Photo: A large glass jar of pickled onions in malt vinegar sits on a wooden surface. The label reads "The Dogs Bollocks Pickled Onions in Malt Vinegar" from The Funky Food Co., featuring a sketch of a dog's face. Behind the jar is a white plate decorated with red and blue brushstrokes and a yellow flower. The background shows a shimmery magenta and silver sequined fabric.
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The Dogs Bollocks pickled onions from The Funky Food Co
theaardvark

Pickled Onions Review #9: The Dogs Bollocks pickled onions from The Funky Foody Co

The Dogs Bollocks - The Ronseal of Onions

Alright, you magnificent connoisseurs of all things pickled onions; let's talk about a benchmark. A standard-setter. The onion by which all other onions should be judged. We're not mucking about with balsamic glazes or the sad, soft apologies for onions you find in discount supermarkets. No, today we're talking about the absolute gold standard: "The Dogs Bollocks Pickled Onions" from The Funky Food Company.

Now, I have to declare an interest. The Funky Food Co. are local (Staffordshire, UK) heroes. They're a regular trader at my town's monthly market, and they seem like genuinely lovely people. I'd be bigging them up as a business even if I wasn't hopelessly addicted to their products, but let's be clear: this review is as impartial as I can be. The quality speaks for itself. I deliberately waited to review these because I wanted to make sure I knew what other onions were like, so I could be sure of my comparative rating.

Photo: Close-up of an open jar of pickled onions with a single pale onion balanced on a cocktail stick across the rim. Behind the jar sits the same decorative plate with its cheerful red, blue and yellow design, whilst magenta sequins sparkle in the background.

These onions are, in a word, substantial. They're firm, properly crunchy, and pickled in a glorious, no-nonsense malt vinegar. There are no fancy ingredients, no exotic vinegars trying to be clever. This is a Ronseal of a pickled onion – it does what it says on the jar. The moment you bite into one, you get that powerful, mouth-filling tang that tingles your tongue and reminds you what a proper pickled onion is supposed to taste like. It's the perfect partner to chip shop chips, to any strong cheese, and you could slice them up and stick them on a posh burger. But, honestly, I eat them straight from the jar.

Photo: Close-up of the jar label showing ingredients list. The text reads "Onions, malt vinegar BARLEY, sugar, salt Spirit Vinegar, acidity regulator, acetic acid" with allergen advice noting that BARLEY is in bold. Part of The Funky Food Co. logo and the dog illustration are visible at the bottom of the label.

This whole ridiculous journey into reviewing pickled onions online started with these guys. I'd picked up a jar of their "Guinness Pickled Onions" at the market, and after finishing it in a few days, the thought struck me: "The world needs to know about this." It was a moment of pure, vinegary epiphany. And yes, for those wondering, I have another jar of the Guinness ones queued up, waiting for its moment in the spotlight.

So, what's the verdict? These are the default. The baseline. If a new pickled onion can't at least match up to The Dogs Bollocks, it's not worth the glass it's jarred in. They are everything a classic pickled onion should be: unapologetically bold, satisfyingly crunchy, and utterly brilliant.

A rock-solid 4 onions out of 5. The benchmark has been set. Anything scoring higher than this is an onion for a special occasion. This is an onion for every day.

🧅🧅🧅🧅❌

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