closing audio sting. We're moving up in the world.

Watch how you go.

]]> #OneSongOnePlaylist: The Beat Goes On... And On... And On... theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/onesongoneplaylist-the-beat-goes-on-and-on-and-on.html 2025-10-01T09:54:01+01:00 Here we are again, gathered for another entry in the sporadic series… ]]> Digital artwork: A record turntable with a vinyl spinning on the platter, set against a cosmic backdrop. The sky above swirls with vibrant nebula clouds in golden amber, turquoise, and deep purple, with scattered stars throughout. Wispy tendrils of cosmic energy flow upward from the record, as if the music itself is creating the universe. The turntable is dark grey with orange accent lighting, featuring a tonearm with a red cartridge. Rather cosmic for a Tuesday afternoon.

Here we are again, gathered for another entry in the sporadic series I like to call #OneSongOnePlaylist. For those who've somehow managed to avoid my banging on about it, this is where I indulge in a form of musical self-harm I prefer to call "deep diving into creative interpretations". Some might suggest this is a monumental waste of time, a bizarre hobby for someone with far too much of it. To them I say: you're absolutely right.

Today's obsession? "The Beat Goes On." Yes, that deceptively simple, endlessly looping bassline originally from Sonny & Cher. This particular rabbit hole was inspired by a fruitless search for the Mike Skinner version from the John Lewis advert, a quest which, like many of my grand ideas, spiralled magnificently out of control. An inevitable outcome of ADHD + internet access.

The result is a playlist of 34 versions, clocking in at a frankly unnecessary 2 hours and 24 minutes. It's an odyssey of repetition that will make you question your life choices by the halfway mark.

The Playlist(s)

As I’m a member of the Wokerati (and because I prefer it), the primary list was lovingly curated on Qobuz. I've also ported it over to Spotify for those of you still slumming it over there, though I can't vouch for its integrity as I haven't subjected myself to listening through it twice.

A Few Standouts in the Monotony

Venturing into this playlist is like attending a family reunion where everyone is wearing the same outfit but in slightly different fabrics.

I have a real soft spot for The All Seeing I version, which for many of us in the UK was the definitive take for a long time. It’s a classic for a reason.

At the other end of the spectrum is the "DnB Flip" by Spencer Ramsay. By all rights, this Drum & Bass flip should be an abomination - and it is. Still, it's the kind of abomination that makes you hate yourself for actually enjoying it.

But if I'm forced to pick a favourite from this mountain of questionable decisions, it has to be the electro-swing version by Le Cercle. It's jaunty, it's fun, and it perfectly captures the spirit of taking something old and making it just weird enough to be brilliant.

Why Do This?

Honestly, I don't have a good answer. It's a compulsion. It's the ADHD. It's the grim satisfaction of knowing I've created something so utterly pointless yet so meticulously complete. It's the digital equivalent of arranging your vinyl collection by the colour of the record label.

So, if you have two and a half hours to spare and a burning desire to hear the same four chords repeated into infinity, dive in. Feel free to judge me accordingly in the comments. You won't be the first.

]]> Pickled Onions Review #9: The Dogs Bollocks pickled onions from The Funky Foody Co theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onions-review-9-the-dogs-bollocks-pickled-onions-from-the-funky-foody-co.html 2025-09-30T09:46:57+01:00 The Dogs Bollocks - The Ronseal of Onions Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs… ]]> Photo: A large glass jar of pickled onions in malt vinegar sits on a wooden surface. The label reads "The Dogs Bollocks Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar" from The Funky Food Co., featuring a sketch of a dog's face. Behind the jar is a white plate decorated with red and blue brushstrokes and a yellow flower. The background shows a shimmery magenta and silver sequined fabric.

The Dogs Bollocks - The Ronseal of Onions

Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs of all things pickled onions; let's talk about a benchmark. A standard-setter. The onion by which all other onions should be judged. We're not mucking about with balsamic glazes or the sad, soft apologies for onions you find in discount supermarkets. No, today we're talking about the absolute gold standard: "The Dogs Bollocks Pickled Onions" from The Funky Food Company.

Now, I have to declare an interest. The Funky Food Co. are local (Staffordshire, UK) heroes. They're a regular trader at my town's monthly market, and they seem like genuinely lovely people. I'd be bigging them up as a business even if I wasn't hopelessly addicted to their products, but let's be clear: this review is as impartial as I can be. The quality speaks for itself. I deliberately waited to review these because I wanted to make sure I knew what other onions were like, so I could be sure of my comparative rating.

Photo: Close-up of an open jar of pickled onions with a single pale onion balanced on a cocktail stick across the rim. Behind the jar sits the same decorative plate with its cheerful red, blue and yellow design, whilst magenta sequins sparkle in the background.

These onions are, in a word, substantial. They're firm, properly crunchy, and pickled in a glorious, no-nonsense malt vinegar. There are no fancy ingredients, no exotic vinegars trying to be clever. This is a Ronseal of a pickled onion – it does what it says on the jar. The moment you bite into one, you get that powerful, mouth-filling tang that tingles your tongue and reminds you what a proper pickled onion is supposed to taste like. It's the perfect partner to chip shop chips, to any strong cheese, and you could slice them up and stick them on a posh burger. But, honestly, I eat them straight from the jar.

Photo: Close-up of the jar label showing ingredients list. The text reads "Onions, malt vinegar BARLEY, sugar, salt Spirit Vinegar, acidity regulator, acetic acid" with allergen advice noting that BARLEY is in bold. Part of The Funky Food Co. logo and the dog illustration are visible at the bottom of the label.

This whole ridiculous journey into reviewing pickled onions online started with these guys. I'd picked up a jar of their "Guinness Pickled Onions" at the market, and after finishing it in a few days, the thought struck me: "The world needs to know about this." It was a moment of pure, vinegary epiphany. And yes, for those wondering, I have another jar of the Guinness ones queued up, waiting for its moment in the spotlight.

So, what's the verdict? These are the default. The baseline. If a new pickled onion can't at least match up to The Dogs Bollocks, it's not worth the glass it's jarred in. They are everything a classic pickled onion should be: unapologetically bold, satisfyingly crunchy, and utterly brilliant.

A rock-solid 4 onions out of 5. The benchmark has been set. Anything scoring higher than this is an onion for a special occasion. This is an onion for every day.

🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

]]> Unjaring Waitrose Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-waitrose-pickled-onions.html 2025-09-25T21:36:18+01:00 The Existential Certainty of the Pickled Onion Influencer Another week, another video. ]]> Photo: Bald man with glasses and a purple beard wearing a grey t-shirt, holding up two jars of Waitrose pickled onions - one appears to be pickled onions in balsamic vinegar (left jar with darker contents) and one pickled onions in malt vinegar (right jar with lighter, more traditional-looking onions). Behind him is his familiar home office setup with shelves of collectibles, a bright blue door, and a rubber duck amongst various pop culture memorabilia. His expression suggests he's mid-comparison between these two Waitrose offerings.

The Existential Certainty of the Pickled Onion Influencer

Another week, another video. This one kicks off with some light, 3am, pickled-onion-fuelled pondering on the illusion of free will. As you do.

Was I always destined to eat those onions? Was the subsequent insomnia inevitable? And more importantly, were these two jars from Waitrose always fated to be unjarred on camera?

You can witness the full descent into preserve-based madness below, where I thankfully move on from existential dread to the far more pressing matter at hand.

For those of you who have followed this increasingly questionable journey, you'll be thrilled to know there has been a significant technological upgrade. The elastic band, a marvel of improvised engineering, has been retired. I've invested in a proper phone holder, so the production values have now skyrocketed from 'shambles' to 'slightly less of a shambles'. Progress.

]]> Death of a Unicorn: A Shallow AF Review theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/death-of-a-unicorn-a-shallow-af-review.html 2025-09-24T13:27:17+01:00 Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you… ]]> Film poster showing a Jenny Ortega on the right looking up in apparent terror at a massive scary animal muzzle looming from the left, complete with yellowed fangs and dark lips and hair. The purple text "DEATH OF A UNICORN" dominates the centre against a backdrop of lush green countryside. Turns out unicorns are rather more frightening than the sparkly ponies we were promised in childhood stories.

Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you not understand a review that bangs on about the "lack of character development and poor choice of bloody colour palette" for a film you actually enjoyed? Then you need "The Shallow As Fuck Film Review" - where we don't give a toss about subtext because we're too busy enjoying the actual text.

So... Death of a Unicorn. What a bizarre caper. It's like someone pitched "rich people are twats; also... unicorns!" to a studio exec who'd clearly been snorting crushed avocado toast, and they just greenlit the whole sodding thing. And honestly? Thank shite for that, because for a solid 107 minutes, it's an utterly engaging distraction that stops you from contemplating whether your life has any meaning whatsoever.

Let's be real, the script isn't exactly reinventing the wheel, is it? It's bollocks-out formulaic pish, and you can practically see the plot beats coming from space, like a particularly sparkly, brain-dead unicorn prancing into a motorway pile-up. Father and daughter hit a unicorn, take it to the rich boss's gaff – because where the hell else would you take a mythical beast you've just turned into roadkill? – and then all hell breaks loose with predictable but rather enjoyable carnage. The "rich people are arseholes" message is so hammered home you'd think they were trying to build an IKEA wardrobe with a unicorn horn. It's not a nuanced take on capitalism, is it? More like being repeatedly smacked in the face with a copy of Das Kapital wrapped in glitter.

It feels a bit like a B-movie that accidentally stumbled arse-first into a decent budget and cast. The CGI is just about serviceable, although the creature design is good enough to make you almost believe in the horned bastards. Paul Rudd and Jenna Ortega are great, but they're not pushing the boundaries of their craft here, are they?

Film still showing a medieval tapestry depicting a peasant in flowing red robes who has been impaled by a white unicorn's horn, which is now stained with blood. The scene is set against a dark floral background in the style of classic medieval tapestries. Well, that's certainly put a dampener on all those romantic unicorn myths - turns out the pointy bit wasn't just for show after all.

Ultimately, though... It had me hooked right up to the bloody end, even if it felt a bit like someone had accidentally given a student film a proper budget. It's an engaging distraction, perfect for when you want to switch your brain off and watch rich people get impaled.

I'd give it 3 horns out of 5. It's a bloody good, blood-soaked distraction for the cerebrally challenged, and sometimes that's exactly what you need.

]]> Embracing the Chaos: My ADHD AF T-Shirt theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/embracing-the-chaos-my-adhd-af-t-shirt.html 2025-09-20T15:37:52+01:00 If you live with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, you know that subtlety… ]]> Me sporting my glorious purple beard in front of framed artwork, wearing a grey "ADHD AF" t-shirt with the helpful subtitle "what were we talking about?" Because subtlety is overrated when you're making a point about neurodivergent life.

If you live with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, you know that subtlety isn't always part of the package. Some days are a whirlwind of brilliant ideas and half-finished projects. It's a life powered by chaos and, let's be honest, a significant amount of caffeine.

Tired of the constant battle, I decided to wear it with pride. So, I designed a t-shirt that just gets it: "ADHD AF". It's a straightforward nod to the beautiful mess that is the ADHD brain.

Back view of the same grey t-shirt revealing the punchline: "ADHD AF - Powered by chaos and caffeine." Also visible: the back of my magnificently bald head, a small earring, and the edge of said purple beard.

I had the design made by streetshirts.co.uk, and I've made it available for anyone else who wants to embrace their own brand of brilliant chaos. It's more than just a t-shirt; it's a bit of solidarity for those of us navigating a world not always built for our wiring.

If you want one for yourself, you can buy my design directly from their site.

You can buy the t-shirt here: https://old.streetshirts.co.uk/sell-t-shirts?PFC[SSDvHNKWuP1eet3ADJfNEN0e80s52d] 

]]> Pickled Onion Review #8: M&S Balsamic Onions & A Slice of Humble Pie theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-8-mands-balsamic-onions-and-a-slice-of-humble-pie.html 2025-09-20T11:41:42+01:00 In the grand, and occasionally sticky, pursuit of knowledge, one must adhere… ]]> Photo: Full jar of M&S Collection Balsamic Pickled Onions on a wooden surface against a child's hand-painted ceramic plate decorated with blue wavy lines representing the sea and red and white stripes. The dark amber liquid and golden onions are visible through the clear glass, with the premium M&S branding and allergy information clearly displayed on the label.

In the grand, and occasionally sticky, pursuit of knowledge, one must adhere to the scientific method. A hypothesis is formulated, subjected to rigorous, repeatable experimentation, and upon review of the empirical data, conclusions are drawn. Should the evidence contradict the initial hypothesis, it is the duty of the serious researcher to retract, recalibrate, and republish.

In an earlier diatribe (or, as I previously referred to it, an 'unjaring video'), I posited with considerable certainty that the inclusion of balsamic vinegar in the pickling medium of an onion was a chemical and moral failing. A secondary axiom stated that any onion aspiring to sweetness was an onion that had fundamentally misunderstood its purpose in life. Today, I find myself in the lab, my white coat spattered not with failure, but with a sweet, dark, syrupy vinegar.

I am here to formally retract my previous assertions and eat a rather large slice of humble pie; garnished, it seems, with a balsamic glaze.

