Death of a Unicorn: A Shallow AF Review

Do film reviews seem too intellectual and "deep" for you? Do you not understand a review that bangs on about the "lack of character development and poor choice of bloody colour palette" for a film you actually enjoyed? Then you need "The Shallow As Fuck Film Review" - where we don't give a toss about subtext because we're too busy enjoying the actual text.

So... Death of a Unicorn. What a bizarre caper. It's like someone pitched "rich people are twats; also... unicorns!" to a studio exec who'd clearly been snorting crushed avocado toast, and they just greenlit the whole sodding thing. And honestly? Thank shite for that, because for a solid 107 minutes, it's an utterly engaging distraction that stops you from contemplating whether your life has any meaning whatsoever.

Let's be real, the script isn't exactly reinventing the wheel, is it? It's bollocks-out formulaic pish, and you can practically see the plot beats coming from space, like a particularly sparkly, brain-dead unicorn prancing into a motorway pile-up. Father and daughter hit a unicorn, take it to the rich boss's gaff – because where the hell else would you take a mythical beast you've just turned into roadkill? – and then all hell breaks loose with predictable but rather enjoyable carnage. The "rich people are arseholes" message is so hammered home you'd think they were trying to build an IKEA wardrobe with a unicorn horn. It's not a nuanced take on capitalism, is it? More like being repeatedly smacked in the face with a copy of Das Kapital wrapped in glitter.

It feels a bit like a B-movie that accidentally stumbled arse-first into a decent budget and cast. The CGI is just about serviceable, although the creature design is good enough to make you almost believe in the horned bastards. Paul Rudd and Jenna Ortega are great, but they're not pushing the boundaries of their craft here, are they?

Ultimately, though... It had me hooked right up to the bloody end, even if it felt a bit like someone had accidentally given a student film a proper budget. It's an engaging distraction, perfect for when you want to switch your brain off and watch rich people get impaled.

I'd give it 3 horns out of 5. It's a bloody good, blood-soaked distraction for the cerebrally challenged, and sometimes that's exactly what you need.