On AuDHD, Panic Attacks and Paradoxes

A few weeks ago, I stood up at a Lichfield District Council meeting and told everyone I was in the middle of a panic attack.

It wasn't how I'd planned to open my speech. I was about to propose a £210,000 budget amendment. It was a significant proposal, one I cared about deeply, aiming to fund youth services, tenancy support, and community transport. The chamber was full, the debate was important to me, and the stakes felt high.

This was when my body and brain decided this was the perfect moment to go haywire.

It’s usual to feel nervous about such moments. That’s part of what makes my brain fire up and work at its best. But this had spiralled. My heart was hammering, my breathing was shallow, and that cold, sweaty dread was setting in. It was made worse by the fact that I was on an increased dose of my ADHD medication. They're dexamphetamine - basically government-issued speed, and while they help with focus, they also flood my system with nervous energy. On a night like this, that energy had nowhere to go but into fuelling the anxiety.

This is one of the strange paradoxes of being AuDHD (having both Autism and ADHD). The two contradictory conditions can cancel each other out. ADHD can make me more outgoing and less socially rigid than some autistic people might be. But when you treat the ADHD with stimulants, it’s like you're peeling back a layer to the autistic core. The world feels louder, the social rules more confusing, and the internal system gets overloaded more easily. That was me. Sitting, waiting for my turn to speak.

I couldn't back out. I didn't want to back out. The amendment was too important to me.

I've been in a similar situation before, recently, since I started taking ADHD meds, in a work meeting. A panic attack hit out of nowhere. On that occasion, I tried to fight it and to pretend it wasn't happening. It was exhausting, and it only made it worse. Thankfully, I knew I was talking to supportive colleagues, and eventually I just had to admit to them what was going on. The moment I did, the fear let go. They were understanding, the world didn't end, and the simple act of naming the beast seemed to rob it of its power.

So, as I stood to make the amendment proposal, I remembered that lesson. I stood up, took a deep breath, and said something to the effect of, "Sorry. I'm in the middle of a panic attack. So if I struggle at all, I'd appreciate your understanding."

And just like before, the simple admission took away most of its power over me. The panic didn't vanish, but it receded enough to become manageable. I was able to deliver the speech I'd planned, arguing for the investment in our communities. I even managed to throw in a bit of humour.

It's a strange thing to find strength in admitting a vulnerability. But sometimes, the most effective way to deal with a monster in the room is to simply turn on the light and call it by its name. Since then, I’ve watched the recording back. In my head, it felt like an enormous public unravelling; on video, it looks spectacularly anticlimactic. Which is probably reassuring, really. From the outside, it’s just a man taking a breath, explaining himself, and then getting on with the job. If you're curious, the council meeting recording is here:

 https://www.youtube.com/live/G__kzqlg_D0?si=YrKahI1gxIPJ5067&t=7169

I note the the transcript of my opening remarks is actually fairly close to “Okay. Sorry. Thank you, Chair. Sorry if I can give an explanation. I’ve recently increased my ADHD medication and it has, like, triggered a bit of a panic attack that I’ve been fighting off all evening. So please, if I’m not my usual self, please forgive me.”

And, while this post is about one very public moment, I’ve also found that one of the more useful ways to steady myself during stressful periods — when I’m not in meetings and just need my brain to stop charging about like a startled ferret — is with my AarDHD music. If that sounds useful to you too, there’s more about it here: AarDHD on my website, and the music itself is on YouTube here: AarDHD YouTube channel.