The evidence in question is a jar of M&S Balsamic Onions. These have rather successfully disavowed me of my previously held notions.

I'm still firmly of the opinion that Silverskin Onions are just not big enough for a satisfying munch. They're the understudies of the onion world. However, the combination of honey and mustard in the pickling liquor here is genuinely enjoyable. They certainly lack the traditional, sharp bite of a good malt vinegar. Still, the gentle heat from the mustard does a decent job of stepping into that role.

Photo: Single pickled onion on a metal fork against a child's hand-painted ceramic plate decorated with blue wavy lines representing the sea and red and white stripes. The onion appears golden and translucent but darker than most pickled silverskin onions.

The sweetness from the balsamic and honey isn't cloying; it's a balanced, more complex flavour than you get from just adding sugar. It's a different experience entirely from the sharp, punchy tang of a classic chip shop onion.

Close-up of a jar label for M&S Collection Balsamic Pickled Onions, showing the product description "Delicious with COLD MEATS & CHARCUTERIE, also a perfect accompaniment to a CHEESEBOARD" along with nutritional information and ingredients list including silverskin onions with balsamic vinegar, honey and mustard seeds.

Would I swap them for a proper, grown-up, malt-vinegared onion? No. But that's not their purpose. These feel like a different category altogether. They’d be an excellent addition to a cheeseboard, or perhaps even as a strange sort of dessert following a couple of more substantial, sharper onions. A cheesecake of a pickled onion.

They've challenged my dogma, and for that, they deserve respect.

A surprisingly pleasant, thought-provoking onion that has forced a re-evaluation of my entire pickling philosophy.

3.5 onions out of 5.
🧅🧅🧅🌗❌

]]> Unjaring The Dogs Bollocks pickled onions from The Funky Food Co theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-the-dogs-bollocks-pickled-onions-from-the-funky-food-co.html 2025-09-19T14:05:09+01:00 Alright, you audacious rubberneckers, gather 'round. The jury-rigged camera mount, a technological… ]]> Bald man with glasses holding up a large jar of "The Dogs Bollocks" pickled onions in malt vinegar from The Funky Food Co., featuring a distinguished dog illustration on the label. Behind him is his familiar home office setup with collectibles on shelves, a bright blue door, computer monitors displaying what appears to be a fantasy landscape, and a rubber duck amongst the various pop culture memorabilia. His expression suggests he's about to deliver a verdict on this rather boldly-named preserve.

Alright, you audacious rubberneckers, gather 'round.

The jury-rigged camera mount, a technological marvel that probably voids my mobile phone insurance policy, has been resurrected. Why, you ask? Because my relentless pursuit of vinegary validation has resonated with someone. Not the millions of adoring fans I’d been promised, but definitely someone. And that's more than enough of an excuse to do some more of this rubbish.

This isn't just another delve into the depths of a jar; this is a cultural event, a masterclass in questionable life choices, and frankly, a desperate plea for engagement in an increasingly bewildering online landscape. We're not mucking about with your fancy M&S fare or that criminally bland Aldi shite. Oh no. We're going straight for the jugular, the crème de la crème, the... well, the "Dogs Bollocks" from The Funky Food Co.

Yes. A whopping 440g jar of pickled onions with an edgily whimsical name that would make the local Conservative Party club blush in faux-outrage.

One has to admire the audacity of The Funky Food Co's marketing. Make your product memorable and "Instagrammable" (although other social media sites are preferable), and they'll market themselves.

Now, for the serious bit. This isn't just me waffling on about fermented alliums. This is a production. A high-stakes, high-octane performance of a middle-aged man faffing about with preserves. To elevate this entirely necessary content, I've procured some cutting-edge, purpose-built equipment. Feast your eyes upon my magnificent, brand-spanking-new pickle fork! No more ungainly prodding with a regular fork, no sir. We're in the big leagues now, where every pickle can be impaled with precision and panache. It's practically art.

A cream-coloured plush aardvark sits on a wooden desk, brandishing a four-pronged pickle fork where the middle tine has been bent upwards in a rather rude gesture. Behind the aardvark, a keyboard glows with purple backlighting. In front sits a business card reading "That's So Rude! Thank you for your order - it is very much appreciated. Please do call again should you wish to offend anyone in the near future" with the Etsy shop URL. The aardvark sports a turquoise Jellycat tag, clearly demonstrating that even the most refined stuffed animals occasionally need to express themselves in less than polite ways.

So, if you've ever found yourself wondering what constitutes peak internet content, or perhaps pondered the cognitive decline of a man dedicating his precious free time to reviewing pickled foodstuffs, then you've stumbled into the right corner of the internet.

Will these rude onions be an aggressive taste sensation or a one-way ticket to a very British form of disappointment? And will my new pickle fork revolutionise the pickled-onion-eating experience, or will it simply be another prop in my increasingly elaborate, yet ultimately pointless, charade?

There's only one way to find out, isn't there? Prepare yourselves for the latest, and arguably the most crucial, chapter in my entirely unasked-for, pickle-based odyssey.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #7: Baxters - A Tale of Two Silverskins theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-7-baxters-a-tale-of-two-silverskins.html 2025-09-18T22:17:33+01:00 Even if you’re not a die-hard pickled onion fan, there are times… ]]> Photo: Two sealed jars of Baxters pickled onions sitting side by side on a wooden surface - one large silverskin onions, one regular silverskin onions - with an aardvark print on turquoise material as backdrop. Both jars display the classic Baxters branding with "Passionate About Good Food Since 1868" on the lids, ready for the tasting that's about to commence.

Even if you’re not a die-hard pickled onion fan, there are times when you just want a dependable, everyday pickled onion that you can snag from your local supermarket—no hassle involved.

Beyond the simple, sharp pleasure of a good pickled onion, there's a case to be made for them being a healthy choice. As a fermented food, they have probiotics - good bacteria that help with digestive health. They help with weight loss by making you feel fuller, and they give your immune system a boost with antioxidants.

With that in mind, I was hoping the standard-issue Baxters onions on my local Morrisons shelf would fit the bill: Baxters Silverskin Onions and Baxters Large Silverskin Onions. I was, however, left a little disappointed.

Readers will know I prefer a larger onion and proper malt vinegar over spirit vinegar. So, my money was on the Large Silverskin Onions. The jar even promised a "crunchy & tangy" experience. But they just didn't deliver. They lacked the sharp, assertive tang that I crave. The cinnamon and ginger in the ingredients added a certain fullness to the flavour. But it wasn't enough to rescue them from the overall weakness.

The same two Baxters jars now opened, showing a top-down view of the pickled onions floating in their dark amber pickling liquid. The onions appear plump and well-preserved, with the liquid having that rich, malty colour that suggests proper fermentation. The aardvark print provides a rustic backdrop as the evaluation begins.

Interestingly, I ended up enjoying the smaller Silverskin Onions more, even if I had to munch on three to get a satisfying mouthful. They delivered the necessary tang, had a pleasant crunch, and a satisfying bite; while they won’t change the world, they definitely got the essentials right.

Photo: The testing phase in full swing - metal pickle forks hold several pickled onions above each opened jar for comparison. The onions glisten appetisingly in their amber-coloured brine against the wooden surface, whilst the aardvark print completes this thoroughly British tasting setup.

It’s a curious twist that the smaller, seemingly less impressive onion stole the spotlight. The larger ones served as a reminder that without that essential vinegary punch, even the best spices can’t save the day.

Baxters Large Silverskin Onions: 2 onions out of 5. - 🧅🧅❌❌❌

Baxters Silverskin Onions: 3 onions out of 5. - 🧅🧅🧅❌❌

]]> Unjaring M&S Balsamic Vinegar Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-mands-balsamic-vinegar-pickled-onion.html 2025-09-15T12:32:07+01:00 Balsamic? That's a vinegar-y good question! And so it continues. Another weekend,… ]]> Screen grab: Bald man with glasses and a purple beard wearing a black Inspiral Carpets t-shirt with green text reading "cool as fuck" and a cow wearing green sunglasses, holding up a jar of balsamic pickled onions towards the camera. Behind him is his familiar home office with shelves of collectibles, a bright blue door, and various pop culture memorabilia. His expression suggests he's about to deliver another informed verdict on the quality of preserved alliums.

Balsamic? That's a vinegar-y good question!

And so it continues. Another weekend, another jar, another moment spent in front of a camera, wondering about the life choices that led me to this point.

Welcome back to the internet's premier series dedicated to a middle-aged man opening jars of pickled things.

This time, we're venturing back upmarket to the home of the excellent traditional pickled onions: Marks & Spencer. However, today's subject is a different beast entirely: M&S Balsamic Pickled Onions.

The jar is small, the pickling liquid is dark and mysterious. My initial thoughts, which I mumbled to the elastic-band-mounted camera, were not optimistic. Balsamic vinegar, for all its merits in a salad dressing, isn't exactly known for the sharp, aggressive tang one expects from a proper pickled onion. It felt like a concept that was trying a bit too hard to be fancy, a bit too middle-class, for the humble onion.

For some reason, this video was more... planned. I had props. I had a vague idea of what I was going to say, mostly because I'd already run through it in my head during a sleepless night earlier in the week. Why? I couldn't tell you. It felt like I was trying to impose some sort of order on this whole ridiculous endeavour, a futile gesture in the face of the sheer pointlessness of opening jars on camera. It was a departure from the raw, unplanned spirit of the first one, and frankly, I'm not sure it was for the better.

So, did these balsamic-soaked globes defy my low expectations? Or did they confirm my suspicions that some things are best left traditional? You'll have to watch the video to see the verdict.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #6: Black Country Chip Van Onion theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-6-black-country-chip-van-onion.html 2025-09-14T19:22:26+01:00 Sometimes, the best things in life are unplanned. Escaping from the plague… ]]> Photo: Hand holding a portion of golden chips in white paper wrapping with a wooden fork, accompanied by a pickled onion. The chips look properly crispy and well-seasoned, photographed with a stone surface background. Classic Black Country fare at its finest.

Sometimes, the best things in life are unplanned. Escaping from the plague house, a spontaneous trip to Lichfield led me to "The Vintage Fish and Chip Van", a mobile fish and chip van promising "Black Country" fish & chips.

Photo: Mobile fish and chip van called "The Vintage Fish and Chips Van" parked on a high street, with brown and teal livery advertising "Sea Fresh Fish & Chips" and "Fresh Fish Daily". A customer in jeans stands at the serving window, and there's a pavement sign advertising "Black Country" fish & chips for £6.50.

Naturally, my eyes were drawn to the massive 2.25kg jar of Driver's "Chip Shop Style Pickled Onions" in the window of the van. The label announced them to be "whole peeled onions pickled in a specially formulated vinegar for the chip shop trade". What else was a pickled onion obsessive supposed to do?

Photo: Large glass jar of Driver's "Chip Shop Style Pickled Onions" (2.25kg) sitting in the window of a chip shop van, surrounded by other condiment containers. The industrial-sized jar suggests serious pickled onion consumption is expected.

The menu listed a pickled onion at 50p, a decent price for an immediate moment of vinegary joy. I ordered one with a portion of chips (£4). So, I was chuffed when I was only charged £2.50 for the two together. Bargain.

Photo: Chalk menu board for "Black Country Fish & Chips Menu" displaying prices including fish & chips (£6.50), various items like jumbo sausage (£2.50), and notably pickled onion (50p) and pickled egg (£1) at the bottom.

Now, to the onion itself. This was a single, substantial specimen. It was large, but not so large that you couldn't eat it in one go, though you probably wouldn't want to. It had a proper, satisfying crunch that you could really bite into – none of the disappointing softness that plagues lesser onions. The "tang" was exactly as it should be: strong, sharp, and assertive, cutting through the richness of the excellent, crispy, beef-dripping-fried chips it accompanied. It was a perfect partner.

This is what a chip shop pickled onion should be. It's not trying to be fancy or middle-class. It's an honest, crunchy, tangy globe of pickled perfection, designed for one purpose: to complement a paper full of hot, salty chips. And it succeeds admirably.

A robust, punchy chip shop onion, made better by the unexpected discount.

3½ onions out of 5.

🧅🧅🧅🌗❌

 

]]> Unjaring Baxters Silverskin Onions - Double Bill theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-episode-4-the-baxters-silverskin-onions-double-bill.html 2025-09-13T23:15:14+01:00 Here we go again. This shite, much like my ADHD hyperfocus, now… ]]> Bald man with glasses and a purple beard holding up two jars of Baxters pickled silverskin onions - on the left "Large Silverskin Onions" and on the right "Silverskin Onions" - both with distinctive red and white Baxters labels. The jars are held close to the camera, showing the onions floating in their brown pickling liquid. Behind him is his disorganised home office setup with collectibles on shelves, including what appears to be a rubber duck and various pop culture memorabilia. His expression suggests he's mid-explanation, presumably about the merits of Scotland's finest preserved alliums.

Here we go again. This shite, much like my ADHD hyperfocus, now has a life of its own.

Welcome back to "Old Man Documents his Breakdown as he Opens Jars of Pickled Onions"; the online phenomenon that continues to exist despite public demand.

After the highs of M&S and the soul-crushing lows of Aldi, it felt time to tackle a household name*. A brand that feels like it's been on grocery shop shelves since the dawn of time: Baxters. Well, since 1868, according to the jar labels.

It's a double feature again. Baxters Silverskin Onions and Baxters Large Silverskin Onions. It felt only right to try them together in a battle of size and, hopefully, substance.

Does size matter in the world of pickled onions? It’s a question that has plagued philosophers for minutes, and I am here to answer it with the scientific rigour it deserves.

The usual ramshackle production values are, of course, present and correct. The elastic band camera mount has been deployed, and the studio maintains its normal state of studied chaos.

There's a grim determination to this episode;  a sense of obligation to a series that I, and I alone, am invested in.

Will the larger onion prove superior? Or will the classic silverskin hold its own? I won't spoil the grand conclusion here; you'll have to watch the video for the official, and deeply serious, verdict.

If you're ready for another descent into preserve-based madness, the video awaits.

*I imagine. I'd never heard of them before I got slightly obsessed with pickled onions.

]]> Pickled Onion Review #5: Aldi's "The Deli" Silverskin Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-5-aldis-the-deli-silverskin-pickled-onions.html 2025-09-12T19:21:59+01:00 Several years ago, over a significant number of pints, a good friend… ]]> Two glass jars of pickled silverskin onions from Aldi's Deli range sit on a dark wooden surface against a shimmering silver disco ball backdrop. The left jar contains "Sweet Silverskin Onions" with tiny onions in a dirty brown liquid, whilst the right jar holds plain "Silverskin Onions" with pale white onions. Both have black lids and white labels featuring illustrated onions.

Several years ago, over a significant number of pints, a good friend recounted to my wife and me a bus journey he took in India. The day after a heavy night, he trusted some flatulence that badly betrayed him. Suitably embarrassed, he cleaned himself up at the next opportunity. Having no replacement underwear, he was forced to travel the remainder of the journey commando. It was only sometime later, sitting opposite a local woman and her young child, that he realised her disapproving looks were because he'd split the seam of his trousers at the crotch.

Tasting Aldi's "The Deli" Pickled Silverskin Onions and Sweet Pickled Onions, it occurred to me that food is often more about the journey than the destination. Specifically, these onions reminded me of my friend's journey.

Everything about these onions is disappointing. The ingredients list itself portends a dismal experience, listing everything that's wrong with mass-produced pickled onions. Spirit vinegar. The artificial flavour "boost" from acetic acid which appears to have failed here. And a preservative; properly pickled onions don't need preserving – that's what the pickling is for.

Two opened jars of pickled silverskin onions viewed from above, revealing their disappointing contents. The left jar shows tiny sweet onions floating in amber-coloured liquid, while the right jar contains anaemic-looking white onions in clearer vinegar. A glittery disco ball surface sparkles menacingly in the background, as if mocking the poor quality of the onions below.

I started with the non-sweet variety. Tiny little silverskin onions are usually unfulfilling, but here their size is a blessing. The taste is insipid and the vinegar has no bite; it's reminiscent of wine that's gone off. The texture is of fruit that's over-ripened and gone soft.

The sweet onions are much the same, but with a pickling solution that contains far too much sugar.

I can find no redeeming characteristics. I couldn't even eat more than was necessary to form these opinions. I tipped the contents of both jars into the bin, which probably increased their value.

Total shite.
0 onions out of 5.
❌❌❌❌❌

.

]]> Unjaring Aldi's the Deli Pickled Silverskin Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-aldis-the-deli-pickled-silverskin-onions.html 2025-09-12T13:02:32+01:00 The Unjaring Episode 3: Revenge of the Silverskins Well, I'm committed to… ]]> Bald man with glasses and a purple beard wearing a grey t-shirt with "ACTUALLY AUTISTIC" in yellow and orange text, holding up two jars of pickled silverskin onions - one labelled "Pickled Silverskin Onions" and the other "Pickled Sweet Silverskin Onions". Behind him is a cluttered home office with shelves of collectibles, a bright blue door, and computer monitors displaying a purple cartoon aardvark. The expression suggests he's about to deliver a verdict that could make or break someone's onion-pickling career.

The Unjaring Episode 3: Revenge of the Silverskins

Well, I'm committed to this now. Welcome to the thhird instalment of what's rapidly becoming the internet's least necessary video series.

After the M&S onions proved decent, I thought I'd venture to the other end of the supermarket hierarchy. You know, for balance.

This time, we're diving into a jar of "The Deli Pickled Silverskin Onions" from Aldi.

I went out and bought these onions with the specific intention of filming the opening. This adds a layer of accountability that, frankly, I'm not entirely comfortable with. What if this goes viral and my opinion impacts sales, for good or bad? Am I ready for that level of responsibility?

The elastic band camera mount made its triumphant return, the studio was in its usual state of disarray, and I once again approached the task with a level of seriousness that the subject matter in no way warrants.

I won't spoil the outcome. You'll have to watch the video to witness the full experience. But remember, culinary adventures are more about the journey than the destination. And some journeys are best forgotten.

You can watch the latest episode in this questionable series here:

]]> Unjaring Kit's Kitchen Pickled Onions  theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-kits-kitchen-pickled-onions.html 2025-09-10T12:58:36+01:00 Right. Apparently, one video of me opening a jar of pickled onions… ]]> Bald man with glasses and a magnificent purple-dyed beard wearing a mustard yellow hoodie, holding up a jar of Kit's Kitchen pickled onions towards the camera in his home studio. Behind him are shelves crammed with collectibles, a bright blue door, and a white banner reading "THEAARDVARKS RADIO SHOW" with a pink cartoon aardvark logo. The pickled onions look suspiciously appetising for something that's about to be thoroughly judged.

Right. Apparently, one video of me opening a jar of pickled onions wasn't quite enough to satisfy my ADHD hyperfocus. Who knew you could stretch such a simple act into a bloody series? Yet here we are, with episode two of what could be titled "Watch a Middle-Aged Man Slowly Lose His Grip on What Constitutes 'Online Content'."

This time, I'm giving Kit's Kitchen Pickled Onions the full treatment. And by "full treatment," I mean the same ramshackle approach as last time, but with slightly more awareness of what I'm doing. Somehow that makes it both better and worse simultaneously. The spontaneity that drove the M&S Pickled Onions video has been replaced by something more sinister: premeditation. I actually planned to make this one.

But here's the thing: if you watched the first video and thought, "I wonder how those compare to other brands," then congratulations, you're as far gone as I am.

The video is as rough and ready as the last one. Heck, maybe that's my "brand". Professional presentation is for people with actual talent. The elastic band camera mount returns, the studio remains a disaster zone, and I continue to treat the whole thing with far more seriousness than it deserves.

Watch the latest descent into preserve-based madness here: 

]]> Pickled Onion Review #4: Marks & Spencer Traditional Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-4-marks-and-spencer-traditional-pickled-onions.html 2025-09-07T17:53:34+01:00 What up, pickle fam! Here's the review of the M&S Traditional Pickled… ]]> A glass jar of M&S pickled traditional onions sits on a wooden surface against a backdrop of vibrant knitted fabric in stripes of red, orange, yellow, navy, and mint green. The jar contains golden-brown vinegar with pale pickled onions visible through the glass, while the white and cream label prominently displays the M&S Food branding and promises these are "hand peeled and classically pickled in rich malt vinegar for a tangy, distinctive flavour and crunchy bite.

What up, pickle fam! Here's the review of the M&S Traditional Pickled Onions I unjarred yesterday.

The jar label describes them as "hand peeled and classically pickled in rich malt vinegar for a tangy, distinctive flavour and crunchy bite" [user provided text]. For once, the marketing department hasn't been hitting the sherry. This is a remarkably accurate description, though I do wonder about the "hand-peeled" claim. Somewhere in the M&S supply chain, is there a warehouse full of people lovingly peeling onions whilst weeping into their minimum wage pay packets?

These are what pickled onions should be. They are big, properly crunchy, and pickled in a traditional malt vinegar that provides a sharp, satisfying tang that fills the mouth without the artificial harshness of added acetic acid. None of that nonsense you get with lesser onions that taste like someone's dissolved a car battery in white vinegar and called it a day.

A jar of M&S pickled traditional onions sits open, revealing plump white onions floating in amber vinegar. The jar's label is clearly visible against a colourful knitted background.

The size is particularly noteworthy. These aren't the pathetic pearl onions that some manufacturers try to pass off as the real thing - the sort that look like they've been picked before puberty and bullied into a jar. No, these are proper, grown-up onions that have lived a bit, seen the world, and decided that their destiny was to be pickled to perfection.

Close-up of silver tongs extracting a perfectly round pickled onion from the jar, with more onions visible floating in the vinegar below. The tongs grip the onion like it's precious cargo.

I could quite happily eat these all day. However, my wife might have something to say about that, particularly when it comes to sharing a confined space afterwards. They are so good, in fact, that they're making me question my entire rating system. If I give these a 5/5, where do I go from here if I find a better onion? It feels too early in my pickled onion "career" to be awarding full marks. What if there's some perfect Uber-onion out there, pickled by virgin monks in ancient Tibetan vinegar? I'd have painted myself into a corner, ratings-wise.

The vinegar itself deserves a mention. It's proper malt vinegar, not the pale imitation spirit vinegar with added malt that some manufacturers use - the sort that tastes like it was made by someone who once heard a description of vinegar but had never actually tasted any. This is the real deal, the sort of vinegar that would complement a paper wrapper full of chip shop chips.

Close-up of the ingredients list on the jar's label, showing onions, barley malt vinegar (contains gluten), sugar, water, sea salt, and ground spices including ginger, cinnamon, and cloves.

My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that M&S have somehow managed to make even pickled onions feel slightly middle-class. I half expect to find a wine pairing recommendation on the label.

These are excellent. A benchmark against which all future onions will be judged. They've restored my faith in the British pickled onion industry, which, let's face it, had taken quite a battering after some of my previous reviews.

A near-perfect 4.5 onions out of 5.
🧅🧅🧅🧅🌗

(Deducting half a point partly for the rating system conundrum they've created, and partly because I refuse to believe that perfection can be achieved by a supermarket that also sells 20 different types of pumpkin.)

]]> Unjaring M&S Traditional Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unjaring-mands-traditional-pickled-onions.html 2025-09-07T16:37:04+01:00 Spontaneity, Elastic Bands, and Pickled Onions You know that feeling? That undeniable… ]]> A bald, bespectacled chap with an impressively purple-tinted beard holds up a jar of M&S pickled traditional onions to the camera. Behind him sits the controlled chaos of a home office-cum-recording studio, complete with a "theaardvark's Radio Show" poster, a rubber duck (because of course there is), and a bright blue door that's probably seen more drama than EastEnders. The expression suggests this pickle jar might contain either culinary gold or his greatest mistake - the sort of face one pulls when about to find out if yesterday's leftover curry was a brilliant idea or a terrible miscalculation.

Spontaneity, Elastic Bands, and Pickled Onions

You know that feeling? That undeniable urge to just do a thing that's been in your head for a while. It’s not planned, it’s not sensible, but it’s a mental itch that simply must be scratched. That’s what happened last night. The result? An impromptu, unpolished, and frankly amateurish video about unjaring a pot of M&S Traditional Pickled Onions.

The studio was a complete mess, a testament to a million half-finished projects. I’d done zero prep. There was no script, no proper lighting, and certainly no grand plan. I've got no camera set up, forcing me to jury-rig the camera (phone) with nothing more than an elastic band and a prayer. It was a recipe for disaster.

But then, the enthusiasm took over. It’s a funny thing, that spark. It tells you to ignore the chaos, to bypass the sensible part of your brain that’s screaming about professionalism and preparation. It just says, "Fuck it... let's just go with it."

And so I did. I hit record.

There’s a certain freedom in not bothering with a script. It’s the same energy that makes you take a different route home just to see where it goes, or start a project with no clear end in sight. It’s about embracing the moment, the raw, unfiltered impulse. This wasn’t going to be a cinematic masterpiece. It was going to be real.

Once the recording was done, the temptation was there to tidy it up. A bit of editing, some colour correction, maybe cut out the bit before I started properly. But that would have defeated the entire point. The spirit of the whole exercise was spontaneity. Polishing it would be like ironing a ripped t-shirt.

So, sod the post-production. That bastard was getting uploaded as is, in all its messy, elastic-band-enabled glory. Sometimes, you just have to capture the moment and let it be what it is.

You can see the mental run-up I was taking to what I thought was the start of the video.

And the onions themselves? Well, you'll have to watch to find out.

You can witness the glorious, unedited chaos here:

]]> Unboxing the Circular Ring 2 - an experiment theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/unboxing-the-circular-ring-2-an-experiment.html 2025-09-05T13:05:06+01:00 Here's something a bit different. I recently got my hands on the… ]]> A sleek smart ring in rose gold with a black interior sits on a wooden desk next to its square charging case, alongside a white "CIRCULAR" branded box promising to "#ElevateYourLife" - which is quite optimistic. A cartoon aardvark peeks cheekily from sign in the background, presumably judging my latest gadget purchase.

Here's something a bit different. I recently got my hands on the Circular Ring 2 – a "smart" ring that's meant to monitor your health rather than just track exercise. It's a fairly discreet bit of kit, but I can't comment on how well it actually works yet, as it's currently in a "calibration" phase for the first few days.

In the meantime, I decided to film the unboxing, partly out of curiosity and partly to see if I could actually do it. This marks my first attempt at creating such content, and I'm eager to share my initial impressions and insights.

Unboxing on camera feels a little bit weird. Like throwing your own surprise party with no guests.

As always, constructive feedback is welcome, so feel free to share your thoughts!

]]> Pickled Onion Review #3: Sarson's Superb Silverskin Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-3-sarsons-superb-silverskin-onions.html 2025-09-05T12:23:02+01:00 theaardvark’s law on product names: If they have to put a positive… ]]> A jar of Sarson's Superb Silverskin onions sits on a wooden surface against a colourful fabric backdrop featuring bold red, orange, yellow, and turquoise stripes. The orange and burgundy label promises "bring crunch with a distinctive tang" - ambitious claims for what is a merely acceptable addition to a pickled onion enthusiast's pantry.

theaardvark’s law on product names: If they have to put a positive adjective in the product title, you can guarantee it won’t apply. “Quality Hotels”, “Innocent Smoothies, almost anything with the word “premium” in the name….. and “Sarsons Superb Silverskin Onions”.

The jar, in a rather optimistic font, describes its contents as possessing "crunch with a distinctive tang". A bold claim, and one that demands immediate and serious investigation. After all, in the world of pickled onions, a distinctive tang is not merely a feature; it is the entire point.

Upon opening, the onions themselves look... well, like small onions. No surprises there. I don’t understand the obsession with using silverskin onions to pickle. They’re just too small for me.

The crunch is present, one must concede. But the "distinctive tang"? It seems the marketing department was having a particularly enthusiastic day. There is definitely a tang, in the same way that a single, distant firework could be described as a "display". It’s a fleeting, apologetic hint of what could have been.

A single pale silverskin onion sits speared on a small silver pickle fork, ready for tasting. The onion has that translucent quality you want to see - suggesting it's been properly pickled through, though only the actual taste will reveal whether Sarson's has achieved the right balance.

A closer inspection of the ingredients list reveals the source of this culinary mediocrity. No acetic acid, which is a promising start, but then the corner-cutting begins. They've scrimped on the vinegar, opting not for proper malt vinegar but for a rather sad "spirit vinegar with barley malt added". It's like wanting a pint of real ale and being handed a warm can of lager-shandy. To add insult to injury, there's an unnecessary, fake sweetness from added sugar, presumably to distract from the general lack of vinegary conviction.

The jar's back label reveals a fairly standard ingredients list: silverskin onions, water, spirit vinegar, sugar, salt, and the usual preservatives.

Ultimately, these are acceptable, everyday pickled onions. They will not offend. They will not excite. They will certainly not set your world alight. They are the beige Vauxhall Viva of the pickled onion world: perfectly functional, utterly forgettable.

A profoundly adequate 3 onions out of 5.
🧅🧅🧅❌❌

]]> F1: The Movie - I Came to Hate, I Stayed Because It Looked Fucking Awesome theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/f1-the-movie-i-came-to-hate-i-stayed-because-it-looked-fucking-awesome.html 2025-08-31T23:21:30+01:00 Shallow AF Reviews is for anyone who's sick of pretentious film critics… ]]> Brad Pitt stands heroically beside a Formula 1 car, wearing pristine racing overalls and sporting the kind of ruggedly handsome stubble that suggests he's never actually changed a tyre. The cinematic lighting and dramatic pose scream "I'm definitely the coolest 60-year-old on the grid" whilst the movie poster promises yet another Hollywood take on motorsport that'll probably make actual F1 fans wince.

Shallow AF Reviews is for anyone who's sick of pretentious film critics wanking on about "thematic depth" and "cinematic language" like they're curing cancer. Honestly, who gives a toss about the mise-en-scène when you just want to know if the new blockbuster is a load of shite or not? These reviews cut the crap, ditch the film-school jargon, and tell you, with a healthy dose of sarcasm and profanity, whether a film is actually worth two hours of your rapidly dwindling life. It’s less about intellectual masturbation and more about whether it’s entertaining. Simple as that.

Alright, let's get this over with. As a proper F1 fan, I sat down "F1: The Movie" fully expecting to despise every single second. My arms were crossed, my cynical bastard mode was fully engaged, and I was ready to rip this Hollywood garbage a new one.

Another racing film, probably as realistic as a Lada wining the Le Mans, right? I was prepared for two hours of sanitised, dumbed-down shite for people who think DRS is a delivery company.

But here's the thing... the bastards actually made me... like it.

Don't get me wrong, the plot is utterly ridiculous. Brad Pitt, looking suspiciously good for a bloke who's meant to be an ageing has-been, makes a comeback after 30 years? And he's immediately competitive? Pull the other one, it's got bells on. The story has more holes than a Tory party promise and makes about as much sense. It's Top Gun style cheesy, clichéd, and the way they treat the actual rules of F1 will make any real fan wince. It's the kind of plot that feels like it was written by someone whose entire knowledge of motorsport comes from playing Mario Kart.

But—and this is a big but—the reason I didn't walk out is simple: the racing scenes are fucking spectacular. Watch it on a big a screen as you can, with as loud a sound system as you can, you won't be disappointed.

Honestly, the on-track action is incredible. The camera work puts you right in the cockpit, making you feel the G-force and the sheer chaos of it all in a way I've never seen before. It's intense, visceral, and just looks bloody brilliant. They clearly spent the entire budget on making the cars look cool as fuck, and you know what? Money well spent.

A helmeted F1 driver sits in the cockpit of a racing car, bathed in golden sunlight that makes the whole scene look like a luxury watch advert. The helmet's covered in sponsor logos including "Shark Ninja" - because apparently even fictional F1 teams need kitchen appliance endorsements these days. The dramatic lighting suggests this is either the most important qualifying lap in cinema history or Brad Pitt's having another midlife crisis moment.

So, yeah. I wanted to hate it. I really, truly did. The story is a load of old bollocks. But did it keep me entertained? Absolutely. It's a classic case of style over substance, but when the style is this good, who gives a toss about the substance?

I'd give it 4 beers out of a 6-pack. It's dumb, but it's fun dumb.

🍺🍺🍺🍺❌❌

]]> Pickled Onion Review #2: Tesco Tangy and Crisp Pickled Onions theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-2-tesco-tangy-and-crisp-pickled-onions.html 2025-08-31T18:37:32+01:00 Lately, I've found myself developing an almost unhealthy obsession with pickled onions. ]]> A jar of Tesco pickled onions sits on a wooden surface against the ornate backdrop of a Klimt painting, with its characteristic swirling patterns and geometric designs in blues, golds, and earth tones. The jar contains plump white onions floating in amber-coloured vinegar, looking considerably more promising than their Stockwell & Co rivals. The label boldly claims they're "tangy & crisp" - words that fill one with cautious optimism after recent pickled onion disappointments. Rather fitting that they're posed against such artistic splendour, really.

Lately, I've found myself developing an almost unhealthy obsession with pickled onions. Yes, pickled onions!

One moment I was simply existing day to day, vaguely aware of this tangy delight, and the next, I’m consuming jars like  it’s the newest dietary obsession.

Is my body suddenly craving a rare nutrient that can only be found in the vinegary depths of an onion jar? Or perhaps it’s how they supress the constant hunger caused by my antidepressants? Is my inner id crying, “More vinegar! Less existential dread!” Who knew that my path to happiness would be paved with pickled onions?

So let's turn this craving into something "useful".... online content. That's what the kids want today, isn't it - online reviews of some niche product by a newly converted zealot. Forget unboxing videos of the latest tech - let's unjar some onions live on camera and really live on the edge. Maybe this is why I finally crack and set-up a TikTok account.

A top-down view into an opened glass jar reveals about eight small, translucent pickled onions floating in rich amber-coloured vinegar. The thick glass rim frames the contents as they sit submerged in their golden brine on a weathered wooden surface with visible grain patterns. Behind the jar, an intricate section of Klimt painting displays his signature swirling spirals, geometric mosaics, and jewel-toned patterns in blues, golds, and emerald greens - providing rather grand artistic company for what turned out to be a perfectly adequate, if slightly artificial, pickled onion experience.

So, after the profound disappointment of the Stockwell variety, I approached my next jar, also from Tesco, with a degree of scepticism. This time, it's Tesco's own-brand "Tangy and Crisp" pickled onions. A step up in the branding, at least.

A close-up of a product label showing the top line which reads "Onions pickled in spirit vinegar" in white text on a brown background - a refreshingly honest description that doesn't oversell what's essentially vegetables having a bit of a soak in some artificially reinforced vinegar.

First impressions are decent. The onions are a respectable size – not the tiny, disappointing bullets you sometimes find. Big enough to bite through, or to fill your mouth for a good chew. You're not popping them like pills. And true to their name, they have a good, solid crunch. So far, so good.

A pale, translucent pickled onion sits impaled on a small silver cocktail fork, balanced precariously across the rim of its glass jar like a reluctant diver contemplating the plunge back into the amber depths below. The fork's metallic surface catches the light against the sumptuous backdrop of Klimt's swirling golden spirals and jewel-encrusted mosaics - rather like presenting a modest pub snack on a Renaissance altar. The onion itself appears to have accepted its fate with typical British stoicism.

The flavour is where things get a bit more complicated. There's a definite tang, a world away from the watery nonsense of the "Stockwell" counterparts. However, it feels a bit... forced; artificial. A quick glance at the ingredients confirms my suspicions: both acetic acid and salt are listed. It feels a bit like cheating, doesn't it? Some of that bite isn't; it's saltiness. A shortcut to a sharpness that should come from the pickling process, not from just throwing more acid and salt at it.

A close-up of an ingredients list in white text on a brown label, revealing the rather lengthy chemical composition behind what should be simple pickled onions: onion, water, spirit vinegar, salt, acetic acid, malted barley extract, and a small chemistry set of preservatives including sodium hydrogen sulphite and sodium metabisulphite. Rather puts you off your lunch when you realise how much effort it takes to pickle an onion these days.

Overall, they're a significant improvement. They have the requisite crunch and a tang that will certainly wake you up. But the flavour has an artificial edge that stops them from being truly great. A solid mid-tier effort, but the search for the perfect pickled onion continues.

3 Onions out of 5, a decent supermarket own-brand
🧅🧅🧅❌❌

#Food #PickledOnions #FoodReview

]]> Pickled Onion Review #1: Stockwell Pickled Onions from Tesco theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pickled-onion-review-1-stockwell-pickled-onions-from-tesco.html 2025-08-30T14:51:44+01:00 So, I've decided to turn my 20-a-day pickled onion "habit" into something… ]]> A glass jar of Stockwell & Co pickled onions sits on a wooden worktop, looking about as enthusiastic as the onions inside - which appear rather anaemic and floating listlessly in their "vinegar and acetic acid" like they've given up on life. The blue label promises quality since 1924, though the pale, unappetising contents suggest standards may have slipped a touch.

So, I've decided to turn my 20-a-day pickled onion "habit" into something vaguely productive. Welcome to what might be the world's most niche blog series: reviewing pickled onions. Because, why not? Maybe I can become a pickled onion influencer. It's a glamorous life, I'm sure.

First up: Stockwell Pickled Onions from Tesco

In a word... shit.

Described on the jar as "pickled in vinegar and acetic acid," but they might as well have just been soaked in lukewarm water for a few days. There's absolutely no tang, no bite, no satisfying acidic kick that makes your jaw tingle. It's a weak, watery affair that left me feeling profoundly let down.

These might have some utility as an introductory-level pickled onion. "Baby's First Pickled Onion" would be a better name. They're for people who are scared of flavour but want to pretend they're adventurous. If you're looking to gently introduce a toddler to the world of pickling, this might be your jar. For anyone else, it's a waste of a good onion.

The texture is okay, I suppose. There's a crunch. But a crunch without the accompanying vinegar-laced punch is like a punchline without a joke. Pointless.

My rating? One onion out of five. And that feels generous. I'm only giving it one because it was, technically, an onion in a jar.
🧅❌❌❌❌

The quest for a decent pickled onion continues. Surely it can only get better from here.

#food #PickledOnions #FoodReview

]]> Expend4bles - A Shallow AF Review theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/expend4bles-a-shallow-af-review.html 2025-05-05T23:08:29+01:00 Tired of pretentious film reviews banging on about "character arcs" and "thematic… ]]> Movie poster for "The Expendables 4" showing a line of aging action stars including Statham, Stallone, 50 Cent, Fox, Lundgren, and others against a red and green explosion background. The tagline reads "OLD BLOOD MEETS NEW BLOOD" above the title "EXPEND4BLES" with a September 22 release date. Just another desperate attempt to squeeze money from a franchise that should've been put in a retirement home three films ago, featuring the usual suspects of actors who apparently can't say no to a paycheck.

Tired of pretentious film reviews banging on about "character arcs" and "thematic resonance" when all you want to know is if the explosions look cool? Welcome to "Shallow As Fuck Movie Reviews" – for people who'd rather enjoy films than dissect them like frogs in a biology class. We won't bore you with film-school waffle about "mise-en-scène" or "negative space" – just straight talk about whether it's worth two hours of your increasingly precious life. Consider us the antidote to critics who think wearing black turtlenecks somehow makes their opinions matter more than yours.

The Expendables 4 - or "Expend4bles" as no one with functioning brain cells is calling it - marks the fourth instalment in Sylvester Stallone's retirement fund collection, cleverly disguised as an action franchise.

The previous trilogy wasn't exactly challenging Dostoevsky for philosophical depth (translation: they were dumber than a rock in boxing gloves), but they were enjoyable enough romps. So what about this fourth cash extraction exercise?

It's fucking awful. Not just garden-variety terrible, but the sort of cinematic catastrophe that makes you question whether everyone involved lost a particularly nasty bet.
The plot unfolds with all the suspense and mystery of a motorway exit sign, and the "twists" are about as surprising as finding beans in a tin of beans.

The soundtrack appears to have been composed by someone actively trying to get fired, achieving the remarkable feat of making elevator music sound like Beethoven by comparison. It's only redeeming quality is that you could buy the soundtrack album as a cure for insomnia.

The special effects department clearly spent their budget on lunch, particularly the CGI blood spurts that look like someone attacked the film with MS Paint circa 1998. Half the movie was so obviously green-screened that I began to wonder if the actors had ever actually met each other.

Do yourself a favour worthy of sainthood – give this one a wide berth.

I'd give it one finger out of five. And yes, it's exactly the finger you're thinking of. 

]]> Fixing "Publii cannot find your sites folder". theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/fixing-publii-cannot-find-your-sites-folder.html 2025-05-05T20:23:01+01:00 I'm using Pulbii for this site and MrsVark's Wheely Happy Days site. ]]> Windows error message with a red circular icon showing an X. The message reads: 'Publi cannot find your sites folder. Please check if the directory C:\Users\peeps\OneDrive\Documents\Public\sites exists or create it manually, then reopen the application.'

I'm using Pulbii for this site and MrsVark's Wheely Happy Days site.

So that I can use it on multiple devices, I have the "sites folder" saved in my OneDrive account.

A Windows file explorer window showing a folder path. The directory path reads 'C:\Users\Paul\OneDrive\Documents\Public\sites'. Bloody typical Windows, a file path more complicated than the London Underground map.

However, every now and then when I fire up Publii on a different device to the one I've most recently been using, I get an error message before the app fires up.

Windows error message with a red circular icon showing an X. The message reads: 'Publi cannot find your sites folder. Please check if the directory C:\Users\peeps\OneDrive\Documents\Public\sites exists or create it manually, then reopen the application.' Typical Microsoft - always assuming I remember where I put things. As if I can find anything on my computer after a few pints.

This prevents you opening Publii and you can't, therefore, change the setting in app.

I did a quick Qwant search but all of the suggested solution involved changing the location of the Files folder to match the one in the error message then moving it back using the app. And, bejeebus that'd be a faff.

The easier answer is to edit the "app-config.json" file. For my installation on my main PC, this is installed on my OneDrive documents folder. Your mileage may vary, but I guess you're looking for "Publii/config".

Screenshot of a Windows File Explorer window showing the contents of a 'config' folder. The navigation path reads 'This PC > Documents > Publi > config'. Two JSON configuration files are displayed: 'app-config.json' and 'window-config.json', both with green checkmarks indicating they're synchronized. About as exciting as watching paint dry, but at least my files are properly sorted for once.

 

Inside that file, you can edit the "sitesLocation" directly.

Snippet of a JSON configuration file with various settings. The code shows configuration parameters including 'openDevToolsInPreview' set to false, 'resizeEngine' set to 'sharp', and a file path pointing to 'C:\Users\Paul\OneDrive\Documents\Publi\sites'. Other settings include time format set to '24h' and 'closeEditorOnSave' set to true. Reminds me of when I try to assemble IKEA furniture—technical instructions that make perfect sense to someone, but certainly not to me.

This has happened to me several times, and each time I've had to search for the solution. But this time, I couldn't find it online and had to dumbly blunder around in the various program files and folders online in order to find the solution. So I'm posting it here as much for my own purposes as for anyone else.

]]> The Game (I lost!) theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-game-i-lost.html 2025-03-31T21:51:55+01:00 The text below is copied verbatim from a blog post I made on 10th August 2002 on blogspot.com. This blogpost is recognised on Wikipedia as the first online record of The Game.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you about 'The Game'. I have no idea where or when this started. I found out about it online about 6 months ago. I'd quite like to know the origins of 'The Game' because it is intensely irritating.

Firstly, a disclaimer - anyone who decides to join 'The Game' cannot blame me for any psychological damage caused

Okay, there is only one rule to 'The Game' - if you think about the game, you lose. When you lose you have to declare it; you have to say out loud "I lost". Once you've said that, anyone else playing the game around you will lose and will have to declare it too.

Once you've forgotten about 'The Game' you stop losing.

As I am telling you about 'The Game' I have lost and so are you because you're thinking about 'The Game'. But you will go away and forget about 'The Game' and you will stop losing. Until someone says something or you see something that makes you think of 'The Game'.

]]> Plastic Jesuses: The Original #OneSongOnePlaylist Resurrected theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/plastic-jesuses-the-original-onesongoneplaylist-resurrected.html 2025-03-30T02:47:56+01:00 Like the horrendous lefty wokerati social-justice-warrior that I am, I have abandoned… ]]> A glowing plastic Jesus figurine on a car dashboard, complete with heavenly halo, while an army of multi-coloured Jesuses float outside the windscreen. The rear-view mirror reads 'Jesuit Jesuit' – apparently even divine navigation needs a backup. Your dashboard saviour and his technicolour dream choir, ready to protect you."

Like the horrendous lefty wokerati social-justice-warrior that I am, I have abandoned the Trump administration supporting Spotify, the home of Joe Rogan's right-wing misinformation.

Since doing so, I've wanted to resurrect my "#OneSongOnePlaylist" series in my streaming service of choice, Qobuz, the slightly less ethically questionable, allegedly higher audio quality alternative.

For those who've somehow managed to avoid my banging on about it, #OneSongOnePlaylist is precisely what it says on the tin - one song performed by multiple artists gathered into a single playlist. Some people might suggest this is a form of musical self-harm, but I prefer to think of it as "deep diving into creative interpretations."

Plastic Jesuses was the very first in this now sporadic series. Created initially on Spotify before I told them to sod off due to their cosy relationship with the orange one's regime, I've now meticulously recreated it on Qobuz. And by "meticulously", I mean I typed "Plastic Jesus" into Qobuz's search bar and spent far too long listening to what that spat out to see if they were the correct "Plastic Jesus", not just a song with that title (there are a frankly incredible number of different songs called Plastic Jesus or something very similar).

The Bizarre Origin Story

"Plastic Jesus" was born from the depths of 1950s American radio weirdness. Written by Ed Rush and George Cromarty in 1957, the song was inspired by some batshit crazy religious radio broadcasts from Del Rio, Texas. Apparently, there was a dentist-cum-religious-fanatic who was flogging "magical healing" snake oil over the airwaves with lines like "leaning on the arms of Jesus, wrapped in the bosom of the Lord."

Rush and Cromarty, having a good laugh at this nonsense, recorded it as The Goldcoast Singers in 1962 as a spoof commercial segment on their album "Here They Are! The Goldcoast Singers." It was essentially taking the piss out of commercial religion before taking the piss out of commercial religion was cool. The song, however, only appeared as 25 25-second bit at the end of the sketch before "click"; the channel was turned off.

The song later gained more mainstream recognition when Paul Newman strummed it in "Cool Hand Luke" (1967), which is where most people think it originated. But no, like most good bits of Americana, it began as a satirical response to religious capitalism run amok. How very bloody fitting.

The Oddly Listenable Collection

Unlike some of my other #OneSongOnePlaylist collections (I'm looking at you, "Last Christmas", with your 235 versions spanning 13 hours and 39 minutes of yuletide torture), "Plastic Jesuses" is actually pleasant to listen to for extended periods. I can actually sing along to the whole bloody lot without losing my mind.

The sheer range of interpretations is astounding. It's like watching different directors remake the same film - from art house to blockbuster to low-budget indie, each bringing their own vision to the material.

Standout Versions

Billy Idol's version sounds exactly as you'd imagine - sneering, laid-back, punky, and somehow making religious kitsch sound as acceptable as 80s rock got. He manages to inject his trademark rebel yell into what is essentially a novelty song, which is no small feat.

The Flaming Lips version is, predictably, a psychedelic journey that makes you feel like your dashboard Jesus is melting while winking at you. Coyne's vocals float over layers of fuzzy guitars and otherworldly effects that transform the simple tune into something from another dimension entirely.

The Twits take a folk-punk approach that would make a perfect soundtrack for a road trip in a rust-bucket car with, yes, a plastic Jesus on the dashboard. There's something charmingly ramshackle about their interpretation that captures the spirit of the original.

Jason Titley's acoustic rendition strips everything back to basics, allowing the inherent absurdity of the lyrics to shine through. It's perhaps the most faithful to the song's satirical roots, delivered with just enough sincerity to make you question whether he's in on the joke (he is).

The Great Migration

Recreating this playlist on Qobuz after my principled flounce away from Spotify has been an exercise in both nostalgia and bewilderment. The platform has a very (not really, it's just slightly) different array of artists, so the versions are mostly, but not wholly, familiar. I quickly realised exactly why I first did this weird thing, but then not-so-slowly started to question why I ever did this fucking bizarre thing.

Suppose you're as fed up with Spotify's ethical gymnastics as I am. In that case, you can find my reborn "Plastic Jesuses" playlist on Qobuz. It's 1 hour and 49 minutes of the same bloody song, each version different enough to keep you engaged but similar enough to make you question your life choices by the halfway mark.

And if you don't like it, well, there's always my 7½ hour, 96-version "Baker Street" playlist to really test your sanity.

If you've made it this far without questioning both my sanity and your life choices, the playlist link is below. Feel free to judge me accordingly in the comments.

https://open.qobuz.com/playlist/31079656

Next week: Why I spent an entire weekend creating a playlist of nothing but covers of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and how it affected my marriage.

]]> The Electric State (2025) - A Shallow AF Review theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-electric-state-2025-a-shallow-af-review.html 2025-03-16T00:21:53+00:00 Sick of those stuck-up movie critics with their heads up their asses?… ]]> A promo image for the movie "The Electric State". It features a cartoonish robot's spherical yellow head looking straight out of the image.

Sick of those stuck-up movie critics with their heads up their asses? Tired of reading bullshit about "narrative arcs" and "cinematography" when all you wanna know is if the movie kicks ass? Welcome to "Shallow As Fuck Movie Reviews" - where we don't give a damn about "artistic merit" or that pretentious crap.

Think Blade Runner (the original) meets Ready Player One with a fuck-tonne of Star Wars style cutesy robots—like Ridley Scott had decided to swap existential dread for pocket-sized companions that would look smashing on a lunchbox.
That's The Electric State (2025).

Millie Bobby Brown continues her reign as Netflix's Stream Queen, delivering her signature performance that's neither spectacular nor disastrous—much like scrolling through Netflix itself when you can't decide what to watch. There's the obligatory child-genius who, naturally, possesses technological prowess that NASA would find a tad implausible. And loads of people get killed in fights. Except it's a (12) rated film, so they're (mostly) robots, which is somehow morally acceptable despite the central theme hammering home that these robots are as alive as people—a philosophical conundrum the film addresses with all the depth of a puddle in the Sahara.

It seems to be getting a critical panning, but (much like Ready Player One) it kept me entertained for 2 and a bit hours, rather like how I'm entertained watching bad parallel parking.

I'd give it 5 beers out of a 6-pack. 🍺🍺🍺🍺🥛 I'm saving that last beer for when I finally convince myself that all those CGI robots weren't just glorified Funko Pops with speaking parts.

More intellectual note.. if you want an idea of what the source material (Simon Stålenhag's graphic novel The Electric State) could have become, watch the series Tales from the Loop. It's fantastic, mind-bending TV.

]]> How I Built purpleaardvark.uk: A Random Meme Generator Website theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/how-i-built-purpleaardvarkuk-a-random-meme-generator-website.html 2025-03-15T22:18:38+00:00 Ever fancied having your own website that does nothing but display photos… ]]> A shite meme generated on purpleaardvark.uk

Ever fancied having your own website that does nothing but display photos of yourself with random meme text? No? Well, I did it anyway, and here's how I built purpleaardvark.uk.

The Initial Concept

It started with a drunk (and hence unfunny) "joke"... the URL purpleaardvark.uk was available and I'm a purple aardvark, or to be precise, I'm "theaardvark" and I have a long purple beard.

I bought the domain for £0 for 1 year, which still feels overpriced for what I've done with it. Nothing says 'fiscally responsible' like getting something for free and then spending hours making it utterly useless. But then wasn't sure what to do with it. So I thought I'd create a website that would show photos of me. Just that. Nothing else. Peak narcissism, I know, but hear me out.

My HTML skills extend to changing the font on my MySpace page circa 2006, so naturally I turned to AI for help; the LLM AI claude.ai. The digital equivalent of asking someone else to change a lightbulb because you're afraid of electricity.

My initial prompt to Claude was straightforward:

"I want to create a website that shows nothing but photos of me. The webpage should be a responsive page of just a photo that changes every 30 seconds. Write the HTML and CSS files."

Claude promptly generated a simple responsive website with a full-screen slideshow function. The code included smooth transitions between images, worked on all screen sizes, and had a clean, distraction-free layout with a black background to make the photos stand out.

Making It More Interesting

A slideshow is fine, but predictable. So I asked Claude to spice things up:

"rewrite so the first image is random, or pseudo random"

Now the website would start with a different photo each time someone visited. Much more exciting, isn't it? (Narrator: It wasn't.)

Adding My Personal Touch

Next, I customized the code with my domain information and actual image paths:

<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
<base href="https://purpleaardvark.uk" target="_blank">
    <meta charset="UTF-8">
    <meta name="description" content="Purple Aardvark">
    <meta name="keywords" content="Purple Aardvark">
    <meta name="author" content="theaardvark">
    <!-- more code here -->

I also tweaked the slideshow to rotate images every 20 seconds instead of 30. Because apparently, my attention span is precisely that short.

Meme-ifying My Face

A slideshow of my face wasn't quite narcissistic enough, so I decided to add meme text:

"Edit the code to place meme-style text on top of each image."

Claude updated the code to add classic meme-style text with Impact font, white color, and black outline for maximum readability (and maximum cringe). The text was positioned at the top and bottom of each image, just like a proper internet meme from 2012.

Making It Dynamic

Having static meme text would get boring rather quickly, so I wanted to make it more dynamic:

"rewrite so that the meme text is pulled from a separate csv file. In the csv file each meme text is on a separate line with top and bottom texts separated by a '/'"

Now I could update all my meme captions by just editing a CSV file without touching the HTML. But why stop there?

"Rewrite so that the meme text is chosen at random from the csv file each time a new image is shown. The csv file will have many lines of possible text."

With this update, even with just a few images, the slideshow would feel different each time someone visited. Each photo would display with a random caption from my collection, creating countless unique combinations.

The Meme Arsenal

Of course, I needed a substantial collection of meme texts for this to work properly, so I asked for:

"Write a meme-text.csv file with 100 random, humorous meme-style texts that would suit a photo of a man looking in to camera."

The result was an absolutely brilliant* collection of self-deprecating, relatable meme texts including gems like:

  • "When someone asks if I'm listening/My brain trying to remember what they just said"
  • "Nobody:/Me checking if my phone is still in my pocket for the 47th time"
  • "When the waiter says 'enjoy your meal'/And you reply 'you too'"
  • "When your boss asks about the project/That you haven't started yet"

The Final Result

So what did we end up with? purpleaardvark.uk - A website that:

  1. Loads with a random photo of me
  2. Displays it with randomly selected meme text on top and bottom
  3. Changes to a new photo every 20 seconds
  4. Applies a fresh random meme text to each new photo
  5. Has a collection of 100 different possible meme texts

All of this with fairly minimal HTML, CSS, and JavaScript. The entire thing could be hosted as static files with no backend required.

The entire website was conceived and developed while inebriated on Magner's Cider, proving that British engineering innovation peaks at approximately 4.5% ABV. Nothing quite sparks creativity like apple-based alcoholic inspiration. It is, I suppose, marginally more interesting than watching paint dry. Though at least paint eventually changes color permanently.

Meta-Blog

In perhaps the most meta move of all, I asked Claude to write this very blog post using my own prompts as quotes and summarizing its outputs. I specifically asked it to "Use my style of humour" and target a "British English" audience, which I assume means it sprinkled in some self-deprecation and avoided spelling "color" incorrectly.

So yes, this entire blog post was generated by AI based on our conversation about creating purpleaardvark.uk. If you find it amusing, thank Claude. If you find it terribly unfunny, well, blame my prompt for asking it to mimic my sense of humour.

Now excuse me while I go stare at random photos of myself with meme text for the next few hours. It's not weird if it's on a website, right?

*theaardvark's note - this was Claude calling its own output "absolutely brilliant". Well done, Claude you smug bastard.

Update 1 (16th March 2025): Since writing the blog post, we've thrown a few extra bells and whistles at purpleaardvark.uk - because apparently, random photos of me with meme text wasn't quite narcissistic enough.

We added lazy loading for images, which is developer-speak for "only loading what's needed" - a concept I wish my shopping habits would adopt. This makes the site snappier and means I can add even more photos of myself without breaking the internet.

We slapped on an info button that explains the site's existence to confused visitors, with a link to the blog post for those who, inexplicably, want to recreate this monument to self-indulgence. There's also a next button and swipe functionality for the impatient types who can't wait 20 seconds for more purple-bearded wisdom.

The finishing touches include proper favicons (so my little purple aardvark can haunt your browser tabs) and a site header in a font that looks like I wrote it myself after a few Magners. All essential improvements to a website that still fundamentally exists because I got a free URL and have too much time on my hands.

]]> Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/fish-finger-and-scampi-nik-naks-sandwich.html 2025-03-14T22:29:56+00:00 After setting up the weblog, I had a flurry of posts to… ]]> A Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich cut in half and photographed after one bite, revealing its architectural cross-section of pure culinary chaos. White bread bookends a garish orange filling where processed cheese attempts to contain an escaping avalanche of neon Nik Naks and beige fish fingers. The sandwich sits on a plain white plate atop what appears to be a desk with a gaming keyboard visible in the background - evidence that someone willingly transported this creation to a workplace, likely in violation of several unwritten laws of lunch etiquette and possibly the Geneva Convention.

After setting up the weblog, I had a flurry of posts to make, some of which had been kicking around my head for a long time, just waiting for an opportunity to be written and published. But then nothing for quite a while, eh?

Well, I have a total doozy of a post to break that duck. This weblog is about to break into the world of food and recipe blogging.

Research tells me that I should show you a picture of the end result somewhere near the start of the post (see above), but that I then have to pad out the post with tons of text about how life has brought me to this moment and to preparing a Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich before actually giving you the recipe.

I should, I believe, also repeat the title Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich (that's Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich) as often as possible for SEO reasons or something.

Pointless made-up personal background

Every culinary journey begins with a single bite. Mine began with a question that has haunted philosophers and late-night snackers alike since the middle of this-afternoon: 'What if we combined the elegant sophistication of fish fingers with the complex bouquet of artificial scampi flavouring?'

My grandmother, who survived the war by making do with whatever ingredients were available (I assume - I never actually talked to either of them about the war years), would be proud of this innovation. Though she never combined processed fish products with overly aromatic corn snacks, her spirit of culinary adventure lives on through me.

Scampi Nik Naks

Despite, or maybe because of, not being overly fond of fishy-tasting food and/or seafood, I'm a huge fan of KP Snacks' Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks. Similarly, I love the Brit-pub favourite Smith's Scampi Fries.

The image shows a close-up of the "SCAMPI 'n' LEMON" text on what appears to be Nik Naks packaging. It features bold white text against a vivid green background with black splatter-style graphics, capturing the loud, artificial aesthetic typical of snack food branding that proudly announces its synthetic flavour with all the subtlety of a foghorn at a library.

Oddly suitable for vegetarians and vegans and hated by the romantic partners of people who eat them, Scampi Nik Naks have been a supermarket favourite since 2008.

I'm only allowed to eat them when MrsVark and I are not going to be spending the evening together.

The Fish Finger and Scampi Fries Sandwich

This recipe is inspired by a Fish Finger and Scampi Fries Sandwich that MrsVark saw on Instagram. I fully intended to recreate that sandwich but when I went to the local corner shop for supplies, they had sold out of Scampi Fries, so Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks it was.

Fish Fingers?

Why am I making a fish finger sandwich if I dislike seafood?

When I was a child, my mum used to make kedgeree quite regularly with smoked kipper. The whole house would stink like a fish market on fire and I hated it. The food itself would be full of fish bones that got stuck in my throat. I quickly learned to hate the food and, in turn, the smell and the taste.

My parents were of the "if you don't eat the food you're given, then you don't eat" school of parenting. The one advantage of the house smelling of smoked kipper was that I knew to quickly head out and spend my pocket money on some chips because I wouldn't be eating at dinner time.

So, I don't like the taste of fish. But many types of fish fingers don't taste too much of fish. The cheap version that are made of recycled cardboard that have been shown a picture of a fish is entirely my bag. They taste of grilled breadcrumbs and filler. I can work with that.

The Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwich Recipe

Here comes the science bit....

Well, I think it's more engineering than science to be fair. There's very little chemistry or physics involved but a fair amount of construction.

Ingredients (makes 1 sandwich):

  • 2 slices white bread, preferably from a loaf that makes no nutritional claims whatsoever. Artisanal sourdough would be insulted by what we're about to do to it.
  • Spreadable butter, cos who has time or patience to spread real butter on cheap white bread.
  • 1 x pack of Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks, providing that authentic 'may have once been in the same room as a Dover sole' flavour profile.
  • 2 x slices US style processed cheese shite.
  • 4 x fish fingers, cooked to that perfect balance of 'hot enough not to cause food poisoning' but 'cool enough not to burn the roof of your mouth beyond recognition'.

Directions (honestly, if you can't work it out from the list of ingredients, then there's no helping you. but I took photos, so I'm bloody going to use them):

1) Butter the bread.

Two slices of aggressively plain white bread, slathered with butter and arranged on a plate with all the artistic flair of a tax return. A tub of cheap, knock-off 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' lurks in the background, presumably embarrassed to be associated with this culinary adventure. A can of Four Loko stands guard nearby, sensibly waiting to numb the taste buds of whoever's about to eat this.

2) Pile the Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks onto the bottom slice of bread. Ensure the Nik Naks are evenly distributed across the bread as failure to do so may result in flavour imbalance, sandwich structural integrity issues, and possibly the complete collapse of your self-respect.

Stage two of our gourmet journey: A slice of white bread with a mountain of unnaturally orange Nik Naks dumped unceremoniously on top. The £1.25 price tag on the Nik Naks packet serves as a bitter reminder that you could have spent that money on literally anything else. The Four Loko, still waiting patiently to make this entire experience tolerable.

3) Cover with the slices of questionable cheese (processed cheese is essential here... don't go thinking about swapping it out for actual British cheddar or similar... the heat from the fish fingers melts the cheese, and that's what holds the Nik Naks in place)

The plot thickens, as does the sandwich, with the addition of processed cheese slices that appear to have been peeled directly from their plastic wrapping approximately 4 seconds ago. The neon orange Nik Naks now entombed beneath cheese that's the exact same shade as a 1970s kitchen appliance.

4) Carefully layer on the cooked and still-warm fish fingers

The pièce de résistance arrives - four beige fish fingers carefully arranged atop the cheese like rectangular soldiers preparing for gastronomic battle. The fish fingers, having never been anywhere near an actual fish, look oddly proud of their promotion from freezer to plate status.

5) Take a swig of whatever Dutch-courage you're accompanying your sandwich with because the next step needs nerves of steel

6) Place the second slice of bread on the top of the sandwich, butter side down.

7) Slice in half to make handling easier during the consumption experience.

The completed masterpiece, sliced in half to reveal its architectural cross-section - a tragic layer cake of white bread, processed cheese, fish fingers and Nik Naks. A knife rests nearby, either for additional sandwich preparation or as a weapon against whoever suggested making this in the first place.

Drinks pairing for Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Naks Sandwiches

The bold flavours of Fish Finger and Scampi Nik Nak Sandwiches demand no-nonsense, down-to-earth beverages to go with them. I recommend a Stella Artois or a Magner Cider. Or, as shown in the serving suggestion photo, a mystery-fruit-flavoured 8.5% Four Loko from the artisan Drink Four Brewing Co distillery.

Nutritional Information

This sandwich contains approximately 3,742 calories, 94g of fat, and enough sodium to make your doctor wince at your next check-up. It provides 0% of your recommended daily intake of anything like actual nutrition but 100% of your daily requirement for alcohol-fuelled, regrettable late-night decisions.

FAQ

Q: Could I use wholemeal bread for a healthier option?

A: I mean, you could, but that would be like wearing a seatbelt while skydiving. The damage is already done..

Q: How long does this sandwich keep?

A: Why? Have you cooked/created it but now that you look at it you suddenly have no appetite? Well, it contains ingredients that would probably survive nuclear winter, so maybe indefinitely. Whether you should eat it after day one is up to you, your digestive system, and the local A&E department.

A Final Moment of Profound Sandwich Contemplation

As I sit here, the lingering aroma of processed fish and artificial "scampi 'n' lemon" clinging to my fingers, I can't help but reflect on the journey this sandwich represents. It is not just a journey of flavours but also a journey into the very soul of British convenience food culture. Some might call it an abomination. I call it Friday night dinner.

 

If you'd like to read more about my culinary adventures, why not check out my recipe for The Deep Fried, Kebab Pizza, Burger. (I must move this post away from Medium and onto this here blog at some point.)

]]> The gift of a drumstick and much more.... theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/the-gift-of-a-drumstick-and-much-more.html 2025-02-16T20:46:51+00:00 Fuzz Townshend gave me a drumstick at Bearded Theory last year. This… ]]> My right hand, wearing too many rings and festival wristbands, holding a drumstick. Behind it is a framed sign on a door. The sign has Bentley Rhythm Ace's logo and the partially obscured words "Dressing Room"

Fuzz Townshend gave me a drumstick at Bearded Theory last year. This is why that small act meant so much to me.

In May of 1996 my first wife died.

I'd been married to Karen (pronounced care-ann) Taylor (née Daniels) for 2 weeks.
The story isn't about that. It's about the period after.

I'd moved to Wolverhampton to live with Karen, about 20 miles from my friendship group in Burntwood. When she died, I was pretty much out there on my own.
Except I wasn't.
There was always something going on that meant I had to drive back to Burntwood or some location partway between Wolverhampton and Burntwood to meet with my friends.
I mean, it's pretty obvious in hindsight, but not so much at the time; my friends were making sure I didn't have too much time on my own to spiral into despair and depression. They contrived to make sure there was always something I had to come out for. And this wasn't just for a few months. They did this for years.
In the August of the following year, some of them dragged me to my first Festival, Reading 1997.

The line-up poster for Reading festival 1997. Acts include Suede, Cast, James, Manic Street Preachers, The Orb, Space, Metallica, Terrorvision, Bush and Bentley Rhythm Ace.

My friendship group had grown out of the Venture Scout troop I was a member of, so camping with them wasn't anything new to me. But a festival was.
The festival was incredible. Suede, Cast, James, The Manics, The Orb. I'd never experienced anything like it. Unfortunately, as with much of my life and, in particular, the years after Karen died, my memories of it are unclear and patchy.
One thing I do remember quite clearly is Bentley Rhythm Ace.
As I recall, they played twice at Reading 1997, on different stages.
(The following is what I remember.... it may not be 100% accurate [I used to think this happened in 1996 until I checked the line ups for Reading], but it is the memory that I cherish.)
On the Saturday night, I'd drifted away from my friends at the main stage because I wasn't overly interested in the act there. It might have been (shock-horror-blasphemy) either The Orb or Manic Street Preachers. I was walking past the Dance Tent, and an act was on that I'd kind-of heard of from The Midlands - Bentley Rhythm Ace. The tent was rammed, people were crowding outside of the doors to see, but I pushed my way in.
On stage was this rag-tagged ensemble of performers who looked like nothing I'd experienced before. Long before I found an affinity for club music or dance clubs, this was what I imagined a dance music recording studio to be, but if it had been magicked onto a stage as a live act.
There were guitarists (I think.. it might just have been Richard March on bass). There was DJ on "the decks". There were stage props and there was much bouncing around.
And there was a drummer... a whirling dervish of a man. In 1997 he kinda looked like Peter Andre, but he drummed like the Muppet's Animal on copious amounts of speed. Mr Fuzz Townshend. I'd never seen drumming like it. In my memory, the set was mixed like a non-stop DJ set straight from one tune to another, with tempo changes and call backs and much chicanery. And it was all at 128bpm+.
I'd had a bit to drink. I was on my own. I was at this weird festival event. And I was in the middle of one of the worst times in my life (and here's hoping nothing to come will be worse.)
And this band.... this performance.. the music was incredible. And driving that whole thing was the drummer... Fuzz Townshend.

I've done my share of performances, as a DJ at weddings, birthdays, club nights and stuff. I've done a few public events, such as the monthly Community Cinema in Burntwood. I know what it's like to do one of those things you just do cos it's what you do. And how different that is from how the people there might experience what you do.
As I say, my memory of my life is poor. But my memory of that moment is clearer to me than most of the things I've done or experienced. That moment, to me, was transformative. That moment led to the day, which led to that weekend being a moment when I picked myself up and started to live the rest of my life. After Karen.

BRA played a second set on the Sunday. The main stage (Metallica, Terrorvision, Bush) wasn't a consideration on that day. It was all about seeing Bentley Rhythm Ace again. And it was incredible.

In May of last year (2024), Sharon (MrsVark - the current Mrs Taylor) and I saw Bentley Rhythm Ace at Bearded Theory. It was probably the 6th or 7th time we've seen them live in the last 3 or 4 years, each time superb - she's as big a fan as I am. (The gig at The Lexington in London on 5th March '22 was a particular stand-out  ).

Video from the March 22 gig showing Fuzz Townshend drumming like a maniac a full 25 years after the 1997 performance......
https://photos.app.goo.gl/RsZ1CBK1hEmfMmA69 

At the end of the gig, I found myself right at the front when Fuzz came out to pack his kit away. On a whim, I gestured to him that I'd quite like a drumstick if he'd be so kind and all that. And, fuck-me, I received a drumstick. WHOLLY FUCKING SHIT! I'VE GOT A FUZZ TOWNSHEND DRUMSTICK!!!

Bentley Rhythm Ace at Bearded Theory 2024
Bentley Rhythm Ace at Bearded Theory 2024

There's a moral of the story here somewhere... I think; a reason why I've been wanting to write this since May 2024. And it might be.. you won't always know how someone receives the work or the things that you do. It might not be great, but that's OK - it's not your fault - things are going on that you can't possibly know. But it could, sometimes, be incredible beyond what you could expect. If that's the case... well done you.. thank you for putting something into the world that has made someone's day/week/year.
If, in some unexpected way, Fuzz Townshend or any of Bentley Rhythm Ace should read this tripe.. I'd want to say "Thank you". Thank you for the music you made in the 90s that touched one particular fan in a way that helped put him on a better emotional path. And thank you, Fuzz, for the gift of a drumstick that reminds him of that formative moment.

3 illuminated letters with visible bulbs inside. They spell out B R A.
The accidental Bentley Rhythm Ace (BRA) sign I saw today that prompted me to write this post.

 

]]> GIF Test - Can Crush theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/gif-test-can-crush.html 2025-01-12T01:22:07+00:00 A gif of a can being crushed in a wall-mounted levered can crusher. ]]> Baker Streets theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/baker-streets.html 2025-01-07T13:21:41+00:00 How about another #OneSongOnePlaylist? What's that... you're not really bothered? Tough. I… ]]> An AI generated image showing stacks of vinyl records with a saxophone lying on top.

How about another #OneSongOnePlaylist? What's that... you're not really bothered? Tough.

I very nearly had to introduce a new "rule" because of this song... I thought I was going to have to limit how many versions I was prepared to include because the search result for this Baker Street appeared never ending.

Anyway, here it is.... 7½ hours, 96 versions of Baker Street, originally by Gerry Rafferty

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6gwqQ8AkpC7MDZ81w7MmsM?si=4434147aa1cf42aa

 

]]> Creating a links page with LinkStack theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/creating-a-links-page-with-linkstack.html 2024-12-28T23:40:04+00:00 I've wanted to create a links page for a while but I've… ]]> A screen grab of the top of my links page.

I've wanted to create a links page for a while but I've never been happy with the commercial options. I'd like to keep control of my data, I'd like to avoid data being harvested from those that visit my links page, and I'm not currently financially secure enough to commit to a/(yet another) subscription cost.

Enter, stage left, LinkStack; an open source, self-hosted optional, links page CMS.

If you don't want the hassle of self-hosting then there are paid, hosted options. There are also a number of "other-hosted" instances, most of which offer free accounts.

But, crucially, there's a self-hosted option and it's piss-easy to install and get running.

I'm quite keen on self-hosting as much of my internet activity as possible. I have my own hosting account with a decent server. I know how to create domains and subdomains, how to FTP shit onto the server and how to set up SQL databases. But beyond that, I'm a total n00b.

As soon as the installation instructions start talking about Docker, or command line "Git" instructions then I'm out.

LinkStack doesn't need that shit. LinkStack just needs you to FTP the files onto you domain root directory and then has a set-up wizard you can run through your web browser.

It took me a maximum of 30 minutes to get it set up. And I was already 4 cans of Magners in to my evening at this point.

From that point... you could even be hosting your own instance and allow others to register and run links pages on your server. Me, I'm just happy running a single user instance over at

https://paultaylor.online/

One of the main reasons I wanted to create a links page is as a business card alternative. I don't have physical business cards for most any of the reasons why people would want to contact me, and not enough requirement to make it worth printing cards. But, most people these days can scan a QR code. So I've made a QR code of the URL and uploaded it to my Fitbit Watch so that people can scan it.

My Fitbit watch on my wrist showing a QR code
]]> Oh Supermen theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/oh-supermen.html 2024-12-28T15:44:21+00:00 The latest #OneSongOnePlaylist is 26 different versions of "Oh Superman", originally by… ]]> An AI generated image showing multiple vinyl repeating into the distance in a colourful retro futuristic city scape

The latest #OneSongOnePlaylist is 26 different versions of "Oh Superman", originally by Laurie Anderson.

3¼ hours of different takes on the experimental electro pop surprise hit from 1981.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7sz2wzotBkmI

The song has become something of an in-joke for Jason Manly and I since the old days of T(X)witter, when he'd tweet me asking/daring me to play it during my discos. I, in return, have done the same to him during his Hospital Radio Glamorgan shows.

This #OneSongOnePlaylist feels like a bit of a cheat because 12 of the 26 tracks come from remixes of 2 versions

  • 6 remixes across 2 releases by M.A.N.D.Y., Booka Shade and Laurie Anderson
  • 6 remixes from a remix pack released by Miguel Verdolva
]]> PIG (2021) - A Shallow AF Review theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/pig-2021-a-shallow-af-review.html 2024-12-27T18:24:10+00:00 Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you… ]]>

Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you not understand a review that criticises the "lack of character development and poor choice of colour palate" for a film you loved cos The Dread Pirate Roberts won his princess? Then you need "The Shallow As Fuck Film Review".

Damn, Pig (2021) fucking rocks! Cage barely says shit the whole time and it's like, holy crap, he's actually killing it? This might be his best shit since... fuck, I can't even remember.

Let's face it, the Ghost Rider movies were just about good enough to occupy a few hours on a dead bank holiday. And "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent" was either just too clever for me to get or hammed-up self-indulgent shite.

Think John Wick, but way slower, and instead of blasting dudes, it's all about this badass chef and his food game. It sounds boring AF, but I swear it keeps you hooked.

A movie still showing Nicholas Cage looking like a wild-man-from-the-woods stitting on the stoop of a shack with his small, truffle-hunting pig.
Nicholas Cage and his pig

You don't gotta be some fancy-pants film critic to dig this one; just grab a beer and enjoy the ride. That said, this shit's got layers if you wanna think about it.

Fucking 6/5, no bullshit.

]]> I've not been OK theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/ive-not-been-ok.html 2024-12-21T00:33:54+00:00 Content Warning - Discussion of suicidal thoughts, depression, suicide methods, general whinging and belly aching.

]]> Content Warning - Discussion of suicidal thoughts, depression, suicide methods, general whinging and belly aching.

*If you're worrying about my current health at any point reading this... read the penultimate paragraph first.

"Do you have a plan?" she asked.
Oh, I have plans. I have a head full of plans and little else, unfortunately. I'm in trouble because my brain won't engage with anything but plans for hours, days at a time.
The plans range from juvenile and ridiculous (stepping in front of a gun in an armed siege/robbery gone wrong and going out as a hero) to horrendously detailed and scarily practical. It was the latter that I described to her.
I was sat talking to a young locum GP at the suggestion of someone at the Samaritans. (Did they suggest it, or did they just let me talk until I convinced myself that was the best next move? I'm not sure I remember.) The expression on her face as I laid out the plan, like she'd asked me to, suggested to me that she'd not had to have this conversation with a patient before.

I've suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. My recollection is that I first noticed it after my first wife died when I was 21, but it's possible I suffered before that, just not as deeply. For most of that time it would come and go, so I didn't take medication for it. I knew I could ride it out. Then, during the second COVID lockdown, it came but it didn't go; it just got steadily worse.
I started to struggle at work; initially, I thought, due to the depression. Anti-depressants would help for a while, but then things would pile up, I'd get more anxious and stressed and, inevitably, more depressed.
It's taken me several years to realise that what was happening was down to Long-COVID and, at that time, undiagnosed ADHD / ASC1[1]. The cognitive impairment and the constant fatigue had destroyed the coping mechanisms that had kept ADHD hidden even from me. Deadlines that used to fire me up to my most effective—that used to drive me to pull all-nighters where my best work would out—were now flying by with tasks uncompleted. Work tasks, domestic tasks, life admin, and even my hobbies and fun stuff were not getting done, and I was in trouble. The combination led me to several crises, and the worst of those brought about something I'd never imagined could happen to me: the tearful phone call to The Samaritans because I was at the end of my tether.

I wouldn't describe myself as "suicidal" as such. I had a growing feeling that I didn't want to live anymore. If there were a "no consequences" off-switch—if I could opt out of life without hurting those around me—then I'd take it. But, in practice, I couldn't take my own life because I couldn't do that to my family. 
So, instead of actually committing suicide, my mind started obsessing over it. Every minute I wasn't focused on something, I'd be making plans, refining plans, or replaying plans. I had plans for every situation for every environment. I had the most ridiculous, stupid plans. I had a number of scarily plausible plans.
I didn't know that this isn't uncommon. There's a name for it—Suicidal Ideation—obsessive, intrusive thoughts about suicide. I guess, in hindsight, this has been a part of my life for as long as depression has. Low level, occasional, just when I'm at my lowest and never too intrusive. But this year it broke me. When I finally caved, I'd been able to think of little else for days on end. I'd done no work, I'd struggled to socialise or interact, I wasn't functioning.
I sat at my desk in floods of tears, not a common occurrence, and rocked backwards and forwards between ringing The Samaritans, and feeling like the biggest idiot for not being able to talk to someone/anyone. I called them, eventually, because I didn't know what else to do. The lady on the phone was the person who introduced me to the concept of Suicidal Ideation. She reassured me that I wasn't unique and then she seemed to simply let me talk myself into making a plan—a sensible plan—to tell MrsVark and to seek help from my GP.

The 6 months since I found myself scaring a new GP have been difficult. The NHS was quick to respond to the crisis. I've had lots of people asking if I'm "a danger to myself" and reminding me of the emergency contact details for The Samaritans and similar. But it's been relatively slow to get to any treatment, despite the hard work and fantastic help of my regular GP. My employer has been incredible and understanding, but I'm still working reduced hours while awaiting more substantive treatment. Sharon has come to understand me a little better, but I've realised I still have to be a touch circumspect when discussing the darker parts of what's in my head. I've been quite open about what's happened with friends and anyone else that has asked. And this has helped a lot. Talking and being unashamed, as I've always been about my mental health, has a way of relieving the pressure a little. Although I've been less forward with this, because of the impact it can have on someone who is not ready to hear it.

As at December '24 - I'm still not OK, but I'm coping. I described myself as "stable" to my GP this week; things have stopped getting worse. When I'm busy, I can almost forget that I'm depressed (a "silver lining" of the lack of object permanence that comes with ADHD—if I'm distracted it almost ceases to exist). The ideation is much less intrusive, but it's still there when I'm alone with my thoughts. I'm finding new coping mechanisms, with the help of other people, to deal with the ADHD, but I'm hoping to get better treatment next year. I've been referred to an NHS psychiatrist, which hopefully bypassed the 3 to 8-year waiting list for ADHD clinics.

If you're going through any of this yourself, I encourage you to talk to someone. In the UK: talk to your GP or The Samaritans if you can't face talking to family or friends. Or the new NHS mental health service via 111. International: check this list of helplines.

And feel free to talk to me.

[1](*Autism Spectrum Condition Level 1, or what used to be known as Asperger's.)

]]> Current Colour Palette theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/current-colour-palette.html 2024-12-20T21:48:13+00:00 The initial inspiration for the colour palette (as of 20th Dec 2024) is from a Mastodon bot account called random color contrasts. (This will likely have died by the time you read this because the botsin.space instance is closing down.)

A mastodon post by "random color contrasts" dated 29 Apr 2024. The text reads "Pacific Blue #3FA8C4 English Walnut #412922 (Contrast ratio: 4.9:1 | AA)". Below the text are 2 blocks of colour; one blue with brown writing on it saying "Pacific Blue #3FA8C4" the other brown with blue writing on it saying "English Walnut #412922".
The Mastodon post

From that, I used the colorkit.co Color Palette Generator to add 3 more colour options.

A block of 5 colours showing blue/taupe, dark brown, violet-ish, "Bohemian Jazz" and "Pine Leaves".

The values for the colours are

/* List */
3fa8c4, 412922, a84696, 99757e, 80995d
#3fa8c4, #412922, #a84696, #99757e, #80995d
0x3fa8c4, 0x412922, 0xa84696, 0x99757e, 0x80995d

/* Comma Separated */
3fa8c4,412922,a84696,99757e,80995d
#3fa8c4,#412922,#a84696,#99757e,#80995d
0x3fa8c4,0x412922,0xa84696,0x99757e,0x80995d

/* Array */
["3fa8c4","412922","a84696","99757e","80995d"]
["#3fa8c4","#412922","#a84696","#99757e","#80995d"]
["0x3fa8c4","0x412922","0xa84696","0x99757e","0x80995d"]
]]> Editing the Theme Template in Publii theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/editing-the-theme-template-in-publii.html 2024-12-20T20:21:00+00:00 I've been tinkering with the template(s) for this website. It's slow work… ]]> A screen grab of this website. The background is a taupe/blue and the text is varying shades of brown. It looks better than that sounds.

I've been tinkering with the template(s) for this website. It's slow work because I'm not a webdev expert and what little knowledge I do/did have hasn't been exercised much in the last decade. So I'm kinda feeling my way in the dark; changing something to see if it works, what it does and what it breaks.

It turns out that things are pretty easy to change in Publii, mostly. For most template changes you can set up "Override Files", take a copy of the original template file, edit it and have Publii use the override. Which means it's harder to permanently break anything. Just delete (or temp rename) the override file and you're back to the template standard.

Comments

So,  that's how I added the comments section to blog posts. I took a copy of the template for blog post pages (post.hbs), dropped it into the theme-override folder and inserted the code snippet from the comments service.

I'm using Remarkbox initially. It's simple, it's open source and doesn't have ads or tracking. Most importantly, its payment plan is "Pay what you can". I don't envision receiving more than a few comments a month, if that. But I don't want to be tied in to a system that would start charging lots if I had a single post that attracted more than that for a short while.

I discovered Remarkbox from Darek Kay's blogpost listing a number of ways to include comments on a static HTML site. The post was written in 2018 but looks to have been regularly update. If Remarkbox doesn't end up being what I need, then this post willb e the first place I look for an alternative.

(Yes, there is an option to add Custom HTML in the "Tools" section of the Publii CMS but I couldn't get it to add in the right place.)

Styling

Editing the theme colours in the CSS is a little more difficult.

The CSS for a Publii site (at least with the Theme I'm using, but based on forum chats I saw I think it's the same for all themes) sits in "style.css". But you can't edit or override style.css because it's generated each time Publii rebuilds your site.

Style.css is an amalgam of 

  • main.css - You can edit/override this if you're changing an element in here. This is mostly the structural css.
  • custom CSS - If you have additional CSS to add, it's best done in a custom CSS file that you can add to the override folder.
  • GDPR popup CSS - mmm dunno.
  • the output from visual-overrides.js  - haven't touched this one yet.
  • the output from theme-variables.js - this is where, for the "Mono" template at least, the majority of the CSS for the colour scheme sits. And this file can be overriden.

In the Mono template part of the visual-overrides.js script sets the colour scheme css based on whether you select Dark Theme or otherwise in the Publii CMS. So, for the dark scheme it looks like (for the Dark Theme)

if (params.colorScheme === 'dark') {
output += `             
--yellow: 40, 100%, 64%;
--blue: 208, 100%, 50%;
  --green: 166, 100%, 34%;
  --red: 334, 100%, 56%;
  --white: #FFFFFF;
  --black: #000000;
  --background: hsla(214, 17%, 8%, 1);
  --background-transparent: hsla(214, 17%, 8%, .85);
  --background-pattern: radial-gradient(rgb(31, 37, 46) 1px, transparent 1px), radial-gradient(rgb(31, 37, 46) 1px, rgba(31, 37, 46, 0) 1px);
  --accent-light: hsla(${accentHSL}, .8);
  --accent-medium: hsla(${accentHSL}, 1);
  --accent-transparent: hsla(${accentHSL}, .5);
  --color-lighter: hsla(220, 11%, 15%, 1);
  --color-light: hsla(220, 11%, 17%, 1);
  --color-medium: hsla(220, 11%, 20%, 1);
  --color-dark: hsla(220, 11%, 60%, 1);
  --color-darker: hsla(220, 11%, 94%, 1);
`;
}

Editing the colour scheme values here lets you set colours for both light and dark themes.

]]> Whamacea theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/whamacea.html 2024-12-08T22:08:55+00:00 This is the biggest #OneSongOnePlaylist so far and the anti-#Whamaggedon. 235 versions… ]]> an AI image representing a playlist of 235 versions of Last Christmas. It features a young woman in winter clothers surrounded by cassettes, vinyl and, I think, an 8-task all with "Last Christmas" written on them.

 

This is the biggest #OneSongOnePlaylist so far and the anti-#Whamaggedon.

235 versions of Last Christmas, not including Wham's original. 13 hours and 39 minutes of the ultimate* Christmas song that you can listen to without risking losing your Whamaggedon streak.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2b60foKhjke3nidqxZD6SQ?si=823c763050d84a1b

*opinions may vary... mine does not align with this tosh, for example.

]]> Ana’s Ng theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/anas-ng.html 2024-12-08T21:57:26+00:00 Here’s another in the sporadic (and only recently named) series #OneSongOnePlaylist.

This song’s a little niche and, therefore, the playlist is quite a bit shorter than other in the series…

Ana’s Ng - 30 minutes of Ana Ng, originally by They Might Be Giants.

Actually, these are all pretty bang-on, even if they are very different. Well, all apart from the guy who pronounces it “Ana Nig”, but I’ll let you find that for yourself.

Spotify: Ana’s Ng Playlist

]]> Road House (2024) - a shallow as fuck film review theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/road-house-2024-review.html 2024-12-07T01:37:12+00:00 Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you… ]]> Jake Gyllenhaal from Road House (2024)

Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you not understand a review that criticises the "lack of character development and poor choice of colour palate" for a film you loved cos The Kurgan got his arse kicked? Then you need "The Shallow As Fuck Film Review".

Straight out of the box... Road House (2024) isn't Road House (1989). If you're watching it hoping to revisit the Patrick Swayze original, you'll be disappointed. It mirrors the plot lines only in the most basic elements; everything from the characters to the background changes. But as a stand-alone 2020's style all-out action movie, it's entertaining enough.

Think Road House (1989) in the style of Jungle Cruise (2021).

Jake Gyllenhaal puts the hours and the effort into the film, as he always does. Just looking at the physique he brings makes me exhausted from the training he must have done; he looks more the part than the former pro fighters.

Even Conor McGregor's inability to be anything but 'Conor McGregor mugging it up for the camera' fails to ruin the moment. Forget the intense action FX; perhaps the most fantastical film magic we see here is how they manage to take his amateur hamming it up and smush it into actual professional production in a way that works. (If you want a more authentic McGregor performance, watch the video where he assaults an old man in the pub he owns.)

In 2020's Hollywood style, the camera/FX work on the action sequences takes you right to the heart of the action. It makes you feel the impacts and confusion of the fight in a way I've not experienced before, but it also takes that one step too far into Bollywood-style excess. It would have been laughable if it hadn't immediately moved on to another intense moment.

Ultimately, though... It had me hooked right up to the end, even if it felt a bit like those Disney movie attempts to recreate their theme park rides.

]]> Using Publii to Blog Pt. 1 theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/using-publii-to-blog-pt-1.html 2024-12-07T00:18:13+00:00 I've been looking for a blogging platform for a loooooonnnngg time. I was looking for something that met a number of requirements.

  1. The end result website would be self-hosted.
  2. Ideally lightweight static HTML pages.
  3. A simple-ish template(s) that I can hack around.
  4. Something simple enough for me to understand but with the option to test out and expand my (lack of) webdev skills.
  5. Not a hosted, server based complex CMS like WordPress, Joomla, etc, etc. Indeed, not necessarily a CMS at all. I'd be quite happy to write directly into markdown files.
  6. Secure (static HTML kinda helps there)
  7. Free or low cost...

To this end I've tried;

  • Hugo - Managed to get it installed on my desktop. Taught me something about command based apps and the like, using Go and Chocolatey, writing posts in Markdown. But after building a site with a whole 3 pages, it stopped building more pages leaving me with the stunted site at arseburgers.co.uk.
  • Hand coded HTML using either complete example sites (see the single HTML page site at https://www.aard.at/) or stealing code snippets from multiple sources. Ultimately, it's just too much work.
  • Lichen - A very simple web-based CMS that I managed to get installed but was too shite at server settings to get working properly.
  • trying to understand any number "simple" server based CMS whose installation instructions start "git install bollocksCMS and stuff /d /arse". I never even got as far as managing to install these.

Today I read about Publii in a blogpost about simple web stuff.

Publii is a PC (Windows / Mac / Linux) based very simple blogging CMS platform that generates a static HTML site. You can then upload it with an FTP client, or Publii will do that for you.

Publii is free to use, although there's a very limited number of free templates. Paid templates and plug-ins are quite expensive ($30+ for templates and $19+ for the pugins I thought would be worth using) but it looks like I can do most of what I want without those.

This is literally my second post, so I'll post more as I use it more.

 

]]> Purple Beard Test theaardvark https://theaardvark.co.uk/purple-beard-test.html 2024-12-06T22:17:33+00:00 Obligatory first post test, etc.  ]]> A close up selfie of my face (50 year old, bald, pale skinned man), passport photo style but when a blue background. My beard is purple. It's pretty hard to convey how purple exactly. The shade is slightly uneven and nearer to pastel then it is to Cadbury's.

Obligatory first post test, etc. 

